Spending Time with Your Inner Child this Autumn

What’s your inner child?

Your inner child is all of the younger versions of yourself that still live inside of your mind. Imagine yourself like a tree–as the tree grows, it creates rings on the inside of it, marking how many growth cycles it’s been through. Your inner child is like that, the rings of your growth. You don’t abandon each version of yourself as you get older, you simply build upon it. 

Their hopes, their needs, their dreams, their fears, and their wounds all live within you, making you responsible for them. We call this sort of responsibility the reparenting of your inner child because it allows for you, now grown, to provide the care and support your younger self needed to that younger version of you inside of yourself. You are parent and child at once. 

Why is connecting to them important?

Taking time to connect with your inner child allows you to tap into those needs and fears and wounds. Wounds left untended from our childhood don’t just go away, they seep into our adult lives & relationships. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re trying to tend to those wounds through our behaviors! That’s why taking intentional time to get to know your inner child, and explore where they might be hurting is so important. 

What does it mean to care for your inner child?

Taking time to care for your inner child is about taking intentional time with yourself. Notice your emotional reactions to things, and make an effort to investigate where those instincts come from. Often at the root of an emotional reaction is a childhood wound–one we may or may not be aware of. And remember as you take this time: what you find may seem insignificant to an adult but can be a major moment for a child. When we’re children, experiences are all new. That means we’re not able to apply the logic of context to a situation, and may draw the wrong conclusions. Be kind to your inner child and remember that their feelings are real and huge to them. It’s not your job to logic those feelings away, but to offer a safe space to name them, sit with them, and explore what those feelings say about your emotional needs. 

Use the changing of the seasons as an excuse to make plans with your inner child. 

As the weather cools, it’s finally starting to feel like autumn! There are many ways you can connect to your inner child throughout the year, but why not have a little seasonal fun with it? Here are just a few ideas on how you can use the changing of the seasons as an opportunity to connect with your inner child: 

Visit a corn maze: 

This is both a fun group activity (get all your friend’s inner children to come along to!) or an opportunity for some one on one, mindful time with your inner child. Walk through the maze as they would, what choices would they make? How would they have fun? Indulge their playful spirit! 

Pick out & decorate pumpkins:

Getting creative with your inner child is a great way to allow them to express themselves, and seasonal decorating is just one way to do it! You can let them get their hands messy and carve a pumpkin, or you could keep it whole and have some fun painting it. Let your inner child guide the creative process, and see what they come up with! 

Make your own Halloween costume: 

Just one more creative way to connect to your inner child’s playfulness and creativity. Who would your inner child want to be for Halloween? Did they have a hero or a favorite character? How would they like to dress up as them? Would they have fun piecing the costume together, DIY style? 

Go apple picking: 

Spending time in nature is great both for you and your inner child! Go for an autumn hike or go to an apple orchard to spend an afternoon walking around, smelling the crisp air, stepping on crunchy leaves, and picking delicious apples to bring home with you. Maybe you and your inner child can bake them into an apple pie for a sweet treat later! 

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

What Internalized Messages Do Your Still Believe About Yourself?

What’s an internalized message?

An internalized message is something we believe, unconsciously about ourselves. These messages and beliefs don’t come from within ourselves–while they may feel like undeniable qualities about ourselves, these internalized messages actually came from outside influences. They are the result of how we, as children, are able to interpret and understand the world around us, and the way we’re expected to behave in relationships. 

These messages then become core parts of our self view, how we’re unconsciously able to connect with and relate to others, how we navigate social situations and relationships, etc. These messages, when they aren’t explored and questioned, can muddle our true beliefs about ourselves, and lead us to believe we are less lovable,safe, and valued than we really are.  

So where do these internalized messages come from?

The internalized messages we have ourselves come from the foundational relationships in our lives.These would be our parents, guardians, other family members, early childhood friends, authority figures (teachees, church leaders,) etc. 

As we grow older and can understand our own and others complexities, we can start to see that while these messages came from influential people in your life, they are not always trying to communicate the message you’re understanding. What may be a normal exchange for an adult can be a foundational building block for a child. If your needs were neglected by your parents–even without malicious intent, but perhaps because of less fortunate circumstances–there’s a part of your brain as a child that takes that information and tries to understand it with what it knows. So it’s entirely possible that those negative beliefs you have about yourself are coming from that inner part of yourself that is still a child, asking for their needs to be met. 

For example: take this story, where a man internalized a fear of abandonment after his family took in a series of rescue dogs until they found “the one” that was right for their family. This series of events–while not intentionally–taught that young boy that it wasn’t safe to make quick connections with others or try to bond with them before they proved they would stick around. This of course wasn’t the family’s intention, and there were probably many factors that went into the constant shifting of the family-pet dynamic, but it’s a belief that boy learned and carried with him into adulthood because it was how he was able to understand and get through the circumstances he found himself in. 

What are common internalized messages we have about ourselves?

Unfortunately, when we internalize these messages about ourselves, we often fixate on negative messages. Things like: 

• Everyone is going to leave me

• I need to constantly prove my value so people will want to keep me around

• If I say the wrong thing, someone may stop loving me

• My body deserves to be punished/I should feel shame for my body 

• People will only love me if I can do something for them

So how can we begin to question/challenge those internalized messages?

The first step is recognition. What is it you’re believing about yourself right now? Can you identify what the message is?

From there, what is it about this moment that is making that message come up for you? Is there any evidence to support that the thought is true? (Ex. Is it really true that if you say the wrong thing, someone will stop loving you? Has the person you’re nervous about talking to given you any indication that this is true? Or is this a fear coming from somewhere else? 

If it’s coming from somewhere else, can you identify where that place is? Think on the feeling, what memories come up with it? Does the feeling you’re having right now remind you of a moment in your childhood? When is the first time you remember having this feeling?

The next step is to take that information and use it to challenge that feeling or belief or message whenever it comes up. Ask yourself: 

• Is there any information at this moment to support this negative belief I’m having about myself?

• Or is there a moment from my youth that made a “wound” that is being re-opened in this moment? 

It can be helpful to have a regular reflection process for moments like this, so you get into the habit of questioning those negative beliefs when they pop up.

Below are 8 journal prompts to help you explore and challenge the internalized messages you still have about yourself: 

1. What beliefs do I have about myself?

2. For each of those, what is the earliest memory of that belief? 

3. What feeling did it bring up as a child? How have those feelings translated into my adulthood?

4. What about this moment is pulling up that belief?

5. When is the first time I felt like this?

6. What did I need in that moment that I didn’t get?

7. Is there any evidence that my needs will be ignored or overlooked now?

8. Is there any evidence that this negative belief I have about myself is true in this new situation? 

If you’re looking for support as you work on challenging those negative internalized beliefs, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

Does the new year get you in the mood to make some changes? The idea of a fresh start is enticing, and the end of the year can be the perfect time to evaluate what’s working for you in your life and what you want to change in the year to come. Of course, not everyone likes making big changes at the new year (or sometimes people feel pressured to change by advertising and social media), so the idea of making a change now doesn’t sit right with everyone. If that’s the case, feel free to read over these suggestions and save them for a time when you are making a change. 

One impactful way to make a change is to reconsider and upgrade your self-care routine. The last two years have thrown a lot at us, and in turn it’s helpful to amp up the way we care for ourselves in these difficult times. 

Upgrading your self care routine can be as quick as putting reminders in your calendar to pick up your prescriptions or scheduling an appointment with a therapist. It can also mean reconsidering how you currently take care of yourself and letting go of practices that no longer serve you. 

Everyone is different, so everyone’s self-care practices and preferences will look different. It’s easy to get into the comparison game these days with everyone else’s highlight reel literally a click away, but try to focus on what you’re doing for you, not on what everyone else is doing. Even if someone’s life seems perfect, they undoubtedly have some stuff they’re dealing with behind the scenes. Your self-care routine should give you space to rest, relax, and rejuvenate, as well as feel creatively and emotionally fulfilled. 

As it happens, we have a ton of ideas for how to upgrade your self-care routine in the new year. Each suggestion leads to a more in-depth post on the topic so you can dive deep if you want to. Here they are:

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.). It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationships.

Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present.”

Work on Being Nicer to Yourself

“Self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. 

There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option.”

Get to Know Yourself Better

“Do you have to get to know yourself? It’s not required, but understanding yourself on a deeper level can increase your overall happiness, reduce the sense of inner conflict you feel, and help you feel more empowered. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you can make. 

You know what your boundaries are and what your needs are. You’ll be able to resist peer pressure or comparing yourself to others, because you’re confident that the path you’re on is right for you (and if you’re not on the right path, you’ll have a map to it when you understand yourself on a deeper level). Not only will it be easier to make decisions and exercise self-control when you get to know yourself better, but you’ll also feel more understanding toward others.”

Dedicate Time to Being Creative Regularly

“Creativity in any form helps us to express our feelings. Whether that’s through writing, singing, dancing, painting, sculpting, etc., creativity gives us an outlet to be freely vulnerable and authentic. 

Through art, music, movement, or other forms of expression we can start to unpack and understand our feelings, and what those feelings are telling us about ourselves, our needs, and our desires.”

Start Using Affirmations

“Research shows that using affirmations can essentially reprogram your mind. Instead of sticking with your old patterns of negative thinking and self-talk, affirmations teach your brain to make new connections. Getting into the habit of using affirmations can also help you get more familiar with the patterns in your day to day thoughts. When you notice what’s going on, you can do something to change it. 

Another great thing about affirmations is that you get to choose them. There are so many things about life that we can’t control and can’t change. One thing we can control is how we think. If you find negative thoughts and assumptions creeping in, you can choose to engage with them or not. You can decide to think about positive things to try to shift that negativity.”

Reparent Your Inner Child

“If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds.”

Tap Into Your Intuition

“Past experiences are all stored in our brains, and while we may not be actively thinking about them, our brain can access them when it needs to. It uses those past experiences and cues from our environment and our sense of self and all comes together to give us those gut feelings we call intuition. 

Your body and your brain can interpret your environment faster than you can, so when you get a “bad feeling” it doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or being “crazy”–it means that there is something there, some element of your environment that triggered that knowledge in the back recesses of your brain before you could piece it together yourself.”

Explore Spirituality

“At its core, spirituality is about connecting with your world. It’s about finding your values, and finding ways to live your life with them in mind. It’s about finding your purpose, your connection to others, your connection to the world around you. Spirituality, whatever form it shows up in, is how we make sense of the time we’re given in this world.

Spiritual wellness just means that you are asking yourself the question “What does it mean for me to be spiritually fulfilled?” and then doing your best to incorporate practices that help you achieve that fulfilment.”

What are you looking forward to in 2022? If you’re looking for more support as you shift your routines in the new year, talking with a therapist can help.

Who Can Benefit from Inner Child Work?

What is your inner child?

We’ve talked about it a bit before. If you don’t know, here’s how we’ve described it in the past: 

“Your inner child is exactly what it sounds like: it is you, the younger version of you, still inside of your mind. Imagine that as you grow, you are not outgrowing past versions of yourself, but rather growing around them. So they are still there, inside of you.” 

So, essentially, you are every age you’ve ever been, all at once! While that may seem obvious, it often gets overlooked even as we develop our own self care routines. While we may be caring for our present, adult selves, we don’t necessarily think to care for the child version of ourselves that lives within our current self. 

That work or caring for the childhood version of yourself is called inner child work. 

Oftentimes inner child work is talked about through the lens of healing childhood trauma–wounds we have obtained in childhood often go unhealed into adulthood. And those untended wounds can impact our mental and emotional health, our relationships, etc. 

Inner child work involves getting in touch with your inner child's desires, needs and wounds, and finding ways to reparent yourself in order to meet those needs and heal those wounds. This is also something we’ve touched on before. If you need a refresher as to what it means to reparent your inner child, here is a quick recap: 

If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself.  You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

What if I don’t hate my family?

Inner child work can be painful, and often brings up very complicated feelings about your family, as it is about getting in touch with your own unmet needs. But inner child work isn’t just for people who hate their families or don’t want relationships with them. (In fact inner child work can often help to heal those tumultuous relationships, and allow for deeper intimacy). 

So inner child work isn’t about blaming or hating your family. It’s about identifying needs you had that weren’t met and wounds you suffered that have yet to heal. It’s about you finding the spots where you need extra care and giving it to yourself, not about condemning the relationships you have in your life.

People who have both positive and negative relationships with their families can engage in inner child work! Inner child work is about empowering yourself to act as your own parent, and give yourself permission to meet all of your needs. This is something that can be done on your own, or with external support from your family–because it’s not about fixing them. It’s about recignizing the ways in which you can move forward, and serve yourself. 

How do you know if your inner child needs support?

It probably does! Most of us have unhealed wounds from childhood. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve suffered a trauma that you haven’t processed yet–but plenty of small things stick with us when we’re children and into adulthood. You might be surprised to learn that there are wounds you’ve been ignoring. 

And even if you don’t have wounds that need healing, it can be an act of self care to tap into your inner child and play with them! Adults benefit from playtime too!  Inner child work can help you tap into that sense of playfulness you might not engage with as frequently as an adult. 

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your inner child, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Contact us today!

3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You

What is an inner child?

Have you heard the phrase inner child before? Do you know what it is? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like! It’s the childhood versions of yourself that you carry with you now. Think about it: as you age you don’t lose those past selves. When you turn eleven, your ten year old self doesn’t stop existing. She’s just now tucked away in the heart of your eleven year old self! 

But what does that really mean?

It means that while yes, we may be adults now, sometimes it is not our adult self reacting to what’s happening to us, but the hurt child inside of us. When you feel like you’re “overreacting” or “being crazy” what’s most likely happening is that an old wound from childhood, which never really healed, was activated again. And while your adult self may know logically, you are going to be okay and you don’t need to “freak out” that freak out you’re feeling is your inner child trying to get your attention. They’re shouting “hey! Something’s wrong! Help me!” 

Now, this doesn’t mean that every time you’re upset you should think “this is no big deal it’s just the little kid in me freaking out.” In fact the opposite! Minimizing it as just a childlike meltdown won’t help you–it will just brush the problem aside until it comes up again. And it will come up again until the wound is tended to, as you’ve already seen! 

Instead, imagine you are standing next to your inner child.

Picture your younger self, at eight years old, at ten, at twelve, etc. Whatever age it is that needs your attention. Think about the hurt they are feeling. Maybe even imagine you’re asking them. Ask them, “what’s wrong? What are you feeling?” 

You can have this conversation out loud yourself, or in your head, or in a journal if you find that’s helpful. The most important thing in the process is to show your inner child the kindness and patience you may not have gotten.

If you don’t know where to start, here are 3 things inner child needs to hear from you to facilitate that healing: 

I’m glad you’re here.

If you’re carrying around unhealed wounds from childhood, it’s likely you weren’t made to feel safe enough to ask for help. You might have been made to feel like a burden, which may have made it hard or even impossible for you to call attention to yourself when you needed an adult to step up and help you. That inner child inside you–even if they are just “talking” to you–may still have this fear. Welcome them, tell them you’re glad they are there–and you’re glad they shouted loud enough for you to hear them. You are happy to see them, and you want to help. 

It’s not fair that you feel this way. Or: It’s not fair that that happened to you. 

While you can make space to listen to your inner child, you can’t go back in time and fix whatever hurt them. This can feel painful to realize–for your adult self and your inner child. You can't fix the hurt! That’s natural. But sometimes all we can do, even for ourselves is to acknowledge the hurt.  You know as an adult that the way you were treated as a child wasn’t right, but that child in you still doesn’t know. They still think it’s how they deserve to be treated, or that it’s their fault. Letting them know it’s not your fault and it’s not fair can be an incredibly powerful way to start that healing. 

I’m proud of you for surviving. 

Many of us develop habits in childhood that help us survive our environments–both physically and emotionally. However, some of these habits can be things like protecting your feelings, avoiding vulnerability, trying to predict others feelings or actions, etc. All of these things can help protect a child in an emotionally volatile environment where they are punished for needing support. But as we age, those tools no longer serve us, and what was crucial for survival once now can get in the way of growth and happiness. Instead of resenting the child in you for developing these habits, let them know you’re proud of them for doing what they needed to do to survive. Let them know you understand their hesitation, but that it’s safe now and you’re there to help them drop those habits as they heal. 

Talking to your inner child isn’t the only way to work on healing! You can take some time to think about things you liked as a child, what brought you joy and made you feel safe, and incorporate those into your life now to show that inner child they are welcome and safe. You can choose to do things that seem silly because you know they will help feed that inner child. Go rollerskating, paint with your fingers, make some playdough! Your inner child will thank you.  

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

Learning to Reparent Your Inner Child

What is your inner child?

Have you heard the term “inner child” before? Your inner child is exactly what it sounds like: it is you, the younger version of you, still inside of your mind. Imagine that as you grow, you are not outgrowing past versions of yourself, but rather growing around them. So they are still there, inside of you. 

And that means that their dreams, their needs, their fears, are also still inside you. If your needs were neglected as a child, there is still a version of you inside of who you are today, hurting from that neglect. 

The key to healing that hurt is to tap into your inner child. Become aware of that vulnerable version of yourself, learn about their hopes and dreams and fears. And then, to heal those neglected wounds, act as both child and parent within yourself. This is called reparenting your inner child.

What does it mean to reparent your inner child?

Reparenting your inner child, as we said above, is about healing past wounds that still exist within you. When your inner child feels safe and loved and listened to, you help to rewrite your own makeup. 

If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. 

You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds. 

How can you take care of your inner child?

So how do you start going about inner child work? Inner child work is a long process that involves you taking intentional time to get to know yourself, examine your emotional reactions to things, and really investigate where those instincts come from. Talk therapy is one of the best ways to do this, but there are things you can do on your own to get started or to continue work done in sessions. 

These things can include: 

• Journaling: try writing a journal entry from the perspective of your inner child; write a letter from yourself to your inner child; write after a high emotion incident, and try to explore where your feelings came from; write about something that happened recently that reminded you of a time when you were a child, etc. 

• Talking it out: ask your friends if they ever feel like they are back as the childlike version of themselves, see what experiences you have in common

• Giving into playful urges: there is a pressure to be serious and mature all of the time, but if your desires as a child were neglected, giving yourself the experiences you desired as a child but weren’t allowed can be incredibly healing

• Keep a log: when you notice your inner child coming out, if you don’t want to sit down and journal or talk it out every time, just make a quick note on how they’re showing up. Then, you can look back on all the times you’ve noticed and see what they have in common, what desire or need or fear they are expressing to you.

If you need more ideas for how to go about tuning into and reparenting your inner child, or have questions about how it could help,  our clinicians can help you.