6 Signs It's Time for Couples Counseling

Is it time for you and your partner to start couples counseling?

When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it can feel hopeless and frightening. You might wonder what you can do to repair the connection you have and feel like a team again. Couples counseling can make a big difference in the way you communicate and connect with your partner.

There’s no perfect time to start couples counseling, but it’s true that couples often wait for a very long time to get support after they start having problems. The negative patterns that lead to disconnection have more time to get ingrained the longer you wait to change them. Relationship therapy can help you unpack those patterns, no matter when you and your partner choose to come in. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about couples therapy that can lead to couples waiting to get support.

First, couples counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort. You don’t even have to be going through something serious to start couples counseling. It can even be a good idea to start therapy before you have major issues, so that you have a solid foundation of communication skills and healthy conflict patterns when things come up.

Next, attending couples therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship or that you’ve failed in any way. Relationships are hard, and when there’s dysfunction in our important relationships, it can impact all parts of your life. Seeing a therapist to help your relationship 

It’s also important to note that couples counseling isn’t a quick fix. Therapy of any type takes work, and there are times when it will be hard or distressing. But there are also major benefits of couples therapy, including: 

• Learning and practicing tools for healthy communication

• Repairing and rebuilding emotional connection

• Finding growth as a couple

• Discussing current areas of improvement 

• Establishing a stable foundation for the future

• Strengthening intimacy

• Regaining warmth, closeness, and support

• Finding ways to resolve issues causing distress

• Making decisions in alignment with each other and your values

• Feeling confident in your ability to get through future issues

What brings couples to couples counseling?

There are lots of reasons why couples seek out couples therapy. While counseling can be immensely helpful during moments of relationship crisis, it’s not the only thing that brings couples to therapy. 

These are just some of the reasons why couples start therapy:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance

• Intimacy issues

• Affairs & infidelity

• General relationship dissatisfaction

• Navigating conflict

• Rebuilding trust

• Work-life balance difficulties

• Parenting differences

• Difficulties with in-laws or family members

• Substance use

• Differences in values

• Family planning and whether to have children

• Managing parenting differences

• Fairly dividing household and relationship labor

• Blended family dynamics

• Codependency

There’s no right or wrong reason to start seeing a couples counselor. But if you’re wondering when it’s time to start couples counseling with your partner, here are some signs: 

It’s been on your mind

If you’re reading this article, clearly this topic is on your mind. Of course, you don’t have to act on every thought you have, but if this is something you keep coming back to, it can be a sign that it’s the right time to talk about it with your partner and look for a relationship counselor. 

Trust has been broken

It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. Trust being broken between romantic partners can be hard to recover from, but it’s a lot harder without the support and guidance of an experienced couples therapist. If you’re struggling with trust in your relationship, therapy can help you work through the painful emotions and rebuild trust and safety. 

You don’t communicate well with each other

Like trust, communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you don’t communicate well, it can feel impossible to interact, even about small things. Feeling like you can’t talk to the person you love can be heartbreaking! Couples counseling can help you discover your negative communication patterns and practice healthier ways to communicate with one another.  

You’re stuck in conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships, but it’s not normal to fight all of the time. Even when you disagree, it’s possible to end conflicts so that you don’t get caught in a cycle of fighting. Research actually shows that most conflicts between couples can’t be easily solved and are perpetual, so it’s crucial to learn how to move forward from those moments. Relationship therapy can help you handle conflict in a healthier way.

There’s emotional distance

Disconnection can be painful in romantic relationships. When there’s a lack of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical or both, it’s distressing and often hard to talk about. A couples therapist can help you find ways to have hard conversations while helping each other feel safe. 

You’re going through a big life transition

Life transitions are major sources of stress, and stress can wreak havoc on our close relationships. If you’re already at your limit with stress, finding time for therapy might not seem appealing, but it can be a game-changer to give yourself another source of support when you’re going through a difficult time. 

Are you interested in couples counseling? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer therapy for couples in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Get in touch with us here to get started.

How to Overcome People Pleasing

How to Overcome People Pleasing 

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? 

It’s important to treat other people with kindness and respect, but people pleasing goes beyond treating people well. People pleasing is when one person takes on all of the emotional and physical labor of a relationship in order to win the affection of the other person. 

Many of us grow up learning how to prioritize others over ourselves. People who might identify as people pleasers are often seen as pleasant and helpful and often get praised for their support, but people pleasing isn’t all positives. It’s mentally and physically draining to ignore your own needs in favor of everyone else’s. 

Trying to please other people at the expense of your own mental and physical health is a habit that’s hard to break. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, but it is possible. 

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing doesn’t happen for no reason - it’s a source of validation and even purpose for some. It feels good to be needed. Many people who struggle with people pleasing are very self critical and have a negative self-image. Pleasing other people is a way to feel better about themselves and to feel connected to others. Some people might feel like if they’re not always doing things for others, their social network will disappear. It can feel very lonely to feel like your relationships aren’t reciprocal or to feel like you’re being used. 

It’s important to note the gendered and racial expectations we have around people pleasing. People pleasing is something that’s often expected of women and minorities, who may feel that they have to focus on others to be respected. Think about the unspoken expectations that many people have - who do we expect to be pleasant? Who do we allow to say no and have boundaries? 

People pleasing can also be related to a traumatic response. Some people experience trauma that leads them to adopt a fawning response, which can often include people pleasing as a strategy to protect themselves. Some children learn that they can get attention or positive reactions from their caregivers by 

Are you not sure if you’re a people pleaser? Do you tend to: 

• Ignore your own boundaries?

• Be preoccupied with what others think of you? 

• Feel like you can’t express your feelings when you’re upset?

• Say yes to plans or requests when you really don’t want to? 

• Expect yourself to smooth over conflict?

• Spend more time on everyone except yourself?

If any of these feel familiar to you, you might be dealing with people pleasing. When people pleasing is a habit, it can leave you feeling drained and resentful of the people around you because no one is giving you the same energy that you’re giving them. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion to overcome people pleasing, but it is possible. 

Here are some ways to overcome people pleasing:

Take your time 

When people pleasing is a habit, it takes time to learn how to respond in a new way. It’s helpful to intentionally slow down and avoid agreeing to things that don’t work for you. When someone requests something of you, ask for time to decide. Have a few go to responses ready to go so that you can rattle them off instead of feeling tempted or pressured to agree. Here are some phrases to try: 

• “Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I’ll let you know!”

• “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll text you later to confirm.”

Feel your feelings

People pleasing is a coping skill, and it can be a great way to distract yourself from feeling your feelings. Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt. When we ignore our feelings, they don’t actually go away. Eventually those feelings will need to be felt, and when you push them down for long enough, the resulting feeling explosion can be very distressing. 

Even though it’s painful sometimes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings can help you learn how to sit with them and the urge to please others as a distraction. With practice, you’ll learn that just as feelings come, they will pass too. Try to think of them like waves on the beach. Sometimes a wave is tiny and sometimes it’s massive, but either way, it always recedes. When a painful feeling comes up, try repeating to yourself that it won’t last forever. The feeling came, so it will go. 

Think about and communicate your boundaries

Recovering from people pleasing means setting and maintaining boundaries that work for you. It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you haven’t in the past, but try to sit with that feeling of discomfort. That’s a big sign that you actually really need boundaries! Everyone has boundaries, and you’re allowed to have them too. 

Try to think about the things that are draining you the most. Is it stressful to say yes to plans that you don’t actually want? Is it exhausting to deal with everyone else’s emotions and get no support of your own? It will be easier to set up boundaries that feel supportive if you can pinpoint exactly what is causing your distress. 

Remember, boundaries are about you, not about the other person. Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone’s behavior, they’re about how you will respond in certain situations. If someone crosses your boundary, then you will do X. For example, if your boundary is that you don’t want to hear comments from your family about your weight, your boundary could be “If you make comments about my weight, I will hang up the phone or otherwise leave the conversation.” 

Take baby steps

You don’t need to shift from people pleasing to having completely rigid boundaries overnight. Try starting with small boundaries you can practice with. They will both feel easier to enforce and successfully setting and enforcing a boundary can give you the confidence to keep going. 

There’s nothing wrong with being protective of your mental health, and getting a few small victories under your belt can be really motivating to keep going. 

Be very nice to yourself

Setting boundaries and working on overcoming people pleasing can sometimes feel like you’re not being kind or that you’re selfish. When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. It actually helps you be more sustainably supportive to others, because you’re not forced to give from an empty cup. As you practice setting up boundaries and feeling your feelings, give yourself lots and lots of self compassion. Try to be as nice to yourself as you’d be to your best friend, or to a child. 

When you notice self talk, try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for feeling this way. When it comes up, say “It makes sense that I would feel that way, but what this inner voice is saying is not true.” and then try to move on instead of getting caught up in what your inner self is saying. 

Are you stuck in a people pleasing cycle? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore being a people pleaser without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started! 

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

If you’ve seen the show Ted Lasso you may remember a scene where two of the main characters, Rebecca and Keely, are talking about accountability in relationships. If you’re not familiar, the context of the scene is that Rebecca is the boss of Keely’s boyfriend, Jamie, and knows that Jamie has invited a second plus one to a charity event. She kindly warns Keely of this, and encourages her to consider the importance of having a partner who can be accountable for the way they behave and the way they treat you. 

Accountability isn’t always the first quality we think of when it comes to good relationships, but it’s actually very important for establishing trust, safety, and intimacy. It’s less obvious than, say, a good sense of humor, but accountability is a crucial piece of the healthy relationship puzzle. 

What does it mean to be accountable? 

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.”

Why is accountability important in relationships?

Accountability is important for every type of relationship, including families, friends, and coworkers. It’s especially important in romantic relationships because of the level of trust that emotional intimacy requires. 

When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.

Accountability also has an impact on self-esteem. When you know that you can count on yourself to accept responsibility for the things you do and say, it feels good. It doesn’t always feel good to admit you’re wrong or that there’s something you can work on. It does feel good to keep promises to yourself, though, and following through on things that are important to you is one way to do that.

How can I practice accountability in relationships?

We all have things we can work on to improve our relationships both with ourselves and with others. If you’re looking for ways to practice accountability in your relationships, here are 4 things to try:

Be okay with making mistakes

Making mistakes is a part of life. No one in human history has ever done everything 100% “right” - partially because what is right is subjective. We have different values and priorities, and so what is right for one person might not be right for another. We can’t read minds, so it is impossible to know how other people will react or what will be painful for them sometimes. If you’re alive, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s just the way it is. 

Instead of trying to fight against that idea, try to become more comfortable with the idea of making mistakes. It’s okay! Accepting that mistakes are part of life frees up your mind to do other things instead of feeling shame for being human. 

Don’t give in to shame

It’s harder to admit you’ve done something wrong when you feel shame about it, because shame is uncomfortable. No one likes to feel ashamed - it’s painful, even though it’s something we all deal with. Shame is distracting though, and it keeps us from doing the real work of being accountable and moving forward. 

Some people are so stuck in shame that they can’t admit they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. While it’s not easy to work through shame, it’s even harder to be consumed by it. Cut yourself some slack.

Prioritize honesty

Accountability requires honesty. To be truly accountable, it’s important to be completely honest and own up to what you did fully, without cleaning up some of the details to make yourself come across better or more sympathetic. No one likes to be lied to. Dishonesty destroys trust, which is very difficult to rebuild.

Remember, it’s okay to be human. You’re not perfect, and no one should expect you to be. Do your best to be honest with the people you care about, even if it brings up feelings of shame. Feelings don’t last forever, and shame won’t either. 

Pause before reacting

It takes time to learn how to do this, but learning how to pause before reacting to situations can make a huge difference. When we react, we often are acting without thinking things all the way through, which can make things worse. Taking a minute to pause between what’s going on and how you respond gives you a chance to tap into your rational self instead of just reacting with your emotional self. 

When you learn how to lengthen the space between what’s happening and the way you respond, you give yourself a chance to act in a way that aligns with your values and goals instead of working against them. 

Are you looking for more support to improve the important relationships in your life? Working with a therapist can help you learn new skills that can benefit relationships of all kinds - from friends and family to romantic partners. Get in touch today to get started!

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Relationships can be tough when there aren’t healthy boundaries in place, even when we have good intentions. We all bring our own histories and experiences to our relationships, and sometimes the different approaches we have to relationships can cause miscommunication or hurt feelings. One common issue that can cause distress in relationships is codependence, which can lead to an imbalanced relationship emotionally.

What is Codependence?

Codependence happens when one partner in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) gets their sense of self-worth from prioritizing the other person’s needs over their own. You can experience codependence in any kind of relationship, but it most often shows up in romantic relationships. You may have a relationship in your past or know of someone in a relationship like this. Instead of each partner being responsible for themselves emotionally, one partner takes on all of the responsibility for their partner instead of focusing on their own needs. 

Codependent folks feel validated when they put another person’s needs before their own. Lots of times the urge to manage the feelings and needs of others comes from experiences you had in childhood. Many codependent folks learned early on that the world is confusing, and one way to make sense of it is to try to control as much as possible. 

Low self worth can also impact codependence, because feeling badly about yourself can lead to placing the responsibility of your happiness on someone else. If you have a hard time being alone with yourself, or you don’t like yourself, it might seem easier to throw all your energy into helping “fix” your partner or take care of their needs than to focus your attention on yourself. However, this often leads to more relationship problems than it solves. 

What’s wrong with codependence?

The problem with codependence is that it’s impossible to manage someone else’s needs fully. Everyone is responsible for their own emotional work, and that’s just not something that can be done by someone else. Trying to control your partner’s emotional experience or manage their needs is a losing game, which will just end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run. 

The goal in relationships isn’t complete independence though. Interdependence is a more healthy relationship dynamic, because it allows partners to be autonomous but also come together as a team. 

In an interdependent relationship, both partners have a sense of healthy autonomy. Emotional closeness is still there, but each partner is able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. Each partner feels safe to express themselves, and trust that their partner will do the same. Power and responsibility is shared in an equitable way in interdependent relationships, whereas codependent relationships have a major power imbalance. 

Where does codependence come from? 

If you find yourself enacting some codependent behaviors, don’t be too hard on yourself. The ways we relate to others in adult relationships is often influenced by our attachment style and our relationships with our early caregivers.

We all have an attachment style, which develops from the relationships we had as children with our caregivers. If your caregivers were attentive to your needs, reliable, and safe, a secure attachment style can form. This is because you learned early on that you were safe and cared for, which allowed you to explore the world knowing that you would have a safe base to return to. If your caregivers were not as reliable, though, it’s harder to feel that sense of safety and trust. 

We all have fundamental needs as humans. These needs are things like: 

• Knowing that you’re loved

• Knowing you won’t be abandoned

• Knowing that you’re safe

• Feeling seen and heard

• Feeling accepted 

• Knowing you’re good enough

• Knowing that your needs aren’t a burden

Often, these needs are at the root of arguments. It’s painful to feel like your partner doesn’t understand needs that feel so fundamental to you. But remember, no one can read minds. Even if it seems plain to you, it’s impossible for your partner to know what you need or expect if you don’t communicate it to them. When this feeling of frustration comes up, try to remember that underneath this feeling is an attachment need that isn’t being met. It’s easier to find a resolution when you can pinpoint where the actual distress you’re feeling is coming from. 

What can I do to increase interdependence in my relationship? 

If you’re in a codependent relationship, it’s not doomed to end poorly. Just as codependence was learned at some point, it can be unlearned. There are things you can do to help shift from a codependent dynamic to a more interdependent one. 

Take note of moments of codependence 

Codependence can become a pattern in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. We all have patterns we follow, and they can be hard to spot sometimes without self-reflection. Often, the patterns that we enact come from a place of trying to protect ourselves or cope with a tough situation. These patterns don’t always make sense for the way you’re living your life now, since the original situation has passed. It’s possible to unlearn these patterns that are no longer serving our needs though.

When you notice codependent behavior coming up, either with you or your partner, take notice of it. Try not to attach moral weight to it, because that will lead to feelings of shame. Even just noticing when it comes up can give you more insight into what your actual relationship patterns look like, and how you relate to one another.

Get to know yourself better 

To break the cycle of codependence, you’ll need to get comfortable spending time with yourself. This can seem like a nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Lots of us are trying to avoid that very thing for a reason - it’s painful sometimes to work through our baggage to get to a place where we feel comfortable in our own company. However, learning who you are, what your needs are, and what’s important to you is invaluable. When you know who you are on your own, it’s easier to continue to maintain that sense of self in a relationship. 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are journaling, mindfulness work, and tuning into your inner dialogue. Working with a therapist can help you find ways to be more mindful of the present moment and notice those times when you are trying to distract yourself or avoid your own thoughts. 

Develop interests outside of your relationship

To be interdependent in a relationship, you need to develop a sense of who you are outside of your relationships. Know that you’ve gotten to know yourself a little better, you can explore interests of your own outside your relationship simply for your own fulfillment. 

What makes you feel happy, loved, safe? What are some ways to open up your life beyond your relationship? Maybe with a hobby or a cause that is important to you. When you have your own sense of purpose outside of your relationship, it’s easier to resist those codependent urges. 

Be patient with yourself and your partner

Change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s often painful throughout the process. Don’t expect the way you relate to other people, especially romantic partners, to transform instantly. Developing a healthy sense of interdependence takes time. It takes building up trust and esteem for yourself, and proving to yourself that you can meet your own needs. Consistently showing up for your own needs gives you proof that you’re capable and are on the right track. 

In the same vein, be patient with your partner as well. Just like you, they’re learning more about their attachment needs and how to balance a healthy sense of self with a relationship. Maintaining healthy relationships isn’t something that we learn about in school, so real life practice is all we get. It’s going to take time and the more patient and understanding you can be with one another, the less distressing it will be. 

Work with a therapist

Relationships are complicated, and it can be hard to figure out new ways to relate to one another without the help of a professional. You don’t need to be at a breaking point in your relationship to seek help. Therapists are trained to help you pick up on patterns that aren’t working for you anymore and explore more helpful ways to communicate with one another. Working with a therapist can also help you find a balance of interdependence in your relationship. 

It can be hard to break old patterns, especially ones like codependence in relationships. Working with a therapist can help you recognize and change unhelpful patterns. Therapy can help teach you how to break the cycle of codependence and move toward more interdependent relationships in the future. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

One of the hardest things about any relationship is communication. When you need to have a hard conversation with someone, communication can seem impossible. So many of us have experiences in the past, whether growing up or in other adult relationships, where we felt afraid to say what we were thinking or feeling. Some people have lived in situations where they couldn’t share their thoughts or feelings for fear of cruelty or abuse. Some people might be afraid of how their partner will react. Others might feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as their partners.

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that having hard conversations is hard. Luckily, there are ways to make even the hardest conversations a little easier to manage. 

Hard conversations are inevitable in most relationships, even platonic ones.

Everyone changes as they age, and people don’t always change in ways that work together. Expectations shift, and the resources people can offer to a relationship don’t always stay the same. Relationships aren’t always split 50/50. Sometimes one partner will need more support than the other, and vice versa. Over time, things may even out, but in the short term, things might feel unequal for a while. 

Having a hard conversation with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, though. Sometimes, hard conversations lead to big breakthroughs in relationships that leave you feeling closer to each other than before. No relationship is perfect, and it will be impossible to avoid having some hard conversations unless you basically avoid having conversations at all. 

Are you worried about how to approach hard conversations with your partner? Here are 8 ideas to make it easier: 

Wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged

Having a hard conversation is already, well, hard enough. Starting a serious or hard talk with your partner when you’re already emotional can make things go from bad to worse. If you’re in the middle of an argument, see what you can both do to regroup and calm down before having any serious conversations. Similarly, try to avoid serious talks in the middle of sex. Sex is emotional and vulnerable, and adding in an intense conversation in the middle of it is just seeing you up to miscommunicate. 

Talk about things as they come up

On the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to bring things up that are bothering you. It’s beneficial to wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged to dive into a heavy discussion, but holding onto issues for too long is a recipe for resentment. It’s also never fun to hear from your partner that they’ve been secretly upset with you about something for a long time. When you feel upset or like you need to talk, find a time sooner rather than later to talk about it so you don’t feel overwhelmed with resentment. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

The most important part of communication is listening when someone communicates with you. It can be tempting, especially when we’re upset, to get distracted when someone is speaking to you because you’re thinking about how to respond. Instead of hearing what they are actually saying to you, however, you’re missing it to concentrate on what to say next. This is how miscommunication can happen. It is also very frustrating to feel like you’re not being listened to. When you’re listening to your partner talk, focus on what they’re saying to you. Repeat back what they’re saying to show them you’re paying attention. Think about how you would want them to listen to you, and act the same way. 

Reframe the situation as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”

So many relationship conflicts are framed as one partner versus the other, instead of both partners versus the problem. Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this together. How can you look at this situation as the two of you against the problem, instead of against each other? Remind each other that you’re on the same side.

Approach the situation from a place of curiosity, instead of blame

Miscommunications happen when we make assumptions about other people. Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Try to see where your partner is coming from and understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for what’s wrong in the relationship, try to find out what they’re thinking and what is driving them to behave the way they do. There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior, and the more compassionate and curious we can be, the less shame and defensiveness people will feel.

Remind yourself that being right isn’t the most important thing

Sometimes we get so swept up in what we’re thinking and feeling that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. There are some situations where you’ll probably want to be acknowledged for being right, but that doesn’t have to happen every time. In a lot of disagreements in relationships, there isn’t one clear right side and one clear wrong side. It’s okay to want to be right, but being right all the time doesn’t always make it easy to be in a relationship with someone. In all adult relationships, we have to compromise and work together, so make sure you’re prepared for that going into a tough conversation. 

Figure out what you want before you start the conversation

Talking about a problem without offering a solution or knowing what you need out of a situation can just lead to frustration for everyone. If you’re bringing something up, have a plan about what you want to say to your partner so you don’t forget anything once your emotions are heightened. What do you need to have happen in this conversation? What are you willing to negotiate, and what can you be flexible about? Are you hoping to spend more time together? Are you looking for a different division of labor in the household? Do you want to find more ways to connect emotionally? Whatever it is, have your goals in mind when you start the conversation. 

Make checking in a regular part of your relationship

If it kind of freaks you out to hear that you need to have a serious conversation with a partner, you’re not alone. The words “we need to talk” can be very scary to hear, especially when your relationship is struggling.  

This is more of a long-term goal, but when you make it a regular part of your relationship to check in with one another, hearing “we need to talk” will seem way less scary or threatening. It can be uncomfortable knowing that a mysterious conversation is ahead of you, even if it’s one you know you need to have. When you make check-ins regular, you’ll have more chances to address issues as they come up, so no one is holding onto any resentment. 

Give yourself a pat on the back

Having hard conversations is, well, hard. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable and ask for what you need or say what’s on your mind. If you’re having a hard conversation with someone, give yourself credit. That’s not an easy thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. 

Relationships aren’t easy, and since every one is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual. Working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to communicate and connect with one another so hard conversations no longer feel impossible. To get started working with a couples therapist, get in touch with our office. 

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today! 

6 Little Ways to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Improving any relationship may seem like a daunting task, especially a romantic relationship. After all, it’s hard for people to change! It seems like making any sort of meaningful change would take a long time and a lot of effort. Big changes and shifts often do take time and patience, but there are lots of little ways to improve your romantic relationships that can add up over time. 

Romantic relationships often feel like they have higher stakes, partially because as a culture we value intimate relationships more than platonic ones. That’s why there are a million resources out there about how to deal with a romantic breakup, but not nearly as many on dealing with friendship breakups, for example. So when things are tough in your romantic relationship, you might feel particularly distressed.

This is also because our romantic partners are often a major source of support in our lives, and a main part of our family. The idea of losing that support, whether it’s a possibility or just a worry, can be devastating. It can be tough to know where to start when you’re feeling like your relationship could be improved. 

First, decide what improving your relationship means to you. For some people, this will mean increased intimacy (physical or emotional), for others it might mean fewer disagreements. What would a “better” relationship look like for you? How would you like to feel in your relationship, and what is in the way of feeling that now? Taking some time to figure out what you want can help you decide how best to move forward. 

If you’re looking for suggestions for little ways to improve your relationship, here are 6 ways: 

Spend time away from each other

This might sound counterintuitive, but couples who don’t spend every minute together tend to be happier. When you spend all of your time together, you leave no room to miss one another. It’s also kind of boring - when you already know exactly how they spend all their time, what is there to talk about? Dedicated time apart can help you feel more excited to come together again and fill each other in on all the details of what you did while you weren’t together. 

Be present mentally when you’re together

It’s all too easy to end the day winding down on the couch, scrolling through your phone, especially as the days get shorter and colder. Even if you spend a lot of time together with your partner, how much of that time is spent being present mentally, and how much of that time is spent distracted? There’s always going to be something to look at online or on your phone, but there aren’t unlimited moments to connect with your partner. When you’re together, at least some of the time, try to make an effort to be present with each other. That means putting down your phones, making eye contact, and actively listening to each other. We promise, it’s worth it!

Stop trying to read each other's' minds

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you probably know pretty well how they think. However, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind, or that they can read yours. There are lots of disagreements between couples that could be resolved with some direct communication, instead of making assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, ask! 

Make time to laugh together

When was the last time you and your partner had a really good laugh together? There’s a lot of tension and stress in the world, and that only tends to increase at the end of the year. Finding ways to bond over positive things can help you feel closer to one another. Making time to laugh together is also a great way to remind yourself that you love and enjoy spending time together. Watching a show or a comedy special that you both love can help get the laughter flowing and leave you feeling closer. 

Go to bed at the same time 

Life is busy, and it’s hard to find time to spend with your partner sometimes. Going to bed at the same time at night gives you an opportunity for some alone time every day. Take advantage of it! Also, everything seems better after a good night’s sleep, so getting some quality shut-eye can do a world of good when you’re just having one of those days. 

Notice the little things

When you’re in a routine with someone, it can be hard to break out of it. One way to keep things interesting in a relationship is to make an effort to notice the little things. Compliment your partner, acknowledge things they do, remember the things they say, and keep track of what’s important to them. Knowing that someone cares about all the little details of your life is a great feeling, and can lead to feeling closer to one another. 

If you’re looking for more ways to improve your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

As a culture, we tend to romanticize giving our all in romantic relationships. However, there is a fine line between being a devoted partner and being a codependent one. In psychology, the idea of codependency is often associated with substance use, but anyone can be in a codependent relationship. 

What does codependent mean? 

Being codependent is not a mental illness, and you can’t be officially diagnosed as codependent. Rather, codependency is a pattern of behavior, one that often arises from low self-esteem and the need to protect oneself. 

Codependency is also a relational trait - you may have one codependent relationship, but other relationships where you’re not codependent.  You can be predisposed to be codependent, but if you’re codependent in one relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever.  It’s not necessarily all or nothing - depending on context your level of codependence may change. 

In fact, some people even refer to codependency as “relationship addiction”, suggesting that codependent people are dependent on these unhealthy relationships for their sense of self-worth. 

Healthy relationships are mutual. Both parties can depend on one another equally and offer each other love and support. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. One partner gives more love and support than the other, who often gives little or nothing in return. Someone who is in a codependent relationship might feel that they have to do whatever it takes to please their partner, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. 

Is it a problem to be codependent? 

Just because two people rely on each other doesn’t mean that it’s always a problem. Some people are happy with the relationships they have. Every close relationship isn’t a codependent one. The closeness needs to be mutual though, so one partner isn’t doing all the giving and the other isn’t doing all the taking. Healthy relationships aren’t one-sided. 

The problem comes when one partner is taking advantage of the other. This can happen in a number of ways - emotionally, financially, sexually. Codependency is problematic when it leads to a person defining themselves by their partner and trying to control the relationship. 

What are signs of codependence? 

Codependence can be tricky because it’s not always conscious on the part of both partners. You both may have the best of intentions, but sliding into codependence can turn a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one. An example of this is feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings. It might seem like it’s coming from a good place, but it’s really a way to exert control to get their love. If you can control how they feel at all times, you know they’ll always feel loving towards you. However, that takes away from their agency as a person - they’re allowed to have their own feelings, even if they’re not the ones you want them to have. 

Even if neither one of you is aware of how your behavior affects the other, you both may still be contributing to the level of codependence in the relationship. If any of the following feels familiar to you, you may want to learn more about codependency or talk about it with a therapist.

• You’re a people pleaser

• You’ve always felt like you need the approval of others 

• You feel like you have to make excuses for the other person’s behavior

• The other person’s happiness feels more important than yours 

• You feel responsible for the other person’s feelings 

• You have a history of helping that is really enabling

• You feel like you no longer have a sense of identity outside the relationship

• You have a history of being a caretaker

• You have low self worth

• You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries

• You find it hard to trust yourself and others

• You have a history of avoiding conflict

• You are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• You feel taken advantage of 

What are some ways I can work toward being less codependent? 

The first step toward becoming less codependent in a relationship is to recognize that the codependence is there. You can’t change anything if you don’t know it exists. Take some time to notice your behavior and your partner’s behavior for a while. Maybe keep track in a journal and note times when you put your needs last. 

Codependence is also associated with low self-worth. Working on increasing your sense of self-worth can go a long way toward making you feel like your needs matter in relationships. When you take care of yourself first, you teach yourself that you’re your first priority. It will take time to undo the lifetime of feeling like you have to put yourself last, but it gets easier with practice. 

If you’re concerned that you’re in a relationship that’s become codependent, working with a therapist can help you find ways to begin prioritizing your own needs again. Get in touch with our office today to start working with one of our therapists.