4 Ways to Cope with Being Disliked

4 Ways to Cope with Being Disliked

Whether we like it or not, it’s impossible to be liked by everyone. People are too different for everyone to get along all the time, so at some point we are all going to have to deal with being disliked.

One thing we don’t talk a lot about as a culture is being okay with being disliked. It often feels painful or shocking to realize that someone doesn’t like you, mostly because the default expectation is that people will like us. When you know that someone doesn’t like you, it can be confusing to deal with them in a way that doesn’t leave you frustrated or questioning your self worth. 

There are lots of reasons why people dislike other people.

There are some sources of dislike, like racism or homophobia, that are never excusable. You don’t have to try to convince yourself that it’s okay or reasonable for someone to dislike you because of who you are as a person.  The kind of dislike that we’re talking about in this post is the kind that we all feel from time to time. 

There are some people who you just won’t get along with. You might dislike someone because your personalities don’t mesh well together, or because they were a jerk to you the last time you saw them. There are lots of reasons why people sometimes don’t get along, and learning how to deal with the discomfort that comes with that can help you in uncomfortable situations in the future. 

Here’s the thing: no one on earth is liked by everyone. 

It’s impossible! We all bring our own baggage to our interactions, and that is bound to cause tension or clashes at some point. It is possible to cope when someone dislikes you and learn how not to take it personally. 

Here are 4 suggestions for ways to deal with being disliked by others. See if any of these feel supportive for you!

Accept that no one is universally liked

Expecting to be liked by everyone you meet is really just setting yourself up to fail. In reality no one is universally liked, and the pain of trying to be liked by everyone and failing can take its toll on how you feel about yourself and how you interact with other people.

Sometimes people just don’t get along, and it’s okay to accept that. Acceptance can be freeing in many situations, especially when you’re working on being okay with being disliked. In this instance, accepting that not everyone will like you doesn’t mean that you approve of being disliked or that you agree with why someone dislikes you. It just means that you don’t have to focus any of your precious energy on fighting against reality. 

Pleasing everyone is simply out of your control. There’s always going to be someone who has a different opinion, so you might as well devote the time and energy you have to pleasing yourself, which you have more control over. 

Know that it’s probably not personal

It might feel really personal when someone doesn’t like you, but often it says more about them than it does about you. Sometimes it’s tough to remember that while you see things from your point of view, not everything is about you. People react in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with you but stem from their environment, their trauma history, their beliefs, their personality, and even from instinct. 

We often cast ourselves as the main character in our lives, because that’s how it feels! When we all feel that we’re the main character though, it can cause tension because we feel like everything has to be about us and relate to us in some way. That’s not always the case. Some things are simply not about you.  

It can be tricky to resist the urge to assume everything is about you when you’re thinking about how other people interact with you. It takes practice to remember that everyone is out there doing their own stuff for their own reasons, and it probably has nothing to do with you. In general it’s helpful to try to see things from another point of view, which is part of why working with a therapist can be so powerful. 

Ask yourself – Do you like everyone?

Being unliked by some people doesn’t make you unlikable as a whole. It’s tempting to be defensive when someone doesn’t like you, but remember that you don’t like everyone, either. There are always going to be people who you don’t see eye to eye with, who make you feel frustrated or angry, and who you don’t like to deal with. There are even times when you just strongly dislike someone and can’t put your finger on why. We’ve all been there!

Keep in mind that if everybody liked everybody, it wouldn’t be so special when we connect with someone we care about. Also if that were true, everyone would be the same, which would be boring. Just as you have preferences about people, people will have preferences about you. 

The next time you feel like someone dislikes you, remember that there are people you dislike too. We all do it, and it’s not always personal. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not like everyone, and it’s okay to be disliked. 

Remind yourself what makes you likable 

One reason it feels painful to have someone dislike you is because it can make you question whether you’re likable at all. It’s tempting to jump right to assuming that just because one person doesn’t like you, no one could possibly like you and there is nothing likable about you. 

Taking a pause before you jump to that conclusion can help you remember what is actually true. 

What do you like about yourself? What do other people like about you? Reminding yourself of the things that people do like about you can help you feel less insecure when someone doesn’t like you. Are there things that you are proud of or admire about yourself? Do people compliment you about things? Maybe keep a list of what you like about yourself on your phone or in your journal to refer back to in moments of doubt. 

You could even keep a file of things you like about yourself on your computer or other device to look at when you feel that you’re not likable. Save screenshots of nice messages from people you care about, pictures that make you feel good about yourself, and other things you’re proud of to remind yourself that you are likable, even if you’re not liked by this one person. 

It’s not easy to deal with being disliked, and it can bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work through uncomfortable or painful emotions, a therapist can give you a safe space to explore and build new coping skills. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment. 

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

How do you feel about forgiveness? We’ve all been hurt by someone. People are all different, and so what is hurtful to them will also differ from person to person. We tend to see forgiveness as a one-off event, but it’s actually a process that can bring up complex emotions. 

What forgiveness is 

Forgiveness might mean different things to different people, but in general it is “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it”, according to UC Berkeley. 

Being upset and hurt isn’t a great feeling. One way that some people relieve those feelings is to practice forgiveness. The act of forgiving someone who hurt you may come with benefits. Some people who practice forgiveness find that it helps to lower feelings of anxiety and hostility, healthier relationships, and improved self-esteem. Certain folks may find that forgiving is helpful to their healing, and others might find that it doesn’t make much of a difference. 

When you’re upset, it’s tempting to ruminate on the negative feelings like anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness. Some people find that the process of forgiveness can help relieve those negative feelings and allow you to focus on more positive things. 

Forgiveness is a process

It’s unlikely that you’ll go from being resentful toward someone to forgiving them all at once. Part of forgiveness is working through the feelings of hurt and resentment that you feel, and that takes time. You may find that things you thought you had moved past still cause distress for you, and the process may seem to go backwards. If that happens, there’s nothing wrong with you. Forgiveness takes time and work and you don’t have to go any faster than you’re ready for. 

Forgiveness is hard

Forgiveness is an emotionally charged concept. We have a lot of preconceived notions about what forgiveness is, but these aren’t always true. It can bring up some uncomfortable feelings or memories, and it may make you feel anxious or depressed when you think about it. It may be helpful to journal about what forgiveness brings up for you so you can start to make sense of patterns and beliefs, and get more familiar with the messages your emotions are sending to you. 

Forgiveness is personal

Forgiving someone is a personal choice that you make yourself. Sometimes, other people may pressure you to forgive someone, but that is not their choice to make. Forgiving someone for hurting you involves a lot of tricky, emotional work, and only the person doing that work can make that choice. 

Forgiveness is for you, not them 

Forgiveness is about the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. Forgiveness can be an opportunity to release the hurt you’ve been carrying and move forward. It’s hard to be in pain. It’s uncomfortable, and feeling consumed with negative thoughts and feelings is tiring. Forgiving others can be a chance to move past the hurt and toward a sense of peace. 

What forgiveness isn’t

Forgiveness is a lot of things, but it’s also important to remember what it is not. Here are some things to keep in mind about forgiving: 

Forgiveness is not forgetting 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened. When you forgive someone, you are choosing to release your feelings of hurt or resentment, but that doesn’t have to wipe your memory clean. It’s okay to remember that you were hurt, and keep it in mind when interacting with this person. Remember, forgiving just means that you release your feelings of resentment - not that you pretend it never happened. 

Forgiveness is not approval

Similarly, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. Approval has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can forgive someone and know that what they did was not okay. You may be able to have empathy for where they were coming from, or understand that everyone makes mistakes, but you don’t have to approve of what happened. 

Forgiveness is not trust

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to trust them again. Trust is something that is built and maintained between two people. It’s certainly possible to rebuild trust with someone, but both parties need to be on board. It’s okay to choose not to trust someone who has harmed you. It’s okay to wait until they’ve shown you they’ve changed or that they are committed to rebuilding your relationship before you even put trust on the table. Take it at your pace.

Forgiveness is not passive

Forgiveness takes work. Some hurts heal with time, but most of the time, we have to work through them. Forgiveness requires us to honestly reflect on the ways in which we were harmed, and that can be difficult or even traumatic. If you find that you’re having a hard time with the idea of forgiveness, you may find that talking about it with a therapist can help give you new perspective. Therapy is a safe place to explore the ins and outs of what happened, how it affected you, how the other person has tried to repair things, and where to go next.

Forgiveness is not required

It’s also important to note that forgiveness is not required. It’s helpful to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t so that you can make an informed decision about whether forgiveness is the right choice for you. You are under no obligation to forgive someone who harmed you, even if people tell you otherwise. Forgiving someone doesn’t make you a better person or magically heal you. It can make you feel less resentful and give you some closure, but that’s not the case for everyone. 

A therapist can help you decide if forgiveness is right for you and your situation and help you process your feelings about this process. If you’re interested in talking to someone, contact us today. 

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Breaking up is hard. When we think of breakups, we often think of the end of a romantic relationship, but any kind of relationship can end. Ending friendships, or friend breakups, is especially hard, no matter which side of the breakup you’re on. Some people feel that breaking up with a close friend is actually worse than breaking up with a romantic partner. Either way, a breakup is a breakup, and it’s normal to feel pain and confusion after a relationship of any kind ends. The end of a friendship means the end of an era- no more trust, no more intimacy, no more fun. Coming to terms with this change can be really difficult. 

We have a lot of cultural messages telling us that friendship is supposed to be for life (“Best friends forever!”), so it can be a great source of shame to lose a friendship. Losing friends is also tough because it can majorly change your support network. When a romantic relationship ends, we usually count on the support and encouragement of our loved ones, like our friends and family. After a friend breakup, turning to that friend is no longer an option, which can be really hard to grapple with.

Why do friendships end? 

Friendships are like any kind of relationship - they are all unique. Some are situational, like when you work with someone. If you’ve ever left a job, you know that sometimes you don’t stay as close to your former coworkers as you did when you worked together. Some friendships come from being in the same school or town, and once one of you is no longer local the friendship fizzles. Some friendships fade away and some end with a disagreement or conflict. No matter how your friendship ended, it’s hard. Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. 

If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.

Here are some of our top tips for dealing with a friend breakup:

Update your social media settings

If you’ve gone through a friend breakup, you might even find it hard to deal with years after the fact. Friends are such an integral part of our lives that it can be tough to remove someone completely. You might still see old pictures of them around, you might be reminded of a trip you took or an inside joke you used to have with them. Social media websites might constantly bombard you with memories of years past, which can be really heartbreaking post-friend breakup. You can turn off that feature on many social sites, so if you’re in the midst of a friend breakup you might want to protect yourself that way. You can always revisit it once the pain isn’t as fresh. 

Focus on what you learned in the relationship 

Every relationship teaches us something. Some relationships teach us how to communicate, how to value ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to love someone, and some even teach us how relationships end. This might be hard at first, but focus on the good parts of what you learned from each other. Relationships aren’t failures because they end. All relationships end at some point, and it’s okay. Learning how to process and move forward from the end of a relationship is an important skill. 

Talk about it

One of the reasons why losing a friend is so hard is because there’s a sense of shame associated with it. When your BFF is no longer your forever friend, you might feel unworthy, rejected, or confused. This is because so many people keep their friendship breakups to themselves. It’s okay to talk about it and explore your feelings with the rest of your support network. Talking about it with a therapist can help you make sense of your emotions. When more people talk about the struggles they have with something, it can help us all feel less alone. 

Forgive yourself

In the aftermath of this relationship ending, you might be searching for reasons why. You might be blaming yourself for the things you did or didn’t do. You might be wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s okay to acknowledge that you played a role in the friendship ending. However, you don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. You’re a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re also allowed to forgive yourself for those mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are going to do it again or that you haven’t learned. Forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself so you don’t feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong between you. Acknowledge what happened, admit you did the best you could at the time, and tell yourself “I forgive you.” 

Losing a friend so hard. If you’re dealing with the loss of a friendship that was important to you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you and you will get through this. Talking about it in therapy can help you come to terms with the loss and cope with your reaction in a more personalized way.

If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

Friendship is a special kind of relationship. Friendships often transcend romantic or familial relationships. Our friends may know the most intimate versions of ourselves, and that kind of intimacy is special. We often hear phrases like “friends forever!” and assume that it’s true- and for many friends, it is. However, lifelong friendships aren’t the only friendships that are worth having. Some friendships are based on proximity or common interests, and those things can change over time. It can be a source of great shame to have a string of former friendships in your past, but it’s actually very normal. There are all sorts of reasons that friendships end, but ending a friendship is a very hard choice to make. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to voice your needs and you’re allowed to draw your own boundaries. The most important thing is to continue treating people kindly and with respect. 

When we think about breakups, we tend to think of romantic relationships. However, you can break up with friends too. There are a lot more resources out there for dealing with the end of a romantic relationship than the end of a friendship, which can make it hard to cope in the aftermath. Some friendships end with a mutual decision, some end with a disagreement, and some just sort of fade out. Each type of ending can be painful in its own way, even if you’re the one who ended the friendship. 

Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. 

Here are a few reasons why you might consider ending a friendship: 

You feel worse after you spend time with them

How do you feel after you spend time with this friend? Do they leave you feeling rejuvenated and calm, or tense and upset? We all have bad days, but if this person regularly leaves you feeling hurt or disrespected, it might be time to have a serious conversation about how they treat you. You are allowed to have expectations for the way people treat you and if people can’t meet them, you don’t owe them a relationship.  

You no longer work together or live near one another

Many friendships are proximity-based. Think about friends from high school or college, or different jobs that you’ve had. After you leave that common space, you don’t always stay close. That doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t meaningful to you or important, it just means that when you no longer have things in common, the friendship might naturally fade. We all have different resources available to us, and you might not have the capacity to manage all of your friendships all of the time. It’s natural to sometimes let relationships go. 

They violated a boundary or your trust

If someone has violated your sense of trust, it can be hard to stay in friendship with them. Friendships are intimate relationships, which thrive off of trust. When that is broken, it can be difficult to stay close to one another unless you both commit to doing some serious communicating. That might not be what you want to do, and that’s okay. Trust is a basic tenent of many relationships, and its okay to end a friendship when you no longer feel that trust. 

You feel taken advantage of

Do you contribute equally to the relationship, or is your friend always asking you for favors but never reciprocating? All relationships have some give and take, but over time it tends to even out. Are you always the one initiating plans? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? If you only hear from someone when they can get something from you, it’s natural to feel frustrated and resentful after a while. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, so if you’re doing all the work, it might be time to end things. 

Your interests change

Lots of friendships start around a common interest, like hiking or games. Our interests often change over time, especially when we have new experiences. Sometimes, what interests you no longer does and you move on. It might be painful to leave people behind, but as your interests grow so will your potential pool of new friends. 

Ending a friendship is a hard and personal decision. What is right for one friendship might be totally wrong for another. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Our needs change over time, including the needs we have in relationships. Friendships take work and trust, and sometimes that’s just not possible or practical.

If you’re looking for support as you decide to end a friendship, therapy can be a great place to cope with the loss of an important relationship in your life.