6 Signs It's Time for Couples Counseling

Is it time for you and your partner to start couples counseling?

When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it can feel hopeless and frightening. You might wonder what you can do to repair the connection you have and feel like a team again. Couples counseling can make a big difference in the way you communicate and connect with your partner.

There’s no perfect time to start couples counseling, but it’s true that couples often wait for a very long time to get support after they start having problems. The negative patterns that lead to disconnection have more time to get ingrained the longer you wait to change them. Relationship therapy can help you unpack those patterns, no matter when you and your partner choose to come in. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about couples therapy that can lead to couples waiting to get support.

First, couples counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort. You don’t even have to be going through something serious to start couples counseling. It can even be a good idea to start therapy before you have major issues, so that you have a solid foundation of communication skills and healthy conflict patterns when things come up.

Next, attending couples therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship or that you’ve failed in any way. Relationships are hard, and when there’s dysfunction in our important relationships, it can impact all parts of your life. Seeing a therapist to help your relationship 

It’s also important to note that couples counseling isn’t a quick fix. Therapy of any type takes work, and there are times when it will be hard or distressing. But there are also major benefits of couples therapy, including: 

• Learning and practicing tools for healthy communication

• Repairing and rebuilding emotional connection

• Finding growth as a couple

• Discussing current areas of improvement 

• Establishing a stable foundation for the future

• Strengthening intimacy

• Regaining warmth, closeness, and support

• Finding ways to resolve issues causing distress

• Making decisions in alignment with each other and your values

• Feeling confident in your ability to get through future issues

What brings couples to couples counseling?

There are lots of reasons why couples seek out couples therapy. While counseling can be immensely helpful during moments of relationship crisis, it’s not the only thing that brings couples to therapy. 

These are just some of the reasons why couples start therapy:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance

• Intimacy issues

• Affairs & infidelity

• General relationship dissatisfaction

• Navigating conflict

• Rebuilding trust

• Work-life balance difficulties

• Parenting differences

• Difficulties with in-laws or family members

• Substance use

• Differences in values

• Family planning and whether to have children

• Managing parenting differences

• Fairly dividing household and relationship labor

• Blended family dynamics

• Codependency

There’s no right or wrong reason to start seeing a couples counselor. But if you’re wondering when it’s time to start couples counseling with your partner, here are some signs: 

It’s been on your mind

If you’re reading this article, clearly this topic is on your mind. Of course, you don’t have to act on every thought you have, but if this is something you keep coming back to, it can be a sign that it’s the right time to talk about it with your partner and look for a relationship counselor. 

Trust has been broken

It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. Trust being broken between romantic partners can be hard to recover from, but it’s a lot harder without the support and guidance of an experienced couples therapist. If you’re struggling with trust in your relationship, therapy can help you work through the painful emotions and rebuild trust and safety. 

You don’t communicate well with each other

Like trust, communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you don’t communicate well, it can feel impossible to interact, even about small things. Feeling like you can’t talk to the person you love can be heartbreaking! Couples counseling can help you discover your negative communication patterns and practice healthier ways to communicate with one another.  

You’re stuck in conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships, but it’s not normal to fight all of the time. Even when you disagree, it’s possible to end conflicts so that you don’t get caught in a cycle of fighting. Research actually shows that most conflicts between couples can’t be easily solved and are perpetual, so it’s crucial to learn how to move forward from those moments. Relationship therapy can help you handle conflict in a healthier way.

There’s emotional distance

Disconnection can be painful in romantic relationships. When there’s a lack of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical or both, it’s distressing and often hard to talk about. A couples therapist can help you find ways to have hard conversations while helping each other feel safe. 

You’re going through a big life transition

Life transitions are major sources of stress, and stress can wreak havoc on our close relationships. If you’re already at your limit with stress, finding time for therapy might not seem appealing, but it can be a game-changer to give yourself another source of support when you’re going through a difficult time. 

Are you interested in couples counseling? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer therapy for couples in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Get in touch with us here to get started.

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy!