Navigating Friendship Changes When Your Friend Has a Baby

Long term friendships are hard work.

There is no relationship that comes without change and friendships are no exception, but navigating the changes that come when a friend has a baby can be one of the biggest challenges to a long standing friendship that the relationship has to learn to manage. Where there once was security in spontaneous plans, last minute drinks or late night phone calls, now there is split focus, heavy scheduling and a lot less in the way of shared experiences. 

None of this means your friendship is over. It simply means you’ve entered a new season of your relationship, and with some adjusting you can find a new normal. 

But it can be hard to adjust–for both people. It’s important to remember that this is a time of rapid change for everyone, and neither of you are going through this alone, even if your experiences are very different. Your friendship (or, the way your friendship has taken shape so far in your lives) may not take center stage in this season of both of your lives, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a key player. 

Changes that come up within your friendship when your friend has a baby: 

Differences in experiences

It may feel like it’s harder for you both to relate to each other at first. While it can feel like your life has continued on as usual, your friend’s life has entered an entirely new era that is nothing but change. It can feel like your two paths have nothing in common anymore, but the love you both have for each other is still there, and you are still the same people you were before–you just have to find new ways to fit into each other’s lives. 

Logistical difficulties 

When a baby is around, spontaneous plans aren’t as possible as they once maybe were. When before you may have been able to call your friend up after a bad day of work and go out for dinner or drinks to talk it out, now they may have a strict schedule for feeding the baby or getting the baby to sleep that doesn’t allow for that sort of flexibility in their schedule at this season in their life. This can require more flexibility from non-parent friend, which can leave you feeling like things are more one sided in your relationship. It’s important to remember that your new parent friend is doing their best to figure out how to find a rhythm and how to include you in it. Some seasons of friendship require more from one side than the other, and this is a very demanding time in their life! It’s still okay to ask them to make time for you–that time just may look different than it has in the past. 

Feeling judged for life choices

Believe it or not, both of you may be feeling like this. You may be feeling judged over not making the big change of having a baby, and your friend who has may be feeling judged for deciding to take the leap and change everything. What both people really want is to be seen & accepted & loved for who they are. 

Feeling left behind

Again–this is one that both people might actually be feeling! While you may be feeling left behind in the sense that your friends like may be “moving forward” in the traditionally accepted sense of having kids, your friend who has had a baby may be feeling left behind in your life because of all the ways they are no longer able to show up as they once were able to pre-baby. 

What you can do to navigate these changes when they come up: 

Acknowledge your grief, give it space–but don’t let it turn into resentment in your relationship:

It’s okay to grieve over a loss. Your relationship is changing and change is hard for all of us, but that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. And repressing this grief will only lead to resentment and make it harder to navigate this change. Figure out healthy ways to acknowledge your grief without assigning blame–because no matter if it was this change or something else, change will always come in a relationship. 

Take time to journal about it, or talk about it with your therapist. You can even talk about it with the friend you’re experiencing this change with, as long as both of you get a chance to express what you’re feeling, what you’re afraid of, and how you want help navigating the changes that are coming. Remember to not assign blame, but to just acknowledge the change and like any other big change in any other relationship, acknowledge that it can bring sadness that the simplicity of how you used to come together won’t be so simple for a little while as you learn what this new phase of your friendship looks like. 

When you give it space in the appropriate ways, it won’t bubble under the surface and fester into a wound, and can allow you to actually figure out how to change with your changing relationship instead of clinging to a version of the relationship that no longer exists 

Show up and hold the baby: 

Show that you want to be part of this new part of your friend’s life. This is a huge thing they are embarking on, and they love you and probably want you to be part of it! But it is hard to ask for help. If you can show you’re ready to offer it and be part of their support network, it will be easier for them to weave you into the new normal of their life and reduce the feeling of being left behind that both of you are struggling with. Open your calendar and see when you can show up at their house with some food and sit on the couch while you take turns holding the baby. 

Remember you play a key role for your friend: 

Identity can get lost a bit in parenthood. It is so much about putting someone else first that it’s easy for parents to lose themselves in the process. As a close friend, you can be a presence that helps keep them grounded in who they are. You can help remind them that–while being a parent is an amazing incredible role and responsibility–it is not the only identity they have. 

Remember you’re going through changes too:

Even if you’re not having a baby, your life isn’t stagnant. You will face obstacles and need support. You will need reminders of who you are outside of the responsibilities you have. And you will need your friends' guidance, and love, and laughter. No one is on the same path, and honoring all the different ones we take actually helps us to honor our own. 

Are you struggling with a big life change? Hope+Wellness provides therapy for stress and adjustment concerns, depression, anxiety, and other related concerns. We serve Falls Church, McLean, and Arlington, as well as Tysons Corner, Vienna, Reston, Great Falls, Fairfax, Merrifield, and Alexandria, as well as Washington DC and Maryland. In person and telehealth services are available.