Q&A on Attachment Styles and Trauma with Lauren Maxwell, LPC, NCC
What is attachment trauma, and how does it often show up in adult relationships?
“Attachment trauma occurs in early childhood when our fundamental needs are unmet or inconsistently met. It manifests in adult relationships as a fear of abandonment, rejection, or being alone, feeling overwhelmed by our partner's emotional needs, or distrusting healthy love when it is presented.”
Many people hear terms like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment. What do those attachment styles actually mean?
"These terms all describe different attachment styles. Generally, anxious attachment manifests as a fear of rejection, abandonment, and being alone. Avoidant attachment manifests as someone who experiences anxiety or overwhelm when confronted with emotional intimacy. Someone with an avoidant attachment may shut down or become distant or silent when a relationship gets more serious, during conflict, or when faced with their partner's emotions. A disorganized attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant. Having a disorganized attachment typically manifests as a feeling like, "I want love and intimacy, but I'm also afraid of them, and don't know if I can trust that it's safe to accept them when they are presented to me." There is often a push-pull of growing closer toward someone and wanting their love and affection and then suddenly pulling back out of fear. Disorganized attachment occurs when our parents were simultaneously a source of love and comfort and a source of fear and uncertainty."
For people who fear abandonment or rejection, what does healing begin to look like?
“Healing occurs in two parts. First, by developing an awareness of how these fears developed, and then by experiencing a new or opposite experience. This can occur in a healthy relationship or even with a therapist. For example, being in a relationship with someone who does not abandon you by walking out of the room during conflict, or having a therapist nurture you during those moments instead of berating or rejecting you. For this reason, healing cannot occur alone, as the original wound did not occur in a room alone. A common misconception I run into with clients is that they think they can heal these wounds on their own. But it takes having a new/corrective experience with another human being to really heal this wound.”
Can attachment patterns change over time, even if they’ve been present for years?
“Absolutely! Changes are possible if you consistently experience healing moments. I often tell my clients that eventually, you won't need so much or any reassurance from a partner because you'll notice how much more secure you feel after months or years of having your needs met and cared about. Over time, you will feel safe because, for example, you know your partner does not and will not abandon you because they have proven it to you many times.”
What does it mean to “reparent” yourself or heal younger parts of yourself?
“Reparenting oneself involves becoming the parent for yourself that you needed or wanted growing up but did not have. For example, if you had parents who struggled to validate your feelings as a child and instead taught you indirect ways to suppress your emotions, reparenting will involve learning to validate and honor your feelings rather than suppress them. Another example is if your parents were dismissive or failed to help you create structure/routine for yourself, reparenting will involve teaching yourself those skills for the first time. Basically, if you had a child now, what would you do differently? And what do you need now that you never got as a child? Over time, reparenting helps heal these old wounds.”
How can therapy help someone feel safer and more secure in relationships?
“Therapy helps people feel safer and more secure in relationships because therapy itself is a relationship. For many people, a therapeutic relationship is the first healthy relationship they have ever experienced. A therapist can model what a healthy relationship looks like and give you new, corrective experiences. For example, if anger was not tolerated in your childhood home, entering a therapeutic relationship, expressing anger, and having that anger cared for, validated, and nurtured can provide the healthy/corrective experience you may never have received. Over time, being responded to in healthy ways teaches clients to honor their feelings and needs, assuring them that it is not only okay, but healthy to do so, and that the right people will also honor and care about those feelings and needs.”
What makes you passionate about working with your clients?
“I have practiced as a therapist for 10 years and my favorite part of working with my clients is witnessing their healing. It never gets old. I find it so special to bear witness to someone releasing old pain and wounds, committing to recognizing unhelpful behavior patterns, and recognizing in real-time the internal changes that occur during healing. This never gets old for me and I find being part of that process incredibly meaningful.”
Lauren Maxwell, LPC, NCC works with adolescents, adults, and couples navigating relationship challenges, attachment wounds, trauma, low self-worth, and life transitions. Lauren brings a warm, compassionate, and relational approach to therapy, creating a safe space where clients feel seen, heard, and supported.
She integrates evidence-based and insight-oriented approaches, including psychodynamic therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), ISTDP, and Gestalt techniques, helping clients better understand themselves, heal past wounds, and build more meaningful connections with themselves and others. For more information about scheduling an appointment with Lauren, please reach out to us at info@hope-wellness.com.
