6 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Infertility

Infertility is a painful thing. And unfortunately–even though infertility affects about ten percent of women in America–talking about it still seems to be taboo or unwelcome–which means that we were probably never taught how to support someone in that situation. 

We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support. 

Just like with any painful loss or emotional trauma, there are things we won’t want to talk about or won’t feel comfortable sharing. And while you may mean well when asking them or your intention may be to give a supportive comment or encouragement–your statements might not be as helpful as you think. It might actually just add stress or distress to your loved ones experience, and possibly make them feel more alone. 

Below are 6 things to avoid saying to someone struggling with infertility: 

“Everything happens for a reason” or “It will happen if it’s meant to”

While these seem like positive, happy alternatives to the painful reality of infertility, they are actually diminishing how hard this is for your loved one. Someone who wants their family to grow and wants to be pregnant–and who is experiencing very real grief over not being able to do those things–does not want to hear that their suffering was fated or for a higher purpose. They want their pain to be seen and validated, not ignored. 

“Have you tried X,Y,Z?”

Chances are: yes they have tried. More importantly, it’s not really your business what they have tried! Trust that they have consulted a doctor and gone over their options. And remember that even if there are other options left, they are still grieving a loss right now. They may eventually be ready to try something else, but they also might be depleted and weary from continually trying to get pregnant and not being able to (or not being able to stay pregnant). 

“This happened to my other friend, and it worked out fine for them!”

There might be a time when your friend is ready to hear about success stories from someone else, but right in the midst of them dealing with their own loss is not the time–even if it’s a story intended to give them hope. They may have already tried what worked for your other friend, or what worked for your other friend might not work for them. It’s best to trust that they know their options best, and just be with them as they grieve instead of trying to solve the problem for them. 

“Why don’t you just try adoption?”

Again, this one implies that they did not consider all of their options. And it implies that the existence of other methods of growing a family negate or invalidate their pain. Neither of these things are true! And, of course, adoption is not a simple thing. It’s a complicated process that needs careful attention and consideration. It’s not just something you decide to try on a whim! There is also a lot of pain in discovering your body is not capable of doing something you have wanted your whole life–and that (rather than the inability to have a child) could be where the grief of infertility is stemming from–and adoption doesn’t fix that. 

“You’re lucky not to have kids! All of your time can be spent on you!” 

People struggling with infertility don’t want a child because they think it will be easy. They want a child because they want their family to grow, they want to nurture and love and care for someone new. While being able to dictate exactly how you spend your time and money without having to worry about kids to raise might seem nice to stressed parents at the moment, but it’s not helpful to someone who desperately wants a family and is unable to make it happen. 

“You’re probably too stressed, that’s why you’re having problems.” 

It’s actually not true that being stressed before fertility treatments lowers their chances of success. This is one of those things that makes sense in our heads (of course if our bodies are too stressed, they won’t work properly) but in this case, there is not enough evidence to truly support a connection. Not to mention, saying the words “you need to relax!” has never helped anyone’s stress levels. Instead, maybe ask your friend or loved one if there’s anything you can do to help their current stress. Can you make them dinner so they don’t have to worry about it? Run to the grocery store for them? If you’re worried about them being stressed, instead of making a comment about it, offer to lift some stress off of their shoulders. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

4 Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Infertility

Sometimes, someone we love is going through something we have no experience with, but we still want to support them. That’s part of having relationships with people, romantic or otherwise - they’re built on care and mutual support. That’s why it’s so frustrating when someone is experiencing something that we can’t really help with, like losing a loved one, the end of a partnership, or even struggling with infertility. 

We still have a lot of cultural taboos in the United States, and talking about mental health, especially when it comes to the mental health of folks who can get pregnant, is difficult for many. Part of why it’s so hard to talk about pregnancy loss and infertility is because it’s still dismissed and not talked about openly.  We also tend to think that carrying a child to term is an easy, commonplace thing, but for some people, it just isn’t possible. As a society, however, we usually expect folks struggling with infertility to keep it to themselves. If someone you know has confided in you about infertility, that is a very big deal - that means they trust you enough to react appropriately and support them. 

The reasons that people experience infertility aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the person is struggling to conceive. 

It’s natural to want to support the people you care about, so if you know someone who is struggling with infertility, you’re probably looking for a way to genuinely help. Here are some ways to support someone experiencing infertility: 

Practice holding space

A lot of times our instinct is to help and protect the people we love, especially when they’re hurting. However, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold space for the emotions they’re going through. “Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings instead of focusing on your own. 

Don’t ask, “Have you tried x?”

They have probably been working closely with their physician to figure this out - while asking “Have you tried X?” might seem helpful, it’s just unnecessary. Assume that they know their body and their medical history better than you. We often feel the need to throw out solutions when someone is in pain, but that probably won’t make the person feel better, only ourselves. 

Watch what you say in general

Feeling like they can’t talk about their experience with infertility can make the experience even more lonely. Some common responses to hearing about infertility are, “You can always try again,” "Whose fault is it?", "What's wrong with you?" “How are you paying for all that?" “Have you considered adoption?” “Maybe it’s not meant to be.” Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. Instead of saying something just to say something, think carefully about how your words will be interpreted. 

Limit the baby talk

If you have kids or are expecting a child, it’s natural to want to talk about it. However, there are probably plenty of folks in your life who can handle these conversations - don’t push them on a friend who is dealing with infertility. Know that your friend probably doesn’t really resent you for your family, but it’s tough to talk about all the same. Try to be as kind and understanding as possible, and don’t take it personally if the other person needs some space from baby and pregnancy talk. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some.