How (& Why) You Should Get Clear on Your Values

Why is it important to know our values? 

There are many reasons it’s important to know what your values are; but the biggest is that there is no one path that your life is supposed to follow. So knowing your values helps you to determine what that path should be for you. While there are a lot of social pressures to follow a specific path (go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc.) the path you’re on should be based on your values. That “traditional” path is good for some, and not the right fit for others, and there’s no right or wrong choice. 

Being clear on what your values are helps to make the process of making decisions easier. 

Because there’s really never a “correct” choice when it comes to what path your life can take, decision making can feel impossible, especially if you struggle with anxiety. It can seem like there is a lot riding on every decision!  When you can base your decisions on your values you can be confident you made the choice that aligns with how you want your life to look, even if you need to take corrective action later. 

Making decisions based on your values also helps to take the moralizing out of decisions–there’s no “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” choice. It’s just identifying which choice fits best with your values! It’s alright if it’s a choice that doesn’t or wouldn’t work for someone else.  

And, it can help to ease anxiety when you’re in a new situation! 

Because even in situations where you are feeling anxious because you’re pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, you can rest assured you’ve made a conscious, intentional choice to try and manage that discomfort, as it aligns with the life you want and the values you have. 

3 Ways to Get Clear on Your Values: 

Start with a list: 

One way to get clear on your values is to just start with a list of common values. That one linked is a list of the world’s most influential values–meaning the values that the majority of people globally identify as being the driving force(s) behind their behaviors. 

Look through the list of 56 different values–can you narrow it down to ten? Try not to overthink it–go through the whole list and circle a value as soon as it seems right to you, without thinking about how many you’re circling. Then, when you’ve gotten through the whole list, count how many you’ve circled. 

If it’s more than ten, see if you can narrow it down. Are there any that are similar? Are there any moments in your life where you’ve had to make a decision between one or the other? Which one and why? Think about what kind of person you want to be–what kind of individual, what kind of friend, what kind of partner, etc. Do any of the values you’ve selected contradict that? Cross those out. Continue this process until you get down to ten, and then count those as your (current) core values.

Think of a difficult time you got through: 

 How did you make decisions on what to do? What seemed most important and why?

Let’s say you were accepted into an academic program you want to participate in, but the cost of it means you can no longer afford to live on your own, or you will have to accept financial help from family. Here you have to consider which value is most important to you: education, or independence? And could one be achieved in another way?

For example, if independence is the stronger value, could you live on your own and do things like: take free online courses or local community classes, or listen to podcasts & read books on the subject you’re looking to further your education in? It’s a way to achive both that desire for independence without completely sacrificing a pursuit of learning.

Consider someone you admire: 

 Think of your friends, your partner, a relative, etc.  What drew you to them? What traits of theirs do you admire?

For example: Let’s say you have an aunt you always look forward to visiting. She has wonderful stories and always takes time to sit with you and talk, and you always leave wishing you could be more like her. 

Think about what it is about those visits that brings you so much joy. What about your aunt is exciting and admirable? What is it you want to be like? Does she have stories of all the friends she’s made or different places she’s visited? Maybe community and connection is one of your values. Does she push you out of your comfort zone? Perhaps the value there is adventurousness or curiosity. 

Remember your values can shift and evolve over time, so it’s important to check in with yourself about what you value. If you find yourself feeling unhappy or unsatisfied regularly after big decisions, it might be time to reconsider the values driving your behavior! 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

 Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

It’s no secret that life for the past 18 months have been a lot different than any of us could have imagined. When life is scary or confusing (or both!) it can seem like it will go on like this forever. We’ve now spent the better part of 2 years putting our lives on hold because of the pandemic, which is still raging on. Tensions seem to be at an all time high. We’re all sick of the way things are, and we’re all trying to deal with it in our own way. Gone are the days when we all baked bread and stayed home - we all have had to find ways to move forward in this new reality, and that can be exhausting. If you’re feeling tired or numb right now, you’re not alone. 

When life is overwhelming, it can sometimes seem like there’s no point to anything. There is a sense of overwhelming hopelessness that can get out of control quickly. While there are plenty of things to be confused or concerned about right now, it is possible to still feel a sense of purpose.

Finding meaning can look different for everyone. Some people find meaning through creativity. Others use religion to make meaning of the world around them. Many people find meaning in their communities or in nature.When life is scary, restoring your sense of purpose can be a deep comfort. 

If you’re looking for ways to find meaning in life right now, here are 5 ideas: 

Join a community

Humans are social creatures. We are wired for connection! When things get tough, community can be a valuable resource for support. It might not be as easy to join an in-person community right now, but there are many options out there for virtual communities. Try local Facebook groups or Meetup groups. If there are any causes out there that are important to you, look into joining a community focused around that. Working together with other people who care about something as much as you do can go a long way to restoring your faith in humanity. 

Explore your values

When was the last time you explored what’s important to you? Values are what we consider to be important in life. Everyone’s values are different. Some people value privacy, and others prefer to share. Some people value promptness, and others are chronically late. There are a million different values that we can have, but it can be a helpful exercise to make a list of values that are especially resonant for you. Your values may shift over time, and that’s okay! Change is natural. That’s why it’s helpful to explore your values every so often, so you know what is important to you. Understanding your values can help you make decisions, come up with goals, and manage uncertainty. 

Try acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. For example, you might feel frustrated that you’re caught in a rainstorm. But spending time being frustrated that you’re soaked doesn’t do anything to change the fact that it’s raining. Accepting that it’s raining doesn’t mean you approve of the rain - it just means that it’s happening. When you stop struggling against something, sometimes it has less power. Instead of spending your time focused on what is bringing you distress, what would shift if you accepted it? 

It’s also important to note that acceptance doesn’t mean that nothing will ever change or improve. Acceptance just means you’re not struggling against reality. To follow the rainstorm example, acceptance doesn’t mean that it will rain forever. 

Check cognitive distortions 

Sometimes what your brain tells you is not the truth. We all deal with faulty thinking sometimes, but it can be distressing when we don’t realize it’s happening. When you notice yourself thinking in extremes or having distressing thoughts, take a moment to check your thoughts for cognitive distortions. 

Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren't true, but that we believe. They can sneak up in a number of ways - “should” statements, all or nothing thinking, personalizing minimizing, jumping to conclusions, and discounting the positive are just some of the ways that cognitive distortions can show up. Remember, thoughts aren’t facts! 

Get to know yourself

Have you gotten to know the new you? We’ve all changed over the last year and a half, and many of us are still getting to know these new versions of ourselves. Crisis and chaos can lead to shifts in the way that we interact with the world and with ourselves, so take some time to explore what’s changed for you over this time. Are your values the same, or have they shifted? Do you have the same friends? What’s been meaningful to you over the past 18 months? 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are to journal, go to therapy, get an assessment, practice mindfulness, and try new things. 

As mentioned above, people find meaning in all sorts of ways. Spiritual practices or religion may help you find the meaning you’re looking for. Other people find meaning out in nature or spending time outdoors. What makes you feel inspired and curious? Follow that thread to find meaning. 

If you’re still struggling to find meaning when life is scary or confusing, therapy can be a great option. A trained therapist can help you find insights and solutions that work for your specific situation so you can get back to feeling like your old self again. Get in touch today to book a session.