Top Five Realizations I Needed to Have to Improve My Life and Relationships
The way I made decisions needed to change.
When I learned how to make decisions that are actually in alignment with my authentic self, life began to feel much better. In order to get here, I had to first learn that I was often making decisions out of fear, or making decisions to avoid something rather than pursue something. For example, letting my anxiety stop me from attending an event I wanted to attend, or pursuing a relationship with someone because I wanted to avoid being alone, not because I necessarily wanted to be with them. Many of us get trapped in cycles of running from what we don’t want instead of running toward what we actually do want. And often, these decisions feel safe, but eventually, we start wondering what's missing? Life can begin to feel empty if we are always playing it safe, making decisions from a place of fear or avoidance. Making this shift mentally helped me shift to making decisions that are actually in alignment with my authentic self.
I dug the hole I ended up in, no one else, and I had to be the one to get myself out.
Imagine waking up one day, finding yourself at the bottom of a deep hole in the ground, and not knowing how you got there. Surely, you would assume someone put you there. Surely, you didn’t put yourself there, and if you did, you would remember. This is how I felt in my early 20s. It was only upon realizing that I had been the one to dig that hole and place myself there did I learn how to pull myself out. For many years, I was fixated on figuring out who was to blame for putting me in that hole. But nobody was to blame and nobody was going to be able to pull me out. Sure, they could support me and cheer me on, but I had to find a way to pull myself out of that hole. And trust me, all I wanted was for someone else to do it for me.
My resistance was causing my mental suffering.
Resistance is a word I use and think of often. I was someone who had a lot of it. I didn’t like the rain, I didn’t like the cold, I didn’t like being too hot, I didn’t like feeling sick, I didn’t like when things didn’t go my way, etc. We all have natural resistance to things we don’t like in life. But when I learned that I could shift my resistance into acceptance, everything changed. The mantra I use now is, “I may not like it, but I accept it.” It has helped life feel significantly more tolerable.
My shame was just internalized anger.
I had so much shame throughout my life, I am sometimes surprised at what I was able to accomplish with all of it because looking back, it felt all-consuming. When I learned that much of my shame was internalized anger I had toward other people and situations, only then, was I able to release it. For example, let's say I share feelings with someone I care about and their response is to dismiss and attack my feelings, "oh please, you're so dramatic and annoying, and you ruin my day when you bring these things up." In the past, my response would have been to say something shame-based to myself like, “You’re so stupid. You should have known better than to be honest with them. What’s wrong with you? You can never do anything right.” Instead of feeling my anger about being attacked for sharing a feeling (a completely valid emotional response), I turned the anger onto myself instead. When really, who was it that I was angry at? Does it make sense to be angry at myself for being vulnerable? Or would it be appropriate to feel anger toward the person who belittled me? This way of thinking developed in my childhood to help protect others from my emotions/anger and nearly ruined my life. I had to learn how to undo and release these patterns in order to experience healthy, authentic relationships with others.
The things I want in life matter just as much as the things I need and I won’t be happy without them.
Lately, there is a word going around that seems to be gaining popularity: needs. Are your needs being met in relationships? At work? In friendships? Yes, needs are important, but what about the things I don’t absolutely need, but still want? Like my home decorated a certain way, or the ability to travel, or own a pet. I learned that giving up things we want in service of our needs only ends in resentment. For example, if I am in a relationship with someone who does not want a pet but I have always wanted a pet, and I decide to give up that desire in favor of my need for connection, sure, I may be getting that need met, but deep down, how will I feel about never getting something I really wanted? Most likely, resentful. I’ve learned that the best recipe includes ways to get the things we both want and need in life and that compromise, while it sounds nice, often ends in disaster and at the very least, resentment.
Lauren Maxwell, LPC, NCC is a psychodynamic therapist offering warm, relational care to adolescents, young adults, adults, and couples. She specializes in anxiety, depression, identity exploration, inner child work, and relationship concerns. With a deep belief in the healing power of connection, Lauren is committed to creating a safe, supportive space where clients feel seen, understood, and empowered to live more authentic and fulfilling lives.
Lauren’s approach is integrative and insight-oriented, drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), ISTDP, and Gestalt techniques to help clients explore the root causes of distress and reconnect with their inner strength. She is especially passionate about helping clients who feel stuck, lost, or disconnected from themselves find clarity, healing, and meaningful direction.
