9 Ways to Connect Back to Yourself After Divorce

If you’re going through a divorce, how can you connect back to yourself and figure out who you are in this new phase of your life?

Divorce is one of the most stressful and grief-ridden experiences a person can go through, and it can lead to a serious shift in how you view yourself and what you want out of life. 

If you’re going through a divorce, you’re experiencing a major identity shift, and that can be incredibly confusing (not to mention painful). Being married was a part of your identity while you were together. Your sense of self may be shaken, in addition to the change to your everyday life that comes with divorce. Your daily routine will be different, the people you call family will be different, your friends may be different, your home may be different, your finances may be different - all of this adds up. It can be a huge adjustment to get used to this new phase of life without your spouse, and that can wreak havoc on how you feel about yourself.

In addition to the change to your identity, divorce also changes your goals. You had a plan for the future together, and goals that you were working toward together. Now that you’re not married, it can feel almost impossible to figure out who you are, what is important to you, and what you’re working toward. 

Figuring who you are post-divorce takes time, and can be a complicated, painful journey. However, it can also open you up to a new side of yourself that you didn’t even know existed. It may not seem like it now, but on the other side of your pain and grief, there is joy and possibility. You now have a chance to build a life that is meaningful and satisfying to you, in whatever way you choose. That prospect may seem overwhelming. Just take it one day at a time. 

Once you’ve gotten to the point of divorce, you might feel like you have nothing left and you don’t know which way is up. How are you supposed to move forward and figure out who you are after such a major life transition? Here are 9 suggestions to get you started on the journey to connecting back to yourself after divorce: 

Let yourself grieve 

It’s important to let yourself feel your feelings during this period, especially grief. It’s tempting to try to rush past this stage, because grieving is painful. However, trying to bury your feelings and avoid them won’t make them go away or let you skip the grieving stage. The grief will probably last for a long time, maybe even years, but it won’t always be this intense. Eventually, it won’t feel this raw and all-consuming, and you will be able to grow around your grief. 

Remember that all of your feelings are valid. Let yourself feel them. Whatever comes up, let it. Keep in mind that emotions are like waves, and that they will grow in intensity, peak, and then recede. Ride the wave of the emotion and know that it won’t last forever. 

Give yourself time 

The process of connecting back to yourself and finding your identity after divorce won’t happen overnight. It’s important not to rush yourself, or judge yourself for the time it’s taking for you to work through your feelings and connect back to yourself. 

When you make peace with the time it takes to rebuild your identity and connect back to yourself, you give yourself space to transform and let new things take root. Remember, take things one day at a time. 

Be kind to yourself

No matter the reason for your divorce, you deserve kindness and compassion, especially from yourself. It’s going to be tempting to beat yourself up, to focus on hypotheticals and things you could have done differently, but those thoughts don’t do anything but cause you more pain. Unless you have a time machine, there’s nothing you can do differently now. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to offer yourself grace and remember that even when you aren’t perfect, you still deserve kindness. Imagine your best friend in this situation. What would you tell them? Treat yourself like you would treat them. 

Lean on your support system

Your social circle may have shifted after your divorce. It’s common for friends to take sides, and that can leave you feeling really lonely, and like you don’t have anyone on your side. That’s why it’s more important than ever to lean on the people who are a part of your support system. Who can you call or text that’s always there for you? Is there a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a coworker, or a therapist that you can reach out to when things are dark? 

It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, and this is definitely a situation where you’ll want to call in support. You’re going through a really difficult experience, and you deserve to have people in your corner, helping you figure out your new life. Your support system is also a great way to help you explore new things when you’re ready. Ask your people to invite you to social events, to try new restaurants, to visit new businesses in your neighborhood, and to tag along when you want to try something new. Things are always easier with a buddy!

Focus on the self-care basics 

When you’re going through something tough, it’s important to make sure you’re meeting your needs. It’s a cliche, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re not taking care of yourself, it’s going to be that much harder to explore your new identity and find out what matters to you. 

Do what you can to eat well, stick to a sleep schedule, move your body, drink enough water, and not isolate yourself. Try journaling or meditating to clear your mind. Listen to podcasts and read or listen to books on topics that interest you to expand your mind and explore things you may be interested in. 

Make time for hobbies and experiences that help you feel joy or feel grounded

What did you like to do before your marriage? What were you passionate about? What hobbies or experiences make you feel joy, feel grounded, feel confident, or feel safe? Make a list of things that check those boxes, and then try to make time for those in your new life. What feels good to add in? What leaves you feeling good afterward? What are you excited to try? 

When you’re ready to try new things, bring a friend along! This is a great way to expand your social circle and support system, and to find new things to do in your area that have nothing to do with your marriage. 

Consider your values

Another important aspect of connecting with yourself after divorce is considering your values. What do you want to prioritize or bring with you in this new phase of your life? What is important to you? What matters the most to you? How has that changed since your marriage? What are the things that you want to focus on, and what are the things that you’re okay leaving behind? 

Take some time to write down what comes up for you when you think about your values in this new phase of your life. Being able to name what’s important to you helps you make choices that are aligned with your values.

Set goals for your new life

After a divorce, it feels like your plans for life are shattered, and you have to fully start over. The life you were building together is not happening anymore, and you’re actively grieving that life, often as intensely as a death. This means that you now have to figure out new goals for your life. 

While this can feel overwhelming from a big picture perspective, it’s also an opportunity to reconsider what you actually want to work toward. It can feel like the sky is the limit when it comes to setting goals for the rest of your life, so scale down a bit until you feel like you have a handle on things. Think in 6 month chunks of time. What are some small goals for the next 6 months that would feel really powerful to accomplish? Is there anything new you want to explore that you didn’t have a chance to until now? What would make you proud? You can build from there.

Get help from a professional

Finally, you don’t have to figure this all out on your own. Getting help from a professional can help you navigate this raw time. 

Exploring this shift in your identity with a therapist can help you make peace with the end of your marriage, work through your grief, and connect back to yourself so you feel confident moving forward in this new stage of your life. A therapist can also help assess you for depression and other disorders if needed. 

At Hope + Wellness, we are here to help guide you through the pain and uncertainty that divorce brings so you move through it in a positive and healthy way. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.