3 Simple, Life Changing Ways You Can Practice Deep Listening

 Hi there, 

I hope you are having a nice month. I'm writing to thank you for being a part of our H+W community as well as for your support over the years. Although you are coming to H+W to receive support, one of the beautiful things about life are the natural interconnections that exist between us. For by investing in your own healing or that of your child or family member, it turns out that you are also helping to keep H+W alive as a place for others in the community who are looking for high quality evidence-based mental health care too. So thank you for supporting this place of hope in the community. I hope it has been a place of comfort and solace for you. Thank you for the opportunity to be a part of your journey. Please know it is a great privilege.

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Lately I've been reflecting on the power of listening — either to oneself and the truths you have inside you, or to others in our lives who are speaking to us. In our modern society, listening is often underrated and overlooked in favor of highly logical, linear thinking. However, listening is an extremely powerful practice, and one that is deeply therapeutic.

For example, many of the teens I see in my practice who are struggling with depression and anxiety often feel unseen and unheard, and benefit immensely from being listened to. Their complaints about high school, all the difficult things they want to do but can't do, all their free time being taken up by extracurriculars, and their well-meaning parents offering solutions — it all contributes to feelings of overwhelming loneliness and depression.

But what good is listening, you may wonder. What is listening really doing? Listening is not the only intervention one would use for depression — I'm just targeting it as a specific skill here — but listening is powerful because to be listened to deeply is also to be seen. When teens feel deeply listened to, they are often more open to advice and wisdom. But it is not until one feels truly listened to and understood that wisdom is able to be received.

From the parent's perspective, it is actually quite difficult to listen. Because it is enormously distressing to truly hear what your child is thinking through. You'd have to sit with it and continue being open with nonjudgment and curiosity as they continue to share. Simply asking questions and listening. You begin to wonder what the heck you are Doing. There is an emphasis on Doing. But what is really needed from children is not doing — it is Being fully present with whatever arises. Because it is through Being present that Doing naturally can occur.

For example, as you listen, you begin to understand your child's perspective. You then have a greater connection to your child and know what is going on, so you can better advise (eventually). As your child in turn feels listened to, though it may be a while, there is many times naturally a point in the conversation where they are seeking answers. That is when you can slip in your wisdom. This approach of listening and then advising also helps your child begin to formulate their own values and understanding of the world. If you jump in and always form connections for them before they are able to listen to themselves and create them, you are undermining their own personal growth. I know it can be distressing! But it truly is critical.

And I also want to clarify, I'm not just talking about any kind of listening, but a practice I refer to as Deep Listening. Deep Listening is a practice of listening beyond words, of listening with your whole presence. Deep Listening is one of the most therapeutic things we can offer to each other.

Has there been a time in your own life when you felt deeply listened to? What was that like for you and what happened as a result of it? Or, was there a time in your life when you listened very deeply to the person you were with? What came of it? 

Below, I share a story of Deep Listening from my own practice and discuss where it led, along with three simple ways you can begin to incorporate the practice of Deep Listening into your life and that of your loved ones. So here’s the story..

How Deep Listening Led Me to the Magic of Africa Even Though It Was the Last Place I Ever Wanted to Visit

About two years ago, I got into a taxi after a long flight back to Baltimore. Bleary-eyed and exhausted, I stepped out through the exit doors at 2 am when a man walked quickly toward me, took my luggage, and said, come with me, I'm giving you a ride.

I paused. I had planned to take an Uber. I didn't know this man. By every reasonable measure, getting into a car with a demanding stranger at 2 am was not a good idea at all.

And yet, as I listened to my body, I observed that it was deeply calm. There was also something about this man that was determined and businesslike — a hustler, yes, but not anything that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up or feel heavy inside my stomach. (The power of listening to your body, specifically, is a story for another Mac + Cheese post.) In that moment, I listened to someplace deep inside myself. It's one that I trust beyond logic, the same one that led me to found Hope+Wellness.

So as he walked forward with my luggage, I followed him to the most luxurious SUV I'd ever sat in. The outside was black and sleek and the inside was plush. It was an SUV reserved for business VIPs and dignitaries, because as he introduced himself, it turned out he was a driver for dignitaries, filling a few spare hours before his next pickup.

His name is Albert. In the car, he began to speak with a melodious foreign accent. His voice was loud and filled the entire car but was at the same time comforting. I asked him where he was from.

"AFRICA!" he proclaimed — and then asked me my name.

"Victoria," I told him.

He lit up. "WELL. YOU HAVE TO GO TO VICTORIA FALLS."

"Where's that?" I asked.

"ZIMBABWE."

I smiled politely. At that point in my life, traveling to Africa had never been on my radar. It wasn't a place I had ever seriously considered visiting. I simply had no frame of reference for it, no connection to it that I could see. It was one of the last places I ever wanted to visit. It seemed far away and way too wild — nature and animals that could be a real hazard. "Cool," I said.

He looked at me through the rearview mirror. "You have to go to the falls," he said, quietly. "You are named Victoria after all!"

I laughed. "Well — tell me about Africa."

That's when he proceeded to describe the land, the animals, and nature of Africa in its fullest and richest expression. There was something in the sound of his voice, in the tone of it, that I really heard as I was listening to him. Looking back, I think the emotion infused with his description of Africa in the car may have been a mix of wonder, nostalgia, and love. I had never heard Africa described this way. I told him my family was from Taiwan, so that was more where I had imagined going to connect with my roots.

He scoffed. "No it's not," he said. "Your homeland isn't Taiwan. It's AFRICA."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "My family is from Taiwan."

"OBVIOUSLY WE ARE ALL FROM AFRICA!" he proclaimed again, his voice a loud boom in the SUV.

In that moment, I heard him. It was an aha moment. We are all from Africa. I am from Africa. You are from Africa. It is the birthplace of the human species. Given that it is the origin of our ancestry, it is important to go and see this homeland for oneself. This is what he was saying to me, this stranger, and that is what I fully heard. To understand where you come from, what your roots are, the greater context of your existence within the bigger picture of life, is a gift — because it is to more deeply understand and know yourself.

So here I am, writing this to you from Africa. This trip has opened up my life and appreciation for nature in ways I never would have imagined. It has been a life-changing trip, and it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't in the practice of deep listening and openness. I've seen so many beautiful things here being immersed in nature and in the national parks, which I'd love to share with you in a future post on the relationship between nature and its immense benefits for our mental health.

But for now, here are three simple ways you too can begin the practice of deep listening to invite more connection, presence, and adventure into your life.

Lesson one: listen to your body — it is an instrument of information.

Your body is constantly giving you information. Are the hairs on the back of your neck standing up? Is your chest tight? Is your heart racing, or do you feel peaceful and calm? These are somatic signals — messages from the body — and they are worth paying attention to. I want to be thoughtful here, because this is nuanced. For some of us, particularly those who have experienced trauma, somatic signals can feel confusing or overwhelming — and learning to work with them is exactly the kind of thing therapy can support. But in general, learning to tune in to what your body is telling you, and distinguishing that from fear, conditioning, or anxiety, is one of the most powerful things you can do for your safety, your relationships, and your well-being.

People refer to this skill as intuition. It is a real skill — not a mystical one — and it can be developed. Although Western society often dismisses it, Eastern traditions have honored intuitive, somatic wisdom for thousands of years. There's a good reason for that. Listening to your intuition creates alignment, because you are listening to the truth inside you. And by knowing what your truth is, you can begin to build a life that is aligned with it.

Lesson two: be open, curious, and nonjudgmental.

Be aware of the projections you carry inside yourself — the stories, the conditioning, the assumptions. Mine were loud that night. I had been raised by my parents, who are highly anxious, to fear Africa and its wild nature, and that fear was present in the car with me. Deep listening doesn't ask you to pretend those projections aren't there. It asks you to know they are there, become aware of them within yourself, sit with the discomfort of that awareness at times, and choose openness and curiosity anyway.

But the deeper point is this: openness and curiosity and nonjudgment are not something you think your way into. They are something you must actually become in your presence. You must actually be this openness and curiosity — embody it, inhabit it — rather than simply intending it. That is the difference between listening that transforms and listening that merely appears polite at the surface. If you were seeing a therapist who was quietly judging you, you would be able to sense it even though they may not have said the words. Why is that? Because judgment can be sensed even without words. That is why nonjudgment is a foundational practice that underlies deep listening.

Lesson three: listen beyond words, into the heart.

Albert wasn't just telling me about Africa. He was sharing something he loved. There was a frequency in his voice that I would have missed entirely if I had only been listening to the words he was saying. Deep listening means tuning in to the emotion beneath what is being said — the energy of the exchange itself, and what is unspoken.

We live in divisive times. But when we slow down and really listen, something surprising happens. Underneath all the noise, we find shared ground — similar worries, love for the people in our lives, a desire for things to be better. You don't have to agree with someone to listen to them with an open heart. This kind of openness is its own form of action in the world, and it is also what leads us to adventures in our lives — the ones meant just for you.

This month, I invite you to begin a deep listening practice of your own. Who are the people around you that you'd like to feel closer to? What have they been saying — and how might you listen more deeply, beyond the words, into the heart? Pay attention to how this practice begins to open up your life.

Thank you again for being a valued client. Please know I am wishing you a wonderful month!

Best,

Dr. Victoria Ranade, PhD, MBA, ABPP

Head Creative, Hope+Wellness