4 Tips to Become a Better Listener

Everyone wants to feel listened to and understood by the people around them, but listening well can be easier said than done. Becoming a better listener is a powerful way to improve your relationships with others, whether it’s close friends and partners or even just people you know casually. 

Think about the last time you were talking to someone and you could tell they weren’t listening. Or back to a time when you were trying to communicate something but the other person wasn’t hearing you. You probably felt annoyed or upset, right? It can be hurtful to feel like you’re not being listened to. And on the other hand, you’ve probably had moments where you were only half listening to someone. 

No one is perfect all of the time! We all have moments where we’re distracted or we’re too emotional to think clearly, and those moments can get in the way of listening well. Learning how to become a better listener can improve your relationships by helping you feel more connected to others and communicate more effectively. 

Active listening is a strategy to improve your listening skills by making listening an engaged practice. Sometimes, even when we’re trying to listen, something will go in one ear and out the other, which can leave everyone in the conversation feeling frustrated. 

Listening can sometimes be seen as something passive, but that can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and poor communication. This is especially true in distracting settings or in heated conversations. When you listen actively, hearing what is said is the primary goal instead of just getting to the end of the conversation. 

If you’re looking to become a better listener, here are 4 tips to keep in mind: 

Listen to understand, not to respond

Sometimes in conversations it is tempting to think about what you’re going to say next. No one likes to feel judged or blamed, but difficult conversations can leave you feeling that way. Remember that everyone has their own perspective and feelings, even when things are hard to hear. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, just listen to what the other person is saying without judging. 

Make sure you do your best to not interrupt the other person. It can be hard to listen without jumping in to defend yourself or share your point of view. It’s pretty natural to want to defend yourself, but it’s not helpful to interrupt someone when you’re trying to hear and understand what they’re saying. When you’re rushing to interrupt, you’re also tuning out what they’re saying to a degree as you formulate your response. Remember that you’re listening to understand, not to respond right now. 

Jumping in before the other person has finished speaking can make it harder for you to hear each other, which can sometimes lead to talking louder or raised voices. Remember that you will have your turn to speak and you can share your side when that comes. 

Validate the other person

Communicating is hard. Validation goes a long way when it comes to listening, because it shows the other person that you appreciate the effort they’re making to communicate with you. Telling them “I’m so glad that you shared that with me,” or “I really appreciate you being vulnerable right now,” helps to build trust. Even when a conversation is difficult, finding ways to validate each other can make it more likely that you’ll have more opportunities to keep communicating.

Stay engaged

It’s important to stay engaged in the conversation for the whole time. It can be helpful to make sure you’re understanding the other person correctly by summarizing what they have said. Some people find they can understand things best by relating it back to themselves or something that they’ve experienced, but sometimes that can come across as invalidating or insincere, even if that’s not how you mean it.

Another way to show that you’re engaged in the conversation is to have open body language. Nodding your head with what they’re saying or saying things like “That makes sense,” or “Mhmm” can also keep you focused on the conversation. 

Minimize distractions

When you’re listening to someone, do what you can to get rid of distractions that could draw your attention away from the conversation. It’s important to give the other person your full attention, so make sure to put your phone away, turn down the music, turn off the tv, or close your computer. 

Multitasking while talking to someone isn’t the best way to really hear and understand what they’re saying. Sometimes making eye contact can help you focus your attention and show the other person that you’re engaged and listening, but some people find eye contact uncomfortable, distracting, or distressing. Some folks find that stimming helps them focus more effectively, so if that works for you, go for it. 

Listening effectively is a skill, and it takes practice. Do you want to become a better listener and improve your communication skills? Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice new skills to help improve your relationships. Get in touch today to get started!