5 Ways to Rediscover Your Identity After Having Kids

Becoming a parent is a major life transition.

Sometimes, it can leave you feeling like you don’t know who you are anymore. If you’ve experienced a loss of identity after having kids, you’re not alone, and there are things you can do to help. 

Why identity loss is common after parenthood

Parenthood, especially the early days, is often an all-consuming task. No matter how much you prepare yourself, how many classes you take, how many books you read, there’s no way to prepare entirely for what becoming a parent entails. The lack of sleep, learning how to understand a tiny creature who only communicates in cries, and figuring out a new routine leaves precious little time left for yourself. If you’re the parent who gave birth, there’s also the physical recovery from pregnancy and childbirth to consider.

Even after your children are older, things stay busy. Many families have to make difficult decisions about childcare that may mean one parent has to shift career plans, or even give up their career. There’s school dropoff and pickup, extracurricular activities and sports, playdates, birthday parties, summer camps, endless appointments, the housework to keep up with a busy family, the list goes on and on. If you’re finding it hard to manage all of this, let alone finding time to care for yourself, you’re not alone. This is a common problem that many parents face.

Things that may shift after having children that impact your sense of self:

• Your availability and capacity

• Friendships

• Your sleep schedule

• Your interests

• Your goals

• Your career

Why it’s important to rediscover your identity after having kids

It’s hard to feel like you’re lost and you don’t know who you are anymore, even when you love your children and love being a parent. We contain multitudes, and it’s okay to want more than one thing. 

Finding things that make you feel more like yourself can help you feel more fulfilled, more at ease, and even make you a better parent overall. Being a parent with interests outside of your children is a way to show your kids the benefits of a well-rounded, well-resourced parent. In addition, when you know who you are outside of parenthood, it makes the transition to an empty nest easier when it eventually comes (even though that may seem very far away). 

Rediscovering who you are after kids

We often spend our early adulthood discovering things about ourselves. Things we like, things we don’t like, things we want to explore. When we have kids, it seems like the ability to explore those options goes away because we’re so focused on our children. 

You may never go back to being who you were before you had kids, because that person doesn’t exist anymore. You are a person with kids. However, you’re not only a parent. You’re also a person with interests and an identity outside of parenthood, even if parenthood is what’s all-consuming at the moment. Figuring out who you are now as a person with children can take time, trial and error, and especially self-compassion. 

Here are 5 places to start when rediscovering your identity after becoming a parent:

Unfollow people who make you feel shame

There’s so much shame wrapped up in parenthood, and especially motherhood. You may be seeing people on social media who seem to have it all together, who have endless time for themselves and their children, and who have very strong opinions about how you should be doing things as a parent. If following these people on social media is making you feel badly about yourself, it’s more than okay to unfollow them! It’s important to be extra kind to yourself, and it’s hard to do that when your inner critic is repeating the shame-y things you hear online. 

Take care of yourself, too

When was the last time you spent some time taking care of yourself, and not just your kids? It might seem like there’s no time, or that spending time on yourself is selfish, but it’s not. Caregiving is exhausting, and it’s real, hard work. You’re allowed to take a break. You’re allowed to ask for help! Can you carve out 15 minutes a day to engage in the kind of self-care you used to do pre-kids? Maybe it’s skincare, maybe it’s a hobby, maybe it’s exercise, maybe it’s a nap. Start small and see how it feels.

Think about the things you liked when you were a child

If you’re looking for things that make you feel like yourself again, but are stuck on where to start, consider the younger version of you. What did you enjoy doing when you were small? What were the things that lit you up? Did you like to read? Did you like to make music? Did you like to color or paint? Were you super active, or always moving around? Did you spend time with animals? What did you want to be when you grew up? Is that something you could explore now? 

Connect with other parent friends

It’s great to have friends in all stages of life, but there’s something to be said for friends who are in the trenches with you. Other parents can relate to the stage of life that you’re in, and the loss of identity that you’re experiencing. It may be nice to commiserate with people who know exactly what you’re going through, and you may be able to help each other through a tough time. You might even be able to offer each other childcare so you can each have some free time to explore new interests, or all take a class together on something that interests you. 

Work with a therapist who understands the transition to parenthood

Life transitions like parenthood are tricky, and working with a therapist can give you a safe space to figure out who you are on the other side. Life is made up of different seasons, and therapy can help you find ways to make peace with the season that you’re in while still feeling like you’re a whole person and not just a parent. 

Therapy for parents can help you connect to yourself and you life again, find peace and joy as a parent, let go of guilt and shame, find ways to engage in self-care, develop coping skills, and gain insight into your emotions.

If you’re a parent looking to rediscover your identity after having kids, Hope+Wellness provides therapy for parents with stress and adjustment concerns, depression, anxiety, and other related concerns. We serve Falls Church, McLean, and Arlington, as well as Tysons Corner, Vienna, Reston, Great Falls, Fairfax, Merrifield, and Alexandria, as well as Washington DC and Maryland. In person and telehealth services are available.