Don't Know What You're Feeling? Try This.

You’re sitting in therapy and your therapist asks the dreaded question: how are you feeling right now?

But there’s a storm of emotions in your head that you can’t decipher so you just say: I don’t know. 

This happens to all of us, and not just in therapy. There are so many moments we find ourselves not knowing what we’re feeling–maybe because we haven’t taken enough time to sit with it, or maybe because we’re feeling something in a context we’ve never felt it before–or maybe because many of us aren’t taught to recognize and have compassion for what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. This leaves us at a disadvantage later, when it feels like our emotions are controlling instead of informing us. 

What’s the purpose of our emotions? 

Emotions can seem scary because we just aren’t taught a lot about them. When we shy away from understanding them, they become these all powerful entities that can control our lives. But the truth is, emotions (and the experience of having any emotion) is neutral. While it may feel positive or negative, the emotion itself is never a “bad” one to have. 

Emotions serve different purposes, including providing information to us about certain situations, or communicating to others how we feel. They can motivate us to act or help us avoid dangerous situations or potential threats. Emotions give us information about how we process and respond to the world around us. 

But emotions aren’t just felt in our minds, they involve what’s called a mind-body connection as what we experience is processed in our minds and felt in our bodies and physiological responses. These physical responses can be another way of your body trying to get you to pay attention to what your feelings are telling you, and to take appropriate action. Learning these physical responses can help you identify what you’re feeling when you have regular ways your feelings manifest in your body. 

Why is it so hard to figure out what we’re feeling?

The trouble with emotions is that they’re tricky. For example, some people may feel generalized anxiety and tension all day even in the absence of any threat. Others may be prone to feelings of depression and tend to interpret different situations with negative thoughts, thus in turn creating greater feelings of depression.

And, sometimes we just don’t have the vocabulary to decipher what we’re feeling.

Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you find ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make values-aligned decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a greater sense of self esteem. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.

So how do we identify what we’re feeling if we don’t have the vocabulary for it?

One option is to browse out list of feelings here. Another method we’ll explore today is the Feelings Wheel! The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you have trouble identifying your feelings. 

The wheel starts with 7 general emotions at the center:

1. Happy 

2. Surprised 

3. Bad 

4. Fearful 

5. Angry 

6. Disgusted 

To start, you pick which of the five emotions feels closest to what you’re feeling. As the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So for example, maybe you can only identify that you feel sad. If you start at sad, and go one ring out, is there a more specific feeling that fits? Maybe your sadness is actually hurt, and that hurt is embarassment. From there, you can take time to think of what it was that made you feel that way and how that feeling manifested for you. 

It may help to keep a feelings journal where you record this process. Note where you started on the feelings wheel and where you ended up. Then you can use the journal to explore how that feeling showed up in your body and what the circumstances around the feeling were. 

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

This process can seem like a lot of work, and maybe you’re thinking it’s just not worth it! But when we don’t take time to understand our emotions, they don’t just go away. Instead, they can get more intense the longer they’re ignored, and the way they show up as physical symptoms can get more intense too. Your body wil deman you pay attention to what you’re feeling at some point. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, and relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

Dealing With Negative Emotions: 7 Blogs to read When You’re Feeling Something Uncomfortable

Do you know what to do when you feel a negative or uncomfortable emotion? 

Life would be a lot easier if we were born knowing how to deal with uncomfortable, distressing, or unpleasant emotions, but coping with negative emotions is something we need to learn along the way. 

Dealing with negative emotions is one of the most common topics that we discuss in therapy. Negative emotions feel just like they sound - negative, and as humans we often struggle to balance negative feelings with positive ones. We will often do whatever we can to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, but sometimes the things we do to avoid or end those painful feelings lead to more problems. 

Avoiding feelings never actually makes them go away, it just pushes them off until a later time (and you often don’t get to choose when they come out). Trying to distract yourself from painful emotions with things like substances or risky behaviors might feel better in the moment, but there’s nothing that you can do to avoid negative emotions forever.

Finding ways to cope with negative emotions can help you reduce your distress level, improve your relationships, and help you feel more confident in dealing with whatever comes your way, because you know you can handle it.  

Dealing with distressing emotions in a healthy way takes practice. Learn where to start with these 7 posts about dealing with negative emotions: 

Shame is often a difficult emotion to cope with. 

“Unlike guilt, which is based on something you did or didn’t do, shame comes from the belief that there is something wrong with you. We aren’t born feeling shame, but we learn it based on our surroundings. Shame can be learned from experiences with others and from the culture we grow up in. Some psychologists believe that we developed shame as an emotion because we’re social animals. Without shame, some people might not follow laws or cultural norms. While sometimes shame is helpful, it can often spiral out of control.”

Here are 3 ways to start working through shame.

Do you know what to do when you feel angry?

“Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it from time to time. Like all emotions, it comes and it goes, and doesn’t last forever when we allow ourselves to feel it (versus repressing it). When any emotion comes up, we can notice it and find ways to cope with that emotion. Part of the experience of an emotion is sitting through it - there’s really no way around experiencing the emotion if you want to move forward from it. Think of other emotions you feel. When you’re sad, you might cry, or cuddle a pet, or take a nap. Those are all safe ways to cope with sadness. There are options for you to express anger in safe ways too.”

Explore safe ways to express your anger here.

Do you struggle to cope with feeling lonely?

“Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you. Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects.”

Read about what you can do when you're feeling lonely.

Sometimes we go through periods where life feels meaningless. 

“When life feels meaningless, it can be scary. You might feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling like you aren’t sure what it all means. You might wish you could go back to how things were before you started questioning everything.

It’s normal to have questions about what your purpose is to wonder about greater meaning. We all go through times where we question if we’re on the right path or where we come to a realization or go through an experience that changes our worldview.”

Here’s what you can do when life feels meaningless. 

Is being disliked something you worry about?

“One thing we don’t talk a lot about as a culture is being okay with being disliked. It often feels painful or shocking to realize that someone doesn’t like you, mostly because the default expectation is that people will like us. When you know that someone doesn’t like you, it can be confusing to deal with them in a way that doesn’t leave you frustrated or questioning your self worth.”

Here are 4 suggestions for ways to deal with being disliked by others.

You might feel uncomfortable when you make a mistake, but it doesn’t make you a bad person.  

“Everyone has done something that they’re not proud of or that they’d do differently if they had a chance. If you feel an intense wave of self loathing when you make mistakes, you might be dealing with some perfectionistic tendencies. While being perfect sounds fine on the surface, in reality it’s impossible, so expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure. Instead of setting yourself up to fail, remember that you’re human. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Even when that happens, you’re going to be okay. Mistakes don’t need to define you, especially when you use them as a learning opportunity.”

Consider these options next time you make a mistake. 

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about things you regret?

“Regret, when dealt with mindfully, is a sign of growth. If you’re looking back on an old situation and seeing new, better ways to handle your role in it, that means you’ve done some personal growth between then and now. You’ve matured, gotten to know yourself a little better, and now you can see that you had other options you didn’t see when you were in the moment.”

Here's how to cope with regret without letting it take over.

Are you looking for more support in dealing with uncomfortable emotions? Working with a therapist can help you find new ways to deal with distress and regulate your emotions, even when they’re uncomfortable. Contact us today to learn more about getting started.

6 Ways to Deal With Intrusive Thoughts

Have you ever had a thought pop into your head that was distressing to you? 

You probably have, because you’re human and as humans we have to deal with something called intrusive thoughts. Sometimes intrusive thoughts are about something scary or violent or otherwise socially unacceptable. Intrusive thoughts often cause extreme distress and worry, and they can be difficult to deal with in the moment. 

What are intrusive thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted ideas, images, or urges that seem to pop into your head with no rhyme or reason. The harder you try to ignore the intrusive thoughts, the more difficult it is to block them out and focus on something else. 

We all have intrusive thoughts from time to time, and they don’t last forever. When intrusive thoughts begin to get in the way of your daily functioning, though, it can be distracting and upsetting. Many people who struggle with intrusive thoughts on a regular basis also deal with mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or OCD. If intrusive thoughts are interfering with your daily life, it may be time to seek support from a mental health professional or your primary care doctor. 

Why are intrusive thoughts so upsetting?

One reason that intrusive thoughts are so distressing is because they can cause you to question yourself and fear your own mind. Often, intrusive thoughts are vivid ideas or images of something upsetting or an urge to do something that upsets you. When an upsetting thought or mental image comes into your head, it can make you fear that you unconsciously want to act on that thought, even when that’s not the case.

Just because you think something doesn’t mean you want to do it or that you’re a bad person. Many people struggle with their intrusive thoughts because they cause so much shame, it feels like they can’t confide in anyone about what is going on. In reality, it’s normal to have thoughts of all kinds, even upsetting ones, and you’re not alone in your experience. You might be surprised to find out that many people deal with intrusive thoughts, and there are things that you can do to help lessen the distress that they cause. 

So, how can you cope with intrusive thoughts? Here are 6 strategies to try the next time you have an upsetting intrusive thought: 

Acknowledge that they’re there

The first step to coping with your intrusive thoughts is to acknowledge that they exist. Have you ever tried to ignore something specific when it’s already on your mind? It’s really hard! Trying to ignore something makes it impossible to get out of your mind, and it will feel like a losing battle to try to pretend the intrusive thoughts aren’t there. 

Acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean that you are okay with them being there, it just means that you don’t have to struggle to pretend they’re not happening. Acknowledging your thoughts can free up the energy that you use trying to ignore them so you can do something to make yourself feel better. 

Focus on what’s true

There’s a skill that’s used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy called “Check the Facts” that helps you to assess a situation to figure out what is true and what is not before you take action. It is especially helpful in situations where you’re overwhelmed by your thoughts about a situation and need help clarifying what is actually going on without your own judgments getting in the way. This skill helps you regulate your emotional response to a situation, and it can be helpful in moments where intrusive thoughts are overwhelming you. 

The next time you find yourself overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, take a moment to slow down before reacting. It will take some practice to remember to pause and question yourself about what’s going on. Try to keep a list of questions to ask yourself when you’re trying to cope with intrusive thoughts such as: 

• Is this true? 

• What is the evidence that I have that this thought is true? 

• What is the source of this worry? Is it coming from me or someone else?

• What is the worst case scenario, and what can I do if that happens? 

Remember it won’t last forever

Take a moment to calm down and remind yourself that the distress you are feeling in this moment will pass. Your intrusive thoughts won’t last forever, and you won’t be stuck in this moment forever, either. Thoughts are temporary. Try repeating a mantra like “This too shall pass,” or “It came, so it can go,” to remind yourself of this. 

Distract yourself 

Sometimes distraction isn’t a helpful coping skill, but in situations where you’re extremely distressed, distraction can be exactly what you need. There’s nothing wrong with trying to focus your attention on something else until the upsetting thoughts have passed. 

Try to distract yourself with things like playing with a pet, listening to music, going for a walk, creating art, or working on a puzzle. Pick something that you can get immersed in, so it will be easier for you to distract yourself until the thoughts have passed. 

Try a grounding exercise

Intrusive thoughts take you out of the present moment and lead you to worry or ruminate over something that’s not happening right now. Using a grounding technique or even a mindfulness practice can help you feel more connected to the present moment instead of getting pulled away by the intrusive thought. Use a grounding exercise like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste to help reorient yourself to the present moment. 

Get help from a therapist

Intrusive thoughts can be very upsetting and working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on. Therapy can help you find strategies to cope that work best for your situation, and can help you be compassionate with yourself in the moment. It takes practice to cope with intrusive thoughts effectively, and therapy can be a helpful source of support as you practice these new skills. 

If you’d like to speak with a therapist about your intrusive thoughts, our therapists in DC, Maryland, and Virginia have appointments available! Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

6 Ways Hobbies Benefit Your Mental Health

Do you have a hobby?

Your answer to this now might be different than it was 4 years ago, before the pandemic. 

During the COVID lockdowns of 2020, hobbies became more popular than ever as we all looked for ways to keep ourselves busy at home. Surveys show that “59% of Americans took on a new hobby during the coronavirus pandemic.” Furthermore, “79% of consumers said they’ll continue with their hobby even after the pandemic is over.”

Why do we love hobbies?

The reason that hobbies are so popular is because they give you a chance to unwind and recharge mentally. Lots of hobbies are physically taxing, but they allow us time to get in the zone of doing something we like and get over the stress of our day. 

Having something that you care about can make a big difference in your mental health. When you have something to look forward to, it’s easier to deal with smaller day to day annoyances. 

Burnout is extremely common right now for a number of reasons. Time spent engaging in hobbies can be a source of joy and replenishment, which can be a powerful antidote to burnout. It’s like having a little happiness bubble that makes it harder for negativity to get in. 

Hobbies aren’t just for fun, they’re good for you, too! Here are 6 ways hobbies benefit your mental health: 

Level up your confidence

Learning something new helps build up confidence. While being a beginner at something can be frustrating at times, sticking with it and trying again is a way to practice resilience. Over time, as you improve, you’ll feel more confident in your abilities to handle new challenges. In moments when you’re feeling less confident, it can be helpful to remind yourself of how far you’ve come. 

Hobbies also give you a chance to experience mastery, or to feel proud of something you have accomplished. Feeling mastery happens when you can see your improvement over time, and can be a powerful mood booster.

Opportunities for mindfulness

Mindfulness doesn’t just come from meditation. Anything that gives you a chance to be engaged in the present moment is a mindfulness practice. Engaging in a hobby often teaches you to slow down and focus on what you’re doing. Hobbies can also help drown out the pressures and annoyances of the day to day world and narrow your focus down to what you’re doing. This can help lower anxiety! 

Hobbies also offer you a chance to experience a flow state. A flow state is one where you are completely absorbed and engaged in whatever activity you are doing. This state often occurs when you’re skilled in an activity and find yourself completely immersed in it, making it feel like time is flying. This feeling can help with regulating emotions, as well as increasing your sense of happiness and fulfillment. 

Improved cognition

When you engage in a hobby, you’re using your brain. You’re likely using different parts of your brain than when you’re working or in your personal life. Doing new things is helpful for your cognition because it builds new pathways in your brain. The more you use these new pathways, the stronger they become. 

Having a hobby can also help keep your brain healthy. Some hobbies, like playing instruments, have been found to support memory, while others, like puzzles, have been found to protect against dementia. 

Increased creativity

Trying and learning something new can give you a big boost of creativity. Everyone is creative, but we don’t always get opportunities to nurture our creativity. Trying new hobbies can help you nurture your creative side. Hobbies allow you to express yourself in new ways and to learn new skills to keep improving. 

Chances to build community

We’re not meant to be alone in the world, and hobbies are a great way to build community with like-minded people. When you find a group of people who are passionate about the same thing as you, it feels validating. Whether you build community virtually or in real life, increasing your social connections feels good. We all need support from others and finding people who also engage in your hobby can build up your support system. 

Building community sounds intimidating, but it doesn’t all happen overnight. Even something as simple as following a few other people with your hobby on social media can help you feel less alone and more connected to others. 

Lowered stress

After a long stressful day, engaging in a hobby can help you feel better. Hobbies give you a break from your demanding day to day life. Research has shown that when we take time to engage in hobbies we enjoy, our brains release neurotransmitters like dopamine, which feels good. One study found that making visual art significantly lowered the levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, in participant’s blood. 

A hobby can be an outlet that lets you blow off steam when you’re overwhelmed. It’s also helpful to find an activity where you can lose yourself in what you’re doing, because that can help distract you from whatever is causing you stress. 

An important note: Don’t trade rest for hobbies

While hobbies have real mental health benefits, they can also be a way that we overwork ourselves, so be careful to make time for rest. Balancing leisure time with work, life’s responsibilities, and rest can be tough. 

It’s tempting to be productive at every moment, thanks to our cultural obsession with work. Hobbies can be a way to meet that cultural expectation to be productive and fill your time with things other than rest. Focusing on the joy of experiencing your hobby, instead of on the outcome, can help you get the benefits of a hobby without forcing yourself to be useful or productive. 

Many people feel pressure to monetize their hobbies, especially in times of financial insecurity. Putting pressure on yourself to be so good at something that you can make money off of it can take away the positive aspects of engaging in hobbies. 

It takes real effort to disconnect from the idea that you need to be productive at all times, including your leisure time. It’s okay to use your free time for rest instead of finding another way to get things done.

Hobbies are just one way to benefit your mental health, but there are many others, including working with a therapist. If you’re looking for a mental health professional who can help you in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Northern Virginia, get in touch with our office today. 

How to Make a Coping Skills Toolbox

What’s your go-to coping skill when you’re upset or emotionally activated? 

We all have different ways that we cope in stressful or emotional times. Sometimes the ways we cope are strategies we learned when we were young to protect ourselves. Others might be skills we’ve learned as we’ve grown up and experienced different situations. Sometimes coping skills are supportive, and sometimes we outgrow coping skills that used to work. There are even times where we use coping skills that end up causing more emotional distress down the line. 

However you cope, it can be helpful to make a coping skills toolbox to use when you’re upset or emotionally activated. Keeping a dedicated container with some helpful items and reminders inside can make a big difference when you’re having an unpleasant emotional experience. Everyone is different and copes differently, so the suggestions we have for a coping skills toolbox are just a jumping off point. 

Using more supportive coping skills than the ones you’ve relied on for years can be tricky in the moment, when you’re outside of your window of tolerance and emotionally activated. It’s hard to rely on newer coping skills that we learn because the old ones are hard-wired into our brains. It takes our brains time to make the connections that help us form new habits. That’s why practice is crucial. 

One of the keys to developing new coping skills is to practice using them when you’re not already upset or emotionally activated. Your ability to think clearly lessens the further you go outside of your window of tolerance, so thinking of ways to comfort yourself in the moment can be close to impossible sometimes. Having a go-to resource that you can rely on when you’re distressed can make coping with the situation and moving forward a bit easier. 

Here are some suggestions for what to keep in your coping skills toolbox, so you can pull it out the next time you’re emotionally activated and need soothing. 

Mindfulness Exercises

When you’re upset, it is hard to focus on what is happening in the present moment. When putting together your coping skills toolbox, try adding some mindfulness exercises or activities to help you reduce your stress and worry and focus on what’s happening right now. If there’s an exercise or activity that is helpful to you, write down some instructions or a reminder of what to do on an index card or piece of paper to help guide you in the moment.

Some items that you can add to your toolbox to help you cope in stressful moments are: 

• Deep breathing exercises, like box breathing or 4-7-8 breathing

• Meditation tracks on a meditation app

• Progressive muscle relaxation exercises

• Coloring pages

• A journal to write in and a pen

Distractions

When you’re upset, sometimes the most supportive thing to do is to distract yourself until the painful or distressing emotions pass. Distraction can become unsupportive when it’s the only coping skill you use, but there’s nothing wrong with distracting yourself from time to time when you’re upset. 

Here are some items for your coping skills toolbox that may help distract you: 

• Movies to watch

• Music to listen to 

• Games to play

• Puzzles 

• A playlist of funny videos

• Hobbies, like crafting or baking

Movement Ideas

Movement can be helpful in times of high stress and emotion. Movement is not only a distraction, but it can help release feel-good hormones throughout your body that can make you feel less distressed. You don’t have to move in a way that punishes yourself or your body, but some people do find that intense movement can be really helpful when they’re super emotionally activated. 

Here are some items you can keep in your coping skills toolbox to encourage movement: 

• Yoga mat

• Foam roller or muscle massager

• Sneakers

• Gardening tools

• A list of exercise videos you like

• Guides for stretching

Calming Sensory Objects

Using your senses is a powerful way to calm down or comfort yourself during intense emotional distress. Try to engage one or all of your senses during upsetting moments by keeping some sensory objects in your toolbox. Some items might be hard to keep all in one box, so leaving yourself a reminder of what objects to grab can be helpful in the moment. 

Some ideas for sensory objects that can be comforting are:

• Candles, lotion, or other comforting scented objects

• Soft blankets or pillows

• Calming music

• A pen to click

• Fidget spinners or stim toys 

• Soft toys or a stress ball to squeeze

• Cuddly stuffed animals

• Candies, mints, lozenges, gum

• A warm beverage mix like tea or cocoa

• Silly putty or slime

• Weighted blanket

• Photos of people you care about

Reminders

If there’s a coping skill that you want to remember to use when you’re emotionally activated, write it down on an index card or slip of paper and add it to your toolbox. You can pull out the card when you need to and remember what to do to make yourself feel better. It may also be helpful to keep some affirmations handy in your coping skills toolbox that you can repeat to yourself in distressing moments. 

It may also be helpful to leave a reminder for yourself that this difficult moment won’t last forever - eventually it will pass. Emotions are like waves, and they do eventually recede, even when they’re uncomfortable. Finding ways to help yourself cope until the difficult emotions fade can help you feel more prepared for next time. 

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn and practice new coping skills that you can add to your coping skills toolbox. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

Why Being Bored Is Good for Your Mental Health

How often do you allow yourself to be bored? 

Boredom has a reputation for being a negative state of mind, but boredom actually has benefits for your mental health, like improving creativity, curiosity, and self-control. 

Everyone’s brain is different, so boredom can be an individual experience. Some people’s brains (like certain folks with ADHD, for example) crave more stimulation and experiences, and so their threshold for what’s boring will be higher than someone whose brain works differently. What makes you feel bored won’t necessarily make your best friend or sister or coworker or neighbor feel bored. 

Boredom doesn’t mean mindlessly numbing out, like by scrolling through social media. Boredom, without distractions, can make you feel restless or distressed because it forces you to feel your feelings and be in the present moment, both of which are hard to do.  

Feeling bored can feel stressful for a few reasons:

Cultural pressures 

In our capitalist world, we often measure ourselves by our productivity levels, even if we don’t realize we’re doing it. It always seems like there’s something else to do and that taking a break is lazy or selfish. Remember, you don’t exist to be productive. You can do absolutely nothing and you’d still be a person worthy of love, care, and respect. Offer that love, care, and respect to yourself when you feel cultural pressure to always keep busy. 

Unused to being with yourself 

Being present with yourself can be hard, even painful. When we’re in the moment with no distractions, it can be hard to deal with the thoughts, feelings, and urges that come up. Sometimes we stay so busy that we don’t leave enough time to check in with ourselves and process our thoughts and feelings. It can feel scary to slow down enough to be with yourself, especially if it’s been a while. Learning how to be present with yourself takes time, so don’t be too hard on yourself when it’s tricky. 

We are afraid of being boring (vs being bored)

There’s a somewhat common phrase that says “only boring people get bored.” Beliefs like this contribute to people being afraid to be bored, even though boredom is actually good for you. 

Just because you have moments of boredom in your life doesn’t mean that you yourself are boring. It’s impossible for you to be entertained every single minute of every day without being disconnected from yourself and your needs. Figuring out how to take care of yourself requires introspection, or looking inward and feeling our feelings, even when they’re hard. Doing this doesn’t make you boring - it makes you human. 

Unsupportive coping behaviors

Some people fear or resent boredom because of the way they (or their loved ones) cope with  being bored. Coping skills are meant to help us through tough situations, but they don’t always support us long-term. Some people cope with boredom by acting in self destructive ways or by lashing out at others. Some people cope by using substances or engaging in risky behaviors. Not everyone copes this way, but the negative associations you might have with how people cope when they’re bored might contribute to the way you think about boredom. 

How is being bored good for your mental health? 

Even though being bored can bring up some complicated feelings, it’s actually beneficial to your mental health in a few ways. Being bored: 

Gives you time to process

Our brains do a lot in the background, even when we feel bored. When we give ourselves time to rest and do nothing, it gives our brains a chance to process and encode what’s going on. It takes a lot of cognitive power to go through day to day life, and giving your brain a break lets it play catch up. 

When you’re bored, this processing might be done in the background, where you don’t notice it, and sometimes you might process things more mindfully. Thinking through your day, reflecting on things you learned, and even daydreaming can help you process your thoughts and feelings if you give yourself the time to do it. 

Boosts creativity 

Have you ever tried to figure out a problem, and then after taking a long shower or a nap, the answer felt like it was right in front of you? Sometimes giving yourself some space to be bored and to do nothing frees up your brain to find new solutions or make connections that you couldn’t make with so much on your mind. 

Boredom when done right, with no distractions, gives your brain a chance to wander. You might notice new things that you’ve missed before, or reflect on what’s going on. Using your imagination in moments of boredom can help you think in ways you don't normally, which can help boost creativity. 

Allows curiosity

Our brains crave excitement and novelty, and when you’re bored you give yourself a chance to be curious. Curiosity and our search for excitement often lead to important breakthroughs on a personal level and on a cultural level. Being bored can help people think of new solutions to problems, or to take action on something important. Without boredom, we would have fewer opportunities to be curious and explore new things. 

Improves self-control

Learning how to be bored is a skill that many of us have forgotten about, or didn’t learn in the first place. We have screens with us almost constantly now, so it’s really easy to avoid boredom by finding somewhere to scroll. Letting yourself be bored gives you a chance to exercise a little self-control instead of opting for mindless distraction. 

Getting yourself comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of boredom is an important skill.  There are lots of uncomfortable emotions out there that we can’t avoid. Learning how to regulate yourself emotionally during those moments is a skill that you can rely on in the future, no matter what comes your way. 

Are you looking for more ways to support your mental health? Working with a therapist is a great way to learn more about yourself and what your specific needs are so you can feel more aligned with who you are. Reach out to our office today to get started on your mental health journey.  

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the same thought loop, no matter how distressing it is? 

When you get stuck in a never ending loop of negative thoughts about a situation, you might be ruminating. This distressing pattern of thinking can be hard to break out of, but there are things you can do to help yourself when you find yourself stuck in rumination. 

What is rumination?

Rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”

Rumination is different from other kinds of thinking in that it keeps you focused on the negative and is hard to break out of. Rumination becomes a problem when you can only focus on the negative parts of situations or when your thoughts become excessive or overly repetitive, because it causes distress. 

The key to rumination is that no action is taken to lower the feelings of distress - it just becomes a cycle of obsessive thinking without a solution. 

Why is ruminating unhelpful?

It's not always a bad thing to focus on something. Sometimes, it’s helpful to do some deep thinking about a situation. Thinking about things from the past can help you learn lessons from past mistakes and increase your level of self-awareness. Considering future situations can help you prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Ruminating doesn’t help with any of these things, because it relies on inaction. When you don’t take action to either apply the lessons you’ve learned or prepare yourself for what’s coming, it’s hard to get out of this negative thought process. Rumination keeps you stuck in a state of worry and distress, instead of allowing you to move forward. 

The next time you get stuck ruminating on a situation, remember you don’t have to stay there. Here are 5 things you can do to stop ruminating and lower your distress: 

Distract yourself

When something distressing is happening to you, it’s okay to distract yourself from it. Distraction isn’t always the best solution to dealing with feelings, because it can lead to ignoring or repressing them, which can have negative consequences. When you’re stuck in a thought pattern that you can’t get out of, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is distract yourself. 

Distraction can help redirect your attention onto something less distressing, so you can break the cycle of rumination. Try watching a new show or movie that has an interesting plot or something complicated you can follow to take your focus away from what’s upsetting you. You can also try exercise, listening to music or a podcast, reading a book or listening to an audiobook, chatting with a friend, making art, cleaning, doing a house project, or even taking a nap. 

Make adjustments as needed 

Sometimes it can be hard to break out of rumination because you wish you had done something differently. Regret is complicated, but it can feel tempting to focus your attention on what went wrong instead of what you can do to prevent it from happening again. 

If this is the case for you, make a point of acknowledging what is painful about the situation. You can even say to yourself, “Wow, I wish I would have done that differently.” Instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral, though, remind yourself that there are things you can do to learn from this experience. Keep those lessons in mind and then try to forgive yourself for what happened. It might take time, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just makes you human. 

Try a grounding or mindfulness exercise

Rumination is tricky because we often don’t realize it’s happening until we’re in the middle of it. One way to help is to try to bring yourself back to the present moment. A mindfulness practice can be helpful with this, as can grounding exercises. 

Not only will grounding or mindfulness help in the moment, practicing them regularly can help you in the future to redirect your thoughts  before you get too distressed. Grounding can help you become reacquainted with your body in the present moment. One common grounding practice is to use your senses to focus on what’s happening in the moment. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise will not only distract you from the distress of rumination, but it will also help you step out of the negative thought pattern you’re stuck in. The more you practice the easier it will be to use these skills when you need them! 

Stick to a time limit

Even when we have the best intentions to not ruminate on something, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in your thoughts. If you really feel like you need to ruminate on something for a bit, give yourself permission to do so, but set a time limit for yourself. 

Remember, rumination isn’t actually productive or helpful, it just keeps you stuck in the negative. Give yourself 20 minutes to focus on this, and then when the timer goes off, stick to your boundary and move on to something that will actually be helpful. 

Trust and believe in yourself 

Rumination can lead to lowered self-esteem because it keeps you second guessing yourself instead of moving forward. One powerful way to interrupt rumination is to remind yourself that you are capable and to believe in yourself. Think about it: you’ve survived every bad situation or mistake you’ve ever made. Even if you’d do things differently, you still made it through. You’re much more capable than you think and give yourself credit for. Having the confidence in yourself that you can get through anything can be like armor that protects you from the negative effects of rumination. So, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? You’re still amazing, and you can still handle everything that comes your way. 

If you’re struggling with obsessive or distressing thoughts, working with a therapist can help. You don’t have to say feeling this way forever. Get in touch with our office today to make an appointment and get started. 

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Many of us think of crying as a negative thing, but crying is actually an important function, physically and mentally. Crying is an often cathartic release that can improve mood, sleep, and relationships, and lower stress levels when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. 

Not everyone is a crier. While some folks cry easily and regularly, others rarely cry, if at all. 

There are a few reasons for this. First, everyone is different, and everyone experiences emotions differently. Some people are just wired to be more sensitive to crying than others, and that’s okay. A common reason why people are afraid to cry is because they feel like if they start, they’ll never stop. If you never let yourself have the kind of cathartic release that crying can bring, you’ll start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions you’re pushing down.

Others feel that crying is a sign of weakness. It’s also important to point out the gender roles at play here. Women are far more likely to cry than men, and crying is often seen as feminine or unprofessional. According to the American Psychological Association, the average woman cries 30-64 times a year, compared to men who cry 5-17 times a year on average. These beliefs encourage people who cry easily to not be taken seriously, especially in the workplace or in leadership roles. 

Of course, sometimes crying isn’t a positive experience. Sometimes crying is a result of pain or distress that can’t be relieved by tears alone. Context matters with crying - for a good cry, it helps to be somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, rather than somewhere public or with people you don’t know well. It’s much more preferable to cry at home on the couch with your best friend than to cry in a conference room full of strangers. 

What is it about crying that is good for you? Here are 5 reasons: 

Crying relieves stress 

Not only is a bout of crying a helpful emotional release, but it can also help remove stress hormones from your body through your tears. That’s right! Tears actually have functions other than to communicate distress. Research has shown that cortisol, a stress hormone, is released in tears and that crying in and of itself may lower cortisol levels, which can reduce stress in the body. Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins, both of which can reduce pain and leave you feeling good. 

Crying improves relationships

Crying serves an important function for infants - it alerts their caregivers that they need something. From the time we’re born, crying helps us build connections with others. Vulnerability is scary but it can bring you closer to your loved ones when you experience it together. Think of a time when a loved one was vulnerable and cried in front of you. This can often trigger empathy and leave you feeling even closer than you did before. 

Tears are good for your vision

When you produce tears, they help keep your eyes lubricated and healthy. One type of tear, called reflex tears, are a direct response to debris in the eye. These tears move whatever the dangerous or uncomfortable thing is out of your eye to keep it from becoming irritated or injured. Some people deal with chronic dry eyes, where their eyes don’t produce enough of the moisture needed to stay comfortable and see correctly. Crying can help moisten up your eyes if you struggle with dry eyes. 

Crying is a way to physically process emotions

Crying is often associated with grief and sadness, because it’s a release from those painful emotions. Crying is itself a physical way to process emotions. Our emotions are not just stored in our minds; our bodies hold onto emotion and trauma. This is why engaging the body when approaching healing work can be so helpful. When you’re emotionally activated and you’re feeling out of control, a crying session might help flush out the uncomfortable emotions so you can approach things with a clear head instead of acting without thinking. 

Crying allows you to calm down

Sometimes it’s hard to calm yourself down when you’re feeling emotionally activated. Crying is a way you can practice self-soothing, because it activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When your PNS is online, your body goes into rest mode, and can help you feel more calm. This can help you feel more clear headed and lower the drive to do something out of urgency or because you’re upset. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system can also help improve sleep because it switches your body from fight or flight mode to relax mode, which can make it easier to settle down for the night. 

So, go ahead and have a good cry. You’ll probably feel better afterwards! 

If you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing a lot of crying that isn’t normal for you, talking with a therapist can be helpful. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment. 

6 Safe Ways to Express Anger

How do you react when you feel angry?

For a lot of people, anger is a confusing emotion. Everyone feels anger, of course, but we often aren’t taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way when we are young. It can feel like the only way to respond to anger is through yelling or violence, but that’s a myth that stems from our anger-phobic culture. 

Why are we afraid of anger?

Think about what comes up for you when you think about anger. For a lot of folks, those memories, emotions, and sensations are related to painful or frightening experiences. Feeling painful emotions is uncomfortable, so lots of us do whatever we can to avoid dealing with them, even if we don’t do that consciously. Many of us are in the habit of repressing our anger to the point where we might not think we feel it at all. 

Our culture has one very narrow view of anger: anger can be felt by a man, and he can respond to the anger he feels with violence. Whether that violence is a yelling match, hurting themselves, or hurting others, the typical reaction to anger that we see in the media is one that is out of control and scary. Our culture follows this script and encourages anger in men, and represses anger in women. 

Many women don’t feel that they experience anger at all, because women aren’t socialized to express anger. Women are often forced to hide their anger or ignore it entirely because our society doesn’t give women the option to be angry. Think of stereotypes like calling a woman “crazy” when she’s upset about something in a relationship, or the racist stereotype of the “angry Black woman.” Anger isn’t something women are allowed to feel like any other emotion - either we are forced to repress it, or it becomes our whole identity. 

Why can’t we just ignore anger?

The problem with repressing emotions is that they never stay repressed permanently. They always come up at one point or another, often when you’re least prepared to deal with them. Repressed anger doesn’t feel good. Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can have powerful effects when it’s not properly expressed. Repressing anger can lead to major swings in mood, increased irritability, and even anxiety and depression. 

Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it from time to time. Like all emotions, it comes and it goes, and doesn’t last forever when we allow ourselves to feel it (versus repressing it). When any emotion comes up, we can notice it and find ways to cope with that emotion. Part of the experience of an emotion is sitting through it - there’s really no way around experiencing the emotion if you want to move forward from it. Think of other emotions you feel. When you’re sad, you might cry, or cuddle a pet, or take a nap. Those are all safe ways to cope with sadness. There are options for you to express anger in safe ways too. 

Here are some suggestions for safe ways to express anger:

Use your voice

This doesn’t mean to get in a yelling match with someone. This just means to use your voice to express the intensity of what you’re feeling. Maybe this means you go for a drive in the car and scream-sing along to a playlist. Maybe it means you scream into your pillow for a bit. It could also mean talking it over with someone if that feels supportive to you. 

Get moving

Anger is an intense emotion, and can often feel like it’s bursting out of you or like it’s causing energy to build up inside of you. A great way to deal with the excess energy that often comes up with anger is to move your body and tire yourself out. Try dancing around to music that makes you feel powerful. Or maybe go for a run or a brisk walk. Any kind of intense movement that gets you moving and your blood pumping can be helpful here to work through the feeling of anger. 

Be destructive (strategically)

The urge to be violent when angry is often a way to get rid of the painful excessive energy that anger can bring. This urge can be met in ways that aren’t unsafe or scary, thankfully! Here are some ideas for how to be destructive in a safe, strategic way to help relieve some anger: 

• Safely throw or squeeze or hit or break something

• Visit a smash room and break some things

• Hit or kick a punching bag

• Squeeze play dough or a stress toy

• Knead dough or pound meat 

• Throw something soft (or maybe throw a toy for a pet to chase)

• Break down cardboard boxes

• Pound on a drum set

Practice progressive muscle relaxation

Anger can cause a lot of tension to spring up in the body. When you’re responding to anger, it can be helpful to notice where the anger is living in your body. This not only helps you identify what anger feels like so you can spot it when it comes up in the future; it also lets you know where to focus your attention for relaxation. To help you find where the anger is living in your body, you can do a body scan and practice mindfulness that engages the body, like progressive muscle relaxation. There are lots of guided body scan meditations available for free on platforms like Spotify, YouTube, and Insight Timer that you can try to get in the habit of scanning your body for signs of anger. Once you’ve spotted the anger in your body, you can focus on relaxing that area. Progressive muscle relaxation can help you slowly shift your body from a state of tension to a state of calm and safety. 

Find your safe place

Anger can feel scary and out of control. When intense emotions like anger come up, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you are safe and in control of yourself. Where is a place you can go mentally to remind yourself that you’re safe? Some people choose a beach or mountains as their safe place, and others prefer a room in their house or a space from their childhood home. 

When you feel an intense emotion, imagine you’re in your safe place. If it helps, carry a reminder of this with you or save a picture on your phone to help you mentally return to your safe place. This can be helpful with lots of distressing emotions, not just anger!

Are you looking for more support in coping with anger? It’s hard to know how to express anger safely when you’ve spent your whole life ignoring it. Our therapists can help you find ways that work for you to safely process and express your anger. Get in touch with our office today to get started!

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Do you know how emotions feel in your body? 

Emotions aren’t only felt in the mind. Our bodies react to our environments just like our brains do, and it can be helpful to connect emotions with body sensations so we can better understand what’s going on within us. 

It’s very common to feel a separation between emotions and body sensations. 

We often don’t receive much education when we’re young about emotional regulation and mental health, so lots of people don’t learn how to tune into the connection between emotions and sensations until adulthood.

Not only that, but in our culture we’re often encouraged to avoid our feelings. Think about how it’s considered a sign of “strength” to appear emotionless, especially in areas of power like politics or medicine. People cheerfully respond “Look on the bright side!” when confronted with the painful emotions of others. We’re taught that uncomfortable emotions like fear, shame, anger, and sadness aren’t as acceptable to express as positive emotions like joy, satisfaction, pride, and hope. 

It can be hard to describe what you’re feeling in your body, particularly if you have a history of using dissociation to cope. 

When you learn how to notice how your body reacts to certain emotions, you’ll be better able to spot difficult emotions when they come up before they cause distress. 

Learning how to connect your emotional experience to what’s going on in your body gives you another resource to turn to when you’re not sure what you’re feeling. If you can’t name it based on what’s going on in your head, turning to the body sensations you’re feeling can help you identify your emotions. 

So, how can you learn how to connect emotions and body sensations for yourself? Here’s a guide on how to approach it: 

Pause

Our bodies use emotions as messengers. They give us information about what’s going on in our environment, and it takes practice to tune into that communication. Give yourself permission to interrupt that communication so you can have more of a say in how you react. Taking a pause before you get carried away with an emotion gives you and your rational self a chance to intervene before things get worse. 

When you notice an uncomfortable feeling, whether it’s in your mind or a sensation in your body, take notice and give yourself space to take a few breaths. Remind yourself of the present moment, and ask yourself what’s actually going on. Taking this time to pause gives you more agency, or control, over the situation. 

Notice and Explore

Once you’ve interrupted your emotional spiral with a pause, it’s time to loop in what’s going on in your body. Do a body scan and try to notice any tension or discomfort that comes up. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Start from the top of your head and work down to your toes (or vice versa) while exploring any sensations you feel. What areas of your body are activated? 

For example, let’s say you’re feeling angry. When some people feel angry, they experience a tightness or pressure in their chest or throat. Some people feel a churning in their stomach or tension in their muscles when they’re angry. Everyone is different, so you’ll have to take the time to get to know your own personal tendencies about how you experience emotions in your body. 

Name

Have you ever heard the phrase “Name it to tame it”? This means that it’s easier to control how we react when we understand what it is that we’re feeling. When naming your emotions, it might be helpful for you to reframe your thoughts from “I am” to “I feel”. 

Why is this change important? Remember, you are not your emotions, you feel your emotions. 

There’s a difference between “I am sad” and “I feel sad,” even if it seems miniscule. The first phrase implies that we are the emotion that we’re feeling, that it is even part of our identity. The other phrase describes what’s actually happening - an emotion, sadness, has come up and you are immersed in it. 

If you’re wondering where to start when naming emotions that you might not be familiar with, using a tool like a feelings wheel (or even an emotions-sensations wheel like this one). This can help give you language to describe what you’re experiencing. Sometimes it will be easier to identify emotions based on the body sensations you feel, and sometimes it will be easier to name an emotion and then connect it to body sensations.The more you practice identifying your emotions and how they show up in your body, the easier it will be in the future. 

Give yourself resources 

Learning how to recognize and name your emotions and body sensations can help you get to the source of your feelings. Once you’ve uncovered that source, it can feel uncomfortable to sit in that emotion fully. How can you give yourself resources to help you cope in the moment? Is there anything you can do  to make things easier for yourself right now? It may also to be helpful to use your newfound emotional identification skills to use and search for any positive sensations that are happening along with what’s going on. Some resources that might help you when you’re in an uncomfortable moment are:

• Grounding practice or mediation

• Mindfulness meditation

• Reminding yourself of where and when you are (you’re safe, you’re in the present moment, not in the past). 

When you have the resources in place to help you cope, it’s easier to sit with an emotion, even if it’s intense. This is because you know that you have the skills and the resources to turn to when you need relief from those intense feelings. 

Express

Now that you understand more about what you’re feeling and where you’re feeling it in your body, you can take action to express that emotion. The way you express your emotion will likely vary from emotion to emotion and even day to day. The key is to tune into both your body and mind and try to meet the needs that they’re expressing to you. 

Are you wondering why it’s necessary to express emotions instead of just ignoring them? When you ignore your emotions or push them down, you can actually do more damage than you think. Suppressing emotions can be linked to poor communication in relationships, resentment, explosions of anger, and even physical symptoms like sleep issues or heart problems. 

People like to express their emotions in all sorts of ways. Here are some ideas to try: 

• Cry

• Scream

• Rapid movement, like running or jumping jacks

• Dance

• Sleep

• Write it out in a journal

• Talk it over with a loved one

• Play a game 

• Make a piece of art that shows your emotional experience

Learning how to connect emotions and body sensations is something that takes practice and lots of compassion. Working with a therapist can give you even more resources to take with you into the world so you can feel confident knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians in.