The Psychology of Fresh Starts: Embracing Change in the New Year

How do you feel about change?

Some people feel strongly about change - they either love it or hate it. However you feel about it, change is inevitable in life. Whether it’s big changes, like moving to a new place, or smaller changes, like your favorite restaurant shutting down, we have to deal with changes all of the time. 

With the start of a new year just a few days away, it’s a good time to think about your relationship with change. 

Why is change so hard?

Change is hard because change is intertwined with grief. A lot of people don’t realize that change plays a big part in grief. Grief isn’t just an emotional reaction to death or loss, but . Another definition of grief is “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” 

One of the hardest things about grief is adjusting to the new, changed reality. When things change, even for positive reasons, like getting a new job or becoming a parent, it takes time to adjust. The conflicting emotions that you feel as you adjust to the change are often uncomfortable or confusing. 

Our brains sometimes try to resist change, as a way to keep us safe from those feelings of grief that accompany change. 

Change can also be frightening. Change can represent the unknown, which can be scary to contemplate. Change can also be a reminder that we don’t have as much control as we like to think. Realizing that we can’t control everything, no matter how hard we try, can feel vulnerable or unsafe.  It’s hard to deal when you’re not sure what’s coming next. 

Change also often disrupts our routine, which can be distressing. Our routines, whether they’re conscious or not, bring us comfort, and it’s upsetting to have that interrupted. 

Even when you’re excited about change, you might deal with uncertainty, anxiety, or regret. You might wonder what life would be like if the change weren’t happening, or if you made the right choice. All of these feelings can be overwhelming. 

However unpleasant change may be at times, it’s also not often helpful to avoid change. When you avoid change, it can backfire, or lead to its own complications. Avoiding change can cause people to stay in stressful situations, for example, which can have serious effects on wellbeing. 

So, what can you do to feel more comfortable embracing change in the new year? Here are 6 tips:

Make a plan

If you know that a change is coming, make a plan for how you can take care of yourself during the period of change. If you’re dealing with an unexpected change, make a plan for how you can move forward now. Some things that may help with making a plan are writing lists, doing a brain dump in your journal, talking it over with friends, loved ones, or a therapist, and looking for advice from others who have gone through something similar. Having a plan in place can help with resilience, it helps you be as prepared as possible and can guide you in moments when you’re struggling. 

Work on acceptance 

Acceptance doesn’t mean that you approve of what’s going on. It just means that you stop fighting reality, which can add to your distress. Trying to fight change just uses up a lot of energy that you could use on helping yourself feel better. See if you can work toward accepting this change, instead of causing distress for yourself by fighting it. It might be helpful to consider the positive aspects of the change that you're dealing with to help you work toward acceptance. 

Feel your feelings 

Feeling your feelings sounds so simple, but it’s actually a process that a lot of us struggle with. Some feelings are uncomfortable, and it’s natural to try to avoid discomfort. Feelings need to be felt, though, to move past them. The only way out is through. 

Stick to your routine as much as possible

As mentioned earlier, one of the hardest parts of dealing with change is dealing with the impact it has to your routine. To try to minimize that impact as much as you can, stick to any parts of your routines that you can. Make sure you meet your own needs and practice self-care - take your meds, get enough to eat, stay hydrated, get enough sleep, move your body, and connect with others as much as you can. 

Watch out for cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are negative patterns of thinking. They can keep you stuck in believing negative and untrue thoughts, and contribute to your distress levels. An example of a cognitive distortion is catastrophizing, or seeing the worst in every situation. Consider if any of the thoughts you’re dealing with are cognitive distortions, and if they are, work to reframe them so they don’t control you. 

Lean on your support system

When things are hard, it’s the perfect time to call in extra support from the people who care about you. Asking for help can be uncomfortable at times, but remember that everyone needs help sometimes. You’re human! Opening up to the people who care about you can help you find solutions, feel validated and heard, and remind you that you’re not alone.  

Are you having a hard time coping with change? Working with a therapist can be a way to expand your support system and help you build resilience to change. Get in touch today to get started. 

End of the Year Toolkit: 9 Blogs to Help You Make It to January

We’re in the final stretch of 2023. But the end of the year rush can be some of the most stressful few weeks of the season. While it can be a time of togetherness and generosity, it’s also a time that requires more from us, socially, financially, and emotionally. 

This is our end of the year tool-kit; all of the blogs we’ve written that can help get you through the last few weeks. 

To help get ready for family gatherings:

Family parties and traditions can be some of our favorite moments of the holiday season, but that doesn’t mean they come without their own set of worries. Because holiday events are often big parties, you’re likely to be in close quarters with not just the family and loved ones you’re close to, but some you have some rocky relationships with as well. 

Taking a little time to prepare for those encounters can help reduce your anxiety about them overall, and allow you to focus on what you can control. You can find ways to both care for yourself and your needs, and make time to be with those you care about. 

Read: How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family or: 5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

To help manage seasonal depression: 

Winter is a tough time for a lot of us. The days are shorter and colder, we don’t want to be outside as much, and with the darkness falling so early in the day, it’s normal for us all to slow down a bit during winter. 

But when does it go from slowing down in a slower season to something to be concerned about? 

Read: 4 Signs That Your Funk Could Be the Result of Depression or: Self Care for Days You Can't Get Out of Bed

Give yourself the gift of self kindness this season:

Because we can be under so much stress in the final crunch of the year, and we’re often faced with awkward conversations with people we only see once a year at holiday parties, it can be easy to fall into self criticism during the holidays. 

Taking time to build in some body neutral practices and preparing yourself to slow down can help you offset that slide into criticism. 

Read: Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season and: 4 Ways to Accept a Slower Pace in the Winter Season

To get ready for the new year: 

Whether you’re a new year, new start kind of person, or someone just looking to get to January so the holiday season will be wrapping up, we’ve got something for you! And, as the COVID rates are surging again, it never hurts to revisit old boundaries for managing your health. Use the new year as an excuse to reaffirm them. 

Read: 4 Ways to Deal with New Year Overwhelm or: 8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in the New Year and Managing Covid Anxiety in the New Year

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

Do you look forward to holiday gatherings, or do you await them with dread? 

The holidays can be a time of mixed emotions for many. Even when there are things to look forward to, the social pressure of the holiday season can be overwhelming. People who deal with social anxiety often have a hard time during the holidays because there are so many gatherings and events during the holiday season between work, family, friends, and kids. The fear, discomfort, and stress that people with social anxiety feel around social gatherings can make the holiday season an uncomfortable time of year. 

Even when you don’t have a lot on your calendar for the holidays, social anxiety can still play a role. It can be hard to see what others are up to on social media, and seeing others have a seemingly perfect holiday can bring up some complicated feelings. Even though we’re only seeing the highlight reel, it can be hard to keep that in mind when you’re feeling vulnerable. Remember that social media makes other people’s lives seem perfect, but they aren’t actually perfect.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is more than just being shy. In fact, it’s possible to be shy and not have social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder significantly interferes with daily life because the discomfort and fear that people feel often drives them to avoid social situations entirely. 

People with social anxiety may feel like they’re physically unable to participate in social situations due to the intense fear, embarrassment, and anxiety they feel. For many people with social anxiety, it’s easier to not attend at all than to go and experience all of this distress. 

So, how can you make sure social anxiety doesn’t get in the way of enjoying events you attend during the holiday season? Here are 5 strategies for overcoming social anxiety at holiday gatherings:

Get there early

If you’re nervous about a gathering over the holidays, try to get there on the earlier side. There will be fewer people there and you can get used to the environment without being overwhelmed by people all at once. It's less stressful to walk into a mostly empty room than to walk into a packed gathering. It might also be helpful to bring someone with you so that you know you’ll have a friendly face to talk to who understands your limits. 

Remember you’re allowed to have different limits than other people

Social anxiety disorder is a very real condition, but not everyone understands it. Some people might give you a hard time for not being able to handle a packed social calendar during the holiday season. Remember that it’s okay for your limits to be different from someone else’s. Just because some people enjoy the bustle of the holiday season doesn’t mean that you need to. 

You're allowed to have different boundaries and needs from others, even people you care about deeply. If you’re feeling unsure or pressured, keep reminding yourself that it’s okay for your holiday season to look different than someone else’s, because we all have different needs and capacities. 

Give yourself a hard out for gatherings you’re dreading

If you’re dreading events this holiday season because of social anxiety, giving yourself some structure can help. Sometimes events are more palatable when you have a built in reason to leave at a certain time. Maybe you need to relieve the babysitter or the pet sitter. Maybe you have a meeting or an appointment, or errands to run. Try to think of something you can do to give yourself a reason to bow out of the holiday gathering 

Think of some things to talk about beforehand

If you’re not confident in your ability to small talk, there's no shame in taking a few minutes to gather your thoughts and make a list of potential conversation topics. Sometimes it’s hard to remember the answers to questions that you know because your anxiety gets in the way of thinking clearly, so rehearsing beforehand can lower your anxiety level. You don’t need to endlessly practice or ruminate on what you’ll talk about, but having some things in mind can make you feel more confident going into a holiday gathering when you have social anxiety. 

Have a couple go-to calming techniques in your back pocket

It's helpful to practice a few coping behaviors ahead of time so you can quickly use them when you’re overwhelmed in a social situation. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, and take a few deep breaths or practice progressive muscle relaxation to lower your anxiety level in the moment. Keep a list on your phone so you have easy access when you’re not home, and add to it when you find new calming techniques that work well for you. 

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

4 Ways to Deal with New Year Overwhelm

4 Ways to Deal with New Year Overwhelm

The new year is an overwhelming time, especially when you’re chronically online as most of us are. There’s always a huge frenzy of self-improvement at the new year, and it can be hard to escape on social media, at the office, and from friends and family. 

It makes sense that people are tempted to make big changes at the new year. Changing from one year to the next is a natural fresh start, and lots of people like to mark that new start with some new habits or goals. However, it’s important to remember that you can start something new or decide on a new goal anytime during the year, not just around January 1st.

This time of year is also typically pretty busy on its own, so adding major lifestyle changes to that can be completely overwhelming. Lots of folks are back in the office in the new year after a break, with mounting workloads from their time off or working seasonal jobs that take away free time, which leads to even more stress. 

Are you looking for ways to be less overwhelmed in the new year? Here are 4 ways to deal with New Year overwhelm: 

Don't expect your whole life to change with the change of the date

There’s a lot of pressure this time of year for a “new year, new you” where you erase all bad habits and pick up new ones almost effortlessly to improve your life. Remember, it’s not reasonable to change everything about yourself overnight. (And even if you did, then you wouldn't be you, which would be no good.)

If January 1st is looming over you and you feel like you have to do something major in the new year, remember that time is made up. Of course, time does pass, but the way we structure time is a man-made system. You can do anything you want to at any time, not just when the calendar changes to a new year. Some people prefer to use the start of the school year to kick off new habits or goals. Others use their birthdays, and some people just start on random days when they decide on a new goal. It’s up to you, not to anyone else.  

Connect with what you really want to do

Are there any habits or goals that would actually make a difference in your life? It’s okay to want to form new habits, and setting goals is a huge part of life. It’s just tricky to narrow down what you actually want in all the New Year’s Resolution noise from other people. If you genuinely want to see what your month would be like if you changed your relationship with alcohol, try a new year challenge like Dry January. If you’re feeling pressured into it from your social circle, give it some more thought or skip it. 

Ask yourself what would actually feel good to you and what would work with your current lifestyle. Small changes are more sustainable over long periods and can go a long way toward building your confidence, and when the changes you make are aligned with your goals and values, it’s a lot easier to maintain over the long term. 

Take things slowly

Building new habits, unfortunately, takes time. When you work on changing your habits slowly, you not only have more chances for success, but you also build confidence and allow your brain to master this new skill. Our brains do a lot of work, and so when it can find a shortcut to take to send messages, it will use them. Your current habits are wired into these shortcuts, or neural pathways, and so your new habits will have to build their own pathway. This takes time and repetition. Once your brain learns this new shortcut, the habit will feel like it’s second nature. 

The same is true for goals. It’s exciting to set a new goal and to have something to work toward, but it’s important to make a plan for your goal so you don’t get overwhelmed and abandon it. Break goals down into small pieces that you can take action on and build off of, instead of trying to do everything at once. 

Adjust your expectations for yourself and practice self-compassion

You might notice that many of our blog posts suggest practicing self-compassion. We repeat it all of the time because most of us are suffering from a serious lack of self-compassion and it doesn’t need to be that way. Learning how to be kind to yourself and have your own back, no matter what is going on is a life changing skill. 

Most of us are mean to ourselves automatically, without even realizing it. Negative self-talk can be really surprising when you learn how to notice it, because it might not even have occurred to you that you feel that way about yourself. When you notice what automatic thoughts come up about yourself, try to respond to them with compassion rather than with judgment.

It takes time, but you can get in the habit of interrupting those negative thoughts when they come up. When you know that no matter what happens, you have your own back and you will be kind to yourself, things feel a lot less scary. 

Are you feeling overwhelmed with 2023 only a few days away? This time of year is tricky for almost everyone, so remember that there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

If you want some extra support during this time, working with a therapist can help you get clear on your goals and values and how best to get started. Give our office a call today to get more information or to schedule an appointment. 

Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

Happy December!

We’re now into the last month of 2021, can you believe it? And this month brings many opportunities for celebrations with it. From belated “friendsgiving” parties, various religious holiday celebrations, and New Year’s get-togethers, there is a lot of space for joy at the end of the year. But there’s also a lot of pressure and stress associated with this season! And one thing that people really struggle with is maintaining peace with their body and how it might change this season. 

Just like the world around us, we (and our bodies) go through seasons. 

Sometimes we’re active and energetic, sometimes we’re developing new skills and growing, and sometimes we’re finding ways to provide rest and rejuvenation to ourselves. 

In winter, with the cold weather and darker days, our bodies naturally produce more melatonin, and use up lots of energy staying warm. When that happens, we feel more tired, depleted, and basically like we want to stay cozied up in bed until springtime comes. (This is also what contributes to seasonal affective disorder.)

On top of this, usually in winter the weather is worse. It’s cold and unpredictable and harder to physically be out in. So we’re not walking to places we might walk to in better weather, outdoor hobbies like hiking or kayaking or various sports are on hold until spring. All of this adds up to us being naturally a little more sedentary in the winter. And that’s not a bad thing! 

Just like trees lose their leaves and pause their growth to preserve energy in the winter, we need periods of rest too. 

We don’t consider the tree lazy for falling asleep until spring, so why would our increased need for rest be a bad thing?

There are also social impacts to our bodies this season. While our energy and movement is lower than the rest of the year, it’s also a season of lots and lots of celebrations. And these celebrations are often heavily food-centered. Getting together for big meals, cookie exchanges, etc.–it’s hard to avoid food based parties this time of year. And, we also look forward to a lot of this food all year long! Of course we want to enjoy it. 

So if we’re needing to be more restful while also having more opportunities to enjoy food with loved ones, then naturally weight gain will be a common change we can see in our bodies this time of year. But, while all of these things may make sense, if you struggle with your body image, it can be an emotionally difficult time of year. If you find your relationship with your body image straining this time of year, here are four things to remind yourself of this season: 

Weight changes are morally neutral:

There are many things that contribute to changes in weight (both gain & loss) that have nothing to do with “calories in, calories out.” Things like your genetics, your environment, your socioeconomic status, sudden health or financial challenges, and your mental health. In fact weight changes happen to all of us all of the time. Most people do not stay at one weight the majority of their adult lives–as our circumstances change, so do our bodies. Weight changes don’t reflect any sort of moral failing or lack of self-discipline, they simply reflect a period of change. 

Food is not good or bad:

When people say food is “good” or “bad” usually what they mean is “healthy” or “unhealthy.” However, even this distinction is unhelpful and unintentionally harmful. We need some foods because they nourish our physical health and we need other foods because they nourish our emotional health. So much tradition and community and closeness can be passed down through food: the prepping of it and the cooking of it and the sharing of it. Those foods might not necessarily be “healthy” in the sense that they aren’t nutrient dense but they are healthy in the sense that they are something to enjoy and savor with loved ones, which nurtures our mental and emotional health. Instead of seeing food as “good” or “bad” foods, try to reframe these labels. Don’t ask if it’s good or bad or healthy or unhealthy, but if it’s physically nourishing or emotionally nourishing. 

There’s a motive to the messaging:

The fitness and diet culture industries are in full swing this time of year, knowing that we’ll be surrounded by opportunities to be cozy with full stomachs, happy & content with loved ones.  You’ll likely start to see messages about restricting your calorie intake or using the new year to shed the weight of any “guilty pleasure” foods you “indulged” in over the holiday. These messages might be framed as being for your health, but health is never so black and white. Instead, it’s a message intended to make you feel guilty about things completely natural to humans (enjoying food and living in a body that changes) so that they can make money selling you a “solution” to these “problems.” If it truly was about your health it would be individual, personalized care. No stranger on the internet or at a gym knows anything about your health or what influences it! 

You’re allowed to set boundaries:

Diet culture is so permeated in our culture, it’s hard to avoid it, especially diet talk. It’s so common, many people don’t even realize they’re doing it! Like your aunt who takes a cookie and talks about how she’s “naughty” for eating something she “shouldn’t.” These kinds of comments are so common, half the time we don’t even clock them as part of diet culture. But when you’re working on making and keeping peace with your body, these comments can be harmful and grating! It can be helpful to have a few phrases that politely but directly shut down that sort of talk around you like:

• “Let’s not talk about calories and just enjoy our time together.”

• “My body will tell me when I’m full, I don’t need to restrict myself.” 

• “We’ve all worked so hard on the food we brought to share, let’s not refer to it as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’”

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help.