4 Best Practices for Fact Checking #InstaTherapy Content

Mental health is a popular topic on social media. 

And because mental health care can often be inaccessible for a number of reasons (finances, insurance barriers, location, family/community culture, etc.) that can be a great thing–talking about mental health openly can help to destigmatize the need for care, and to normalize the idea that we all have things to work on. 

But there are a few dangers to relying on social media exclusively for mental health care:

1. You don’t get the full therapy experience, which needs a relationship in which to provide space for healing

2. There’s no factual requirement for posting on social media–meaning the mental health information you’re getting, might not be accurate. 

That doesn’t mean there’s no good information out there on social media–Hope+Wellness is on Instagram where we share bite sized posts from topics we’ve covered on the blog, and we follow plenty of other mental health professionals on that platform who are doing great work! It just means you need to have a bit of care when taking in content related to mental health. 

So what can you do to vet how reliable a mental health resource is on social media?

First ask: Who is the source of this information? 

What are their qualifications? Are they a licensed provider? Are they actively practicing? Is their license bound to any sort of ethics board?

Qualified resources will have their credentials listed publicly. Their qualifications/license type should be either: 

1. Listed in their account bio 

2. Stated clearly on the website linked in their account bio

If you can’t find credentials listed in their account bio, click over to their website to check the home and about pages. Credentials should be easy to find and where you expect them to be–if they are hidden away somewhere that you have to dig for, that’s a warning sign. 

Next: Is what they’re sharing within their scope of practice?

What sort of mental health professional are they? What is their area of expertise and scope of practice? Is the information they are sharing within that scope–or is it unrelated to what they are professionally qualified for? 

For example, mental health professionals shouldn’t be giving the advice of a primary care doctor and vice versa. 

Qualified mental health care professionals should also be making it clear on their profiles that their online presence is intended as therapeutic education, not a replacement for the treatment they offer or a method of seeking diagnosis.  

Check the comments:

While this isn’t always helpful, it’s good to do a quick glance through comments of popular mental health content on social media. If others in the industry are disputing the information in the comments, that’s a good sign to proceed with caution; look up what’s being shared and read more information on it from reputable sources. 

Check in: do they get specific about clients?

Talking about common concerns from the general clients or population they see is one thing–that can be helpful in destigmatizing care or addressing misconceptions, etc. But no mental health professional should be describing their client cases or bragging about their client successes as a way to prove their legitimacy. 

If you’re questioning how specific they are, consider if the person they were talking about found the content; would they be able to identify themselves as the subject of the content? If so–it’s too specific, and actually a HIPAA violation. That’s a big red warning sign that they aren’t considering how their ethical practices need to be translated to social media! 

Keep these best practices in mind when engaging with mental health content on social media: 

• Be selective with who you follow: take your time to check their credentials and make sure they’re creating content within the scope of their practice

• Consider each post on it’s own–don’t just assume something is factual because it’s from a source you followed 

• Use information shared as a jumping off point; go further with resources they provide or begin to look into the topic from other reputable and reliable sources 

• Bring up anything you’re unsure about with your therapist! 

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

Tending to Plants for Better Mental Health

Have you ever considered the benefit of taking care of something else as part of your own self care process? 

It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true: creating routines where you tend to something else (a pet, a garden, a community project) benefits not just what you’re tending to, but your own mental wellness. Today we’re going to look at tending to plants specifically, but many of the benefits can come from making space to tend to other things (pets, community spaces, etc.) as well. 

So, how do indoor plants help our mental health? Here are 4 ways that caring for houseplants can help you care for your mental health: 

It helps promote mindfulness:

When you’re taking care of your plants, you have a chance to focus your attention on the nurturing that is taking place. Instead of your mind wandering around in a thousand different directions, you’re focused on the task at hand: which plants need care today? What do they need? Sunlight? Water? Do any need to be repotted or trimmed back? When you let your mind stay in the present moment, you reduce the opportunity for negative thoughts to land and stick in your mind. Taking care of your houseplants gets you into a regular mindfulness practice, which you can then bring to other areas of your life. It allows you to take the opportunity to slow down. We live in a hustle dominated culture, but that hustle isn’t always what is best for us! Tending to your plants requires care and attention so you have to slow down. . 

They give you reminders for your own care

Your plants need regular things like water and sunlight to survive; what are the things you need daily? You need things like food, water, and sunlight too, but what else? You need joyful movement, supportive relationships, opportunities for creativity and fun. Are your needs being met?

And sometimes your plant will need a change and you won’t know exactly what it will need. You might have to try a few different things to find the best way to take care of your plants; did you give it too much water? Not enough sunlight? A combination of both? It can be tricky to figure out what your plant needs and if you wind up giving it the wrong thing, just remember it’s all part of the learning process. This is also true for you. 

Easy companionship

Plants are living things! They have needs you have to get to know them to meet, they contribute to the well being and beauty of your space, and it’s important for the relationship between you and your houseplants that what each of you bring to the home is valued. 

But they aren’t like pets who require constant care and attention. Houseplants need us–we’ve taken them out of their natural habitat so it’s our responsibility to take care of them, but unlike a dog who might need multiple walks a day, someone to clean up after them, someone to devote a good portion of their day to petting and playing with the dog, etc. plants just need a good space to be in and someone to check in on them to make sure they’re getting enough water and sun. That makes them a good option for people who want something to take care of but don’t have the time or money to commit to a pet.  

They remind you small steps matter

Your plant isn’t going to fully grow overnight; it needs regular care. Watering it once and putting it in the window isn’t enough. This is a helpful reminder to us about our own wellness and growth: it’s a constant, daily practice. And each time we tend to our plants (or ourselves) matters and aids in the growth. 

Tending to houseplants has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you. 

Exploring & Expressing Anger Safely

There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. 

Yes, read it again! None of our emotions on their own are good or bad. Now, that doesn’t mean that they can’t make us feel bad (or uncomfortable) in some way, but all an emotion is really doing is giving us information. And all of that information is important–even the information we don’t like to learn. 

Our feelings basically act as response cues to the environment around us. They let us know if we’re safe, if we’re valued, if our wants and needs are being met, etc. If that sounds confusing (how can a feeling let you know if your needs are being met?) let’s look at an example. Say you’ve spent an evening laughing with your friends, feeling happy. That good feeling, while it might seem basic, is telling you information! It’s letting you know:

• You are comfortable around the people you’re with

• Your true self is safe to come out in this environment

• You’re able to participate fully in the moment, indicating you feel seen and valued

• You’re fulfilled/rejuvenated by the social connections you’ve made

That all might seem obvious at the moment, but it’s actually a lot of information for one feeling to give you! Uncomfortable emotions, though we don’t enjoy experiencing them as much, give us the same amount of information. While they can feel “bad” they’re still important to pay attention to, so we can attend to our needs. 

Let’s look at anger. 

Anger is often a secondary emotion–which means if comes as a result of another, often more vulnerable feeling. While anger is what is being expressed in that case, the feeling at the root could be hurt, shame, betrayal, etc. 

However, anger still tells us a lot of information, and isn’t an emotion to be afraid to feel or express. One function it can serve is informing you when you’re being mistreated. If someone says something cruel to you and you get upset, there may be another emotion at the root, but your anger can also be a signal that you know how you deserve to be treated, but that you are presently being mistreated. That’s not a bad thing–your anger is actually looking out for you in that scenario. It’s letting you know, hey, I know this isn’t okay and I deserve better!  

Anger becomes a problem when we are so afraid of it, we don’t give ourselves space to explore or express it. If we’re under the impression that anger is bad or scary, we’re not likely to engage with it when we feel it; instead we’re more likely to feel shame and try to shove it away. Or, if our anger has been shoved aside too long, it may bubble up and explode in a more volatile way than if we had given it the attention it needed when it first appeared. 

When we don’t treat it as something dangerous, anger can be useful to us. 

Give yourself a moment to think about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. As yourself: 

• What happened just before I started feeling this way?

• What was it that made me feel this way?

• Am I feeling angry or is there another emotion at the root of this feeling? (Insecurity, sadness, shame, etc.) 

• Does this remind me of some way I’ve been mistreated in the past?

When you’ve given yourself a chance to explore what it is you’re feeling, communicating to others what you need or what upset you will be easier. 

But sometimes we need to let ourselves feel the anger before we’re ready to pick it apart.

That doesn’t mean lashing out or having an outburst, but there are other ways to let yourself feel and express that anger without endangering yourself or others. Giving yourself time to feel your feelings before picking them apart helps you not to overanalyze yourself. 

Sometimes we’re angry because we haven’t had enough to eat or sleep and we keeping getting held up by small inconveniences, until suddenly we’re angry! In those cases, too much introspection probably won’t be helpful. You need a snack, a nap, and a moment to release the built up frustration so that you can go about your day. Some ways you can release that anger or frustration can include: 

Music: 

Whether you play an instrument yourself, or if you just like to blast it in your room and sing along, screaming along or playing loudly can help release the tension that has built up. 

Art: 

Creating art can be both a physical release by working with your hands and other materials (like painting), a way to be destructive while also creative (like collaging) and even a physical stress relief (using clay with your hands, etc.). It also allows you to express whatever it is you’re feeling without having to put words to it–there are many other ways we can communicate, and visually is one way! Using art to express anger is a great way to explore it, release it and communicate it. 

Moving your body: 

Any way you like! It could be dancing, going for a run or hike, or anything that can take that anger and use it as physical exertion so it feels like you’re expelling it out of your body. Exercising also helps to release those feel good chemicals in our brain as well, so you can literally help improve your mood by moving your body. 

Journaling: 

You don’t have to express everything perfectly in your journal, or even know what you want to write about–it’s a space all for you. You can let yourself vent when you’re mad to get it out, and later, when you’re feeling calm and settled, you can look at what was upsetting you to see if there’s anything within your control that you can do about it. 

Remember:  Anger is just a feeling, feeling it isn’t good or bad. 

Give yourself time and space to release those feelings and explore what they’re telling you before trying to communicate that with others. And while anger can be useful, communicating in anger is not, so using one of these ways to find expression or release first,  before communicating to others about what you need can help you stay grounded and focused on your own needs, 

Working with a therapist can help you understand what your anger is telling you and find healthy ways to express it. Contact our office today to get started.

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

7 Ways to Spend Your Time for Better Mental Health

How do you normally spend your time?

How we spend our time can be a huge contributor to our health, both mental and physical. It’s important to spend our time in ways that nourish and take care of ourselves (both in our body and in our mind) as well as provide balance so we’re not just treating ourselves like machines who don’t need variation. 

One method of doing this is called the Healthy Mind Platter, and it was created by Dr. Dan Siegel. In this framework, Dr. Siegel provides seven uses of our time as different portions on a platter, similar to the food pyramid guiding us on recommended dietary nutrition. According to Dr. Siegal, these seven uses of our time are the best ways to tend to our mental health and well being. 

These seven uses of our time are: 

• Sleep time

• Physical time

• Focus time

• Time in 

• Down time

• Play Time 

• Concentrating time

Not all seven have to be part of your routine every single day, in fact humans need variation. But having a regular balance of these seven types of time in general helps to optimize your brain function and contribute to your overall well being. 

So what does each type of these seven “times” consist of? Let’s break it down! 

Sleep time: 

This one is pretty obvious. This is when you sleep! But just because it feels obvious doesn’t actually mean it’s second nature to us. Many of us don’t have proper sleep hygiene, and we don’t even realize how much that can affect our day to day lives! But our health, our mood, our cognitive abilities and our energy levels. So being mindful about when you’re going to sleep, the environment you’re sleeping in, your physical comfort while you’re sleeping, etc. are all important considerations! 

Physical time: 

Do you know what the mind body connection is? There are many links between our mental health and our physical health–so when we tend to one, we often inadvertently tend to the other. That means finding joyful ways to engage yourself physically is so crucial to mental health! And it doesn’t have to be exercise how we often think of it, anything that gets you moving and present in your body counts. That could be gardening, playing with a pet, going dancing. There are ways to find joy in moving your body without it being an emotional burden! 

Focus time: 

This is when we commit to a task that requires focus, problem solving or is goal oriented in some way. Many of us naturally have this worked into our schedules with our work, but it doesn’t have to be work! You could do a puzzle, sudoku, or even something like go to an escape room!

Time in: 

This is reflection time. Time you take for yourself to consider yourself, any problems you’re facing, your values, current actions, etc. It could be through therapy, journaling, or some other type of self expressive art, as long as the purpose is to dive in and explore what you’re thinking and feeling. 

Down time: 

Down time is another one that is just what it sounds like–time for relaxing and resting! This is when you give your mind and body a real break. This would be any sort of “mindless” hobby like watching TV you’ve seen before, painting your nails, sitting and listening to music, etc. You’re enjoying your time but you aren’t required to do anything other than give your brain a break! 

Play time: 

Yes, adults need play time too! Having time designated to being creative and playful is key for keeping our brains active and strong, even beyond childhood. This can be any sort of hobby you have where you get to be creative, silly, and are free from the expectation to be productive in any way. 

Connecting Time

Connecting time is ideally spent in person with someone else, but that isn’t the only way you can connect to others. And, as we’re living through a pandemic it’s not always possible to see everyone you want to see in person. So, make time for in person connections when you can (meeting a friend for lunch, inviting family to your house, taking a class with someone, etc.) but allow yourself to get creative about other ways to connect too. Can you write a friend a letter and become pen pals? Can you schedule a regular phone call with friends who live far away? 

Do you need help figuring out how your routine can better support your mental health? We can help! Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

Gentle Movement Tips for A Healthier Relationship with Exercise

Having a regular source of happy, gente movement within our daily or weekly routines is important for many reasons! There are many connections between our mental and physical health, so we know that when we nurture both of them, it creates a positive cycle, wherein our positive physical health can help us maintain positive mental health, and so on. 

However, if you’ve had a history of disordered eating or disordered exercise habits, or just a difficult relationship with your body in general, the idea of establishing a new routine might feel a little scary. If that’s the case for you, here are 5 tips for working gentle movement into your routine in a way that works for you! 

Remember the purpose of your gentle movement: 

Gentle movement or moving our bodies in some way that feels good is important for our health–not for the reasons we often hear about in intense fitness environments, where fitness is more of a sport focused on pushing your body to extremes–but because our body and our brain feel better when we find ways to incorporate movement into our routines. Keep the purpose of feeling good at the center of your search for a gentle movement routine: if it starts to feel like drudergy or punishment, it’s time to find something new.  

Also remember, it’s not something you need every day. Some days are more active than others, and fitting in a movement routine on your active days is unnecessarily redundant–and restrictive because it’s making you stick to a rule without a reason, which is more like a punishment. If you spend the day at the park with your niece, you can skip the exercise routine, whatever it is, because your body has been attended to already.  

Keep a list of phrases to look out for: 

If you’ve had a problem with unhealthy exercise habits before (pushing your body past its limits, neglecting or opting out of hobbies or social events in order to stick to an intense, and regimentent workout routine, etc.) getting started with a new routine might seem daunting. Especially if a strict routine was part of what made your habits so imbalanced, establishing a new one might make you feel like you’re doing the opposite of what you should be doing. 

If you’re nervous about your goal of establishing a healthy routine of gentle movement leading you back to unhealthy patterns, it can be helpful to be aware of what phrases or thoughts you may need to look out for in order to be aware of how your mindset around your movement routine is doing. This is something you can work with your therapist on, so you can identify previous warning signs, negative thought patterns that have come up before, and what you can do in the moment if you do see those old negative thoughts reappearing.

Make enjoyment a priority: 

If you’re forcing yourself to exercise in a way that you don’t enjoy, it’s only going to feel like a punishment. And all that will teach you is that you deserve to feel unhappy or uncomfortable in your body–or that being “healthy” means feeling unhappy or uncomfortable in your body. Your movement doesn’t have to be exercise the way we usually think of it. You don’t have to go for a run around the block or sign up for a gym membership. 

Think of things that take you away from your desk or your couch that you enjoy. What sort of things are they? Do you have pets you like to play with? Do you have music you like to dance to? Are there things you could do in your community? If being involved in your community is a value of yours, there are probably many clubs or organizations in your community that need volunteers, and many of them probably have need for things that don’t involve sitting behind a desk! Do you have a friend you rarely have time to catch up with? Can you schedule a regular call with them (or in person if they’re local) where you can spend that time on a walk while you catch up with your friend? Remember to get creative! 

Tap into your inner child:

This is another way you can get creative with how you meet this need for yourself. Before there were unfair expectations or standards you felt you could never meet that dictated your relationship with your body, what was something you did as a child that made you feel good? Did you like to explore the woods or ride your bike or roller-skates? Think of things you did to “play” and what you got the most enjoyment from. Does any of it still sound fun? Could you find a way to incorporate it into your adult life, both to help feed that inner child and to give yourself a happy method of adding movement into your life?

Set limits with yourself: 

This is one you should discuss with your therapist, but it’s important to know when your behaviors have tipped from a healthy routine to a compulsion that may actually be detrimental to your health. Work with your therapist or a professional they recommend to identify what your warning signs and behaviors are, how you can manage them, and what preventative measures you can take or limits you can put on yourself as you establish a new routine to help you steer yourself away from those harmful habits. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

You’ve probably heard the word “triggered” before - it’s everywhere these days. Whether it’s a trigger warning or someone explaining that they’ve been triggered, more and more folks are becoming aware of the effects their emotional responses have on their day to day life. 

You may have experienced this yourself at some point. Have you ever had an experience where something happened, and your emotional reaction seemed way out of proportion with what was going on? 

An intense emotional reaction can be distressing. It’s a lot of work, mentally and physically, to be upset, and when a trigger comes seemingly out of nowhere, it can really throw you for a loop. 

What does being triggered mean?

When someone is triggered, that means that they are experiencing an intense emotional reaction to something. Triggers can be almost anything - something someone said or did, a smell or noise, a memory

Triggers don’t always have to be negative! There are times when something triggers a strong emotional response of joy, excitement, or happiness. However, it’s more common for people to be talking about a negative or unpleasant emotion when they discuss triggers and how to avoid them, because it’s much more uncomfortable to feel distressed than it is to feel happy. 

We have strong emotional reactions sometimes as humans, like when someone you care about passes away. When something is really emotional, we are wired to have a strong reaction to it. However, not every situation will cause such a strong reaction. When people find themselves having really strong emotional reactions to situations that don’t call for it, it can be upsetting. 

A trigger is something that is hard to avoid in daily life. Anything can be a trigger for someone, because everyone’s experiences are different. That’s why triggers are so hard to avoid - they’re a part of everyday life and relationships.

Things that trigger folks tend to be related to things like:

• unpleasant memories

• being confronted

• experiencing rejection or betrayal

• feeling unwelcome or vulnerable

• boundaries being crossed

• feeling controlled or taken advantage of

Any of these scenarios can trigger a strong emotional reaction.

What does being triggered feel like? 

When you’re triggered, it can feel intense. Many people experience an increase in their heart rate and breathing rate. You may also feel like your head is spinning, start to break out in a sweat, or feel like your stomach is upset. 

When your body is triggered, it goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode to help protect you. It’s an automatic reaction that comes from our evolutionary history, and was originally designed to keep us safe.

This high level of emotional intensity can be uncomfortable to experience on a regular basis. 

When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. 

Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time. Here are some ways to cope when you feel triggered: 

Remind yourself where and when you are

A trigger is something that can throw you back into a painful or traumatic memory without much warning. When this happens, it can be hard to make sense of what is really happening, and what is your memory. Orienting yourself to the present moment can be helpful when you’re feeling swept up in a painful memory. 

You can do this in a few ways. You could look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re grown up now and that you’re safe. Some people use things like tattoos or scars to remind themselves that they’re not a younger version of themselves. 

If you feel like you’re having an experience outside of your body, try to gently use your senses to check in with the present. Grounding exercises can be helpful here, such as using your senses to bring yourself back to the present. 

Remember that feelings are morally neutral

You aren’t a bad person for having intense feelings. It can be hard to deal with intense emotions, especially when they’re coming up all the time. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are morally neutral, they aren’t good or bad. This doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change your feelings. It just means that the emotions you feel don’t say anything about your value as a person. You’re allowed to have feelings, so don’t be hard on yourself for having them. 

Take a break if you can

Being triggered is intense and overwhelming. If you’re able to, try to get yourself to a nice quiet space where you can calm back down. 

Try using your breath to slow your mind back down. Being triggered can also make you feel like you’re short of breath, so it’s important to make sure to focus on breathing in and out, nice and slow. Spending a few minutes regulating your breath can go a long way toward calming you down. It’s hard to make choices when you’re in an emotionally heightened state, so giving yourself time and space to calm down can make a difference. 

Try to find some humor

Being triggered or being reminded of something traumatic isn’t funny. But sometimes there are ways to find humor in what’s going on around you. Finding something to laugh about can help diffuse the tension of what you’re dealing with and make you feel less distressed. Is there anything silly about what’s going on? Can you take a moment and laugh at yourself a bit? 

Use affirmations

Another way to interrupt the trigger response is to use affirmations or self-talk. The way you talk to yourself matters. A lot of us are way meaner to ourselves than we think, and when you’re in distress those mean thoughts can be excruciating. When your mind starts to do its own thing and criticize you or you feel like you can’t handle something, try to interrupt it. You can use affirmations consciously to shift your thinking. Try saying to yourself, “I’m doing the best that I can right now,” “I am safe,” or “I know I can handle whatever comes my way.”

Are you looking for more ways to deal with triggers or other strong emotional reactions? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about what specifically is a trigger for you and how you can deal with those triggers in a way that works for you. Contact our office today to get started.

How to Be There for A Friend with Chronic Pain

Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain?

If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state. 

The baseline, rather than comfortable or content, is typically still some underlying degree of pain, even when on a pain management routine of some sort. Chronic pain impacts the sufferer from the moment they wake up until the time they go to sleep (and often in between as well, as chronic pain commonly impacts sleep!) so it can be hard to know how to help! 

If you’re looking for ways to support a loved one with chronic pain, here are 6 ways to be there for them:

Consider obstacles before proposing plans

Even something as simple as going for a walk can be difficult for someone with chronic pain. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, but when you’re planning outings that you want your friend with chronic pain to take part in, try to consider what problems it may bring up for them, and what accommodations can be made so that friend can still come and have a good time. Again, if you’re planning something like a hike or a walk, it could be as simple as making sure to pick a path with benches along it so there are places to rest along the trail without having to sit on the ground (which can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even impossible depending on the pain your friend experiences). 

Don’t leave them out of the planning

Even if you’ve considered the obstacles, you’re not the one with the chronic pain, so you’re not the expert on whether things have been taken care of! Make sure you let your friend know what you’ve thought of, but also ask them to please let you know if there’s something else they are concerned about so that you can make accommodations for them. For the above example it could be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’d love for you to come hiking with me. I found a trail with lots of benches so we can stop as often as we need to. Is there anything else I didn’t consider?” 

Don’t make them ask to use the accommodations: 

If you know something is an issue for your friend, try to offer the accommodations without waiting for them to ask for it. It can be vulnerable and even feel embarrassing to ask for accommodations others don’t need–especially if you’re in a large group–so they push through pain or discomfort rather than call attention to the fact that they need help. Using the hiking example, you can offer to take a break before your friend asks for one. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey let’s stop at the bench up there for a water break!” You don’t have to call attention to their discomfort, and you can show them you’re actively thinking about them & their needs. 

Understand there aren’t always accommodations that work: 

Your friend with chronic pain might not always be able to find a way to make your plans work. Whether it’s because they’re having a bad flare up, making the usual accommodations useless, or because there just isn’t a way for them to mitigate the pain they’d be experiencing if they participated, there just isn’t always a way to make it work. It’s not a personal judgment if they say they can’t come, and while you might feel tempted to over apologize, that might actually make them feel worse–then they have to comfort you because their pain prevents them from participating. Instead, let them know you’ll miss them and that you do something with them soon. 

Offer help if you can: 

Not everyone has the energy or the time to take on some extra responsibility for their loved ones, but if you’re able to, offering to pick up the slack for your friend every now and then can be a wonderful way to support them. Living with chronic pain can make it difficult to stay on top of things like dishes or laundry or grocery shopping–basic maintenance things. Because often the pain is so severe it is difficult to function or focus on anything else. Severe pain also makes sleep difficult, exacerbating the cycle. If you have some spare time in your week every now and then, check in with your friend, ask if there’s anything you can help them out with. If they’ve been complaining of their pain more and more frequently, let them know you’ve noticed and ask if there’s anything you can do to lighten the load! 

Believe what they tell you, not what you see:

Folks who have been living with chronic pain for years may not look like they are in pain from the outside. When there’s no break from the pain, it becomes a new normal that they have had to adjust to–however that doesn’t mean they aren’t in pain. If your friend has chronic headaches, but looks “normal” when they’re in pain, that doesn’t mean they are faking. The way they look “normally” is what they look like when they’re in pain, because pain is normal for them.

Do you know someone living with chronic pain who needs support? Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

One of the hardest things about any relationship is communication. When you need to have a hard conversation with someone, communication can seem impossible. So many of us have experiences in the past, whether growing up or in other adult relationships, where we felt afraid to say what we were thinking or feeling. Some people have lived in situations where they couldn’t share their thoughts or feelings for fear of cruelty or abuse. Some people might be afraid of how their partner will react. Others might feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as their partners.

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that having hard conversations is hard. Luckily, there are ways to make even the hardest conversations a little easier to manage. 

Hard conversations are inevitable in most relationships, even platonic ones.

Everyone changes as they age, and people don’t always change in ways that work together. Expectations shift, and the resources people can offer to a relationship don’t always stay the same. Relationships aren’t always split 50/50. Sometimes one partner will need more support than the other, and vice versa. Over time, things may even out, but in the short term, things might feel unequal for a while. 

Having a hard conversation with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, though. Sometimes, hard conversations lead to big breakthroughs in relationships that leave you feeling closer to each other than before. No relationship is perfect, and it will be impossible to avoid having some hard conversations unless you basically avoid having conversations at all. 

Are you worried about how to approach hard conversations with your partner? Here are 8 ideas to make it easier: 

Wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged

Having a hard conversation is already, well, hard enough. Starting a serious or hard talk with your partner when you’re already emotional can make things go from bad to worse. If you’re in the middle of an argument, see what you can both do to regroup and calm down before having any serious conversations. Similarly, try to avoid serious talks in the middle of sex. Sex is emotional and vulnerable, and adding in an intense conversation in the middle of it is just seeing you up to miscommunicate. 

Talk about things as they come up

On the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to bring things up that are bothering you. It’s beneficial to wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged to dive into a heavy discussion, but holding onto issues for too long is a recipe for resentment. It’s also never fun to hear from your partner that they’ve been secretly upset with you about something for a long time. When you feel upset or like you need to talk, find a time sooner rather than later to talk about it so you don’t feel overwhelmed with resentment. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

The most important part of communication is listening when someone communicates with you. It can be tempting, especially when we’re upset, to get distracted when someone is speaking to you because you’re thinking about how to respond. Instead of hearing what they are actually saying to you, however, you’re missing it to concentrate on what to say next. This is how miscommunication can happen. It is also very frustrating to feel like you’re not being listened to. When you’re listening to your partner talk, focus on what they’re saying to you. Repeat back what they’re saying to show them you’re paying attention. Think about how you would want them to listen to you, and act the same way. 

Reframe the situation as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”

So many relationship conflicts are framed as one partner versus the other, instead of both partners versus the problem. Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this together. How can you look at this situation as the two of you against the problem, instead of against each other? Remind each other that you’re on the same side.

Approach the situation from a place of curiosity, instead of blame

Miscommunications happen when we make assumptions about other people. Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Try to see where your partner is coming from and understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for what’s wrong in the relationship, try to find out what they’re thinking and what is driving them to behave the way they do. There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior, and the more compassionate and curious we can be, the less shame and defensiveness people will feel.

Remind yourself that being right isn’t the most important thing

Sometimes we get so swept up in what we’re thinking and feeling that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. There are some situations where you’ll probably want to be acknowledged for being right, but that doesn’t have to happen every time. In a lot of disagreements in relationships, there isn’t one clear right side and one clear wrong side. It’s okay to want to be right, but being right all the time doesn’t always make it easy to be in a relationship with someone. In all adult relationships, we have to compromise and work together, so make sure you’re prepared for that going into a tough conversation. 

Figure out what you want before you start the conversation

Talking about a problem without offering a solution or knowing what you need out of a situation can just lead to frustration for everyone. If you’re bringing something up, have a plan about what you want to say to your partner so you don’t forget anything once your emotions are heightened. What do you need to have happen in this conversation? What are you willing to negotiate, and what can you be flexible about? Are you hoping to spend more time together? Are you looking for a different division of labor in the household? Do you want to find more ways to connect emotionally? Whatever it is, have your goals in mind when you start the conversation. 

Make checking in a regular part of your relationship

If it kind of freaks you out to hear that you need to have a serious conversation with a partner, you’re not alone. The words “we need to talk” can be very scary to hear, especially when your relationship is struggling.  

This is more of a long-term goal, but when you make it a regular part of your relationship to check in with one another, hearing “we need to talk” will seem way less scary or threatening. It can be uncomfortable knowing that a mysterious conversation is ahead of you, even if it’s one you know you need to have. When you make check-ins regular, you’ll have more chances to address issues as they come up, so no one is holding onto any resentment. 

Give yourself a pat on the back

Having hard conversations is, well, hard. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable and ask for what you need or say what’s on your mind. If you’re having a hard conversation with someone, give yourself credit. That’s not an easy thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. 

Relationships aren’t easy, and since every one is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual. Working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to communicate and connect with one another so hard conversations no longer feel impossible. To get started working with a couples therapist, get in touch with our office. 

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

Do you have a hard time dealing with uncomfortable emotions? If you do, you’re not the only one! Uncomfortable emotions are, well, uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable, so it makes sense that we often go out of our way to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. However, emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time. 

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling. 

Emotions are important, which is why we have them. In fact, they can help us survive. For example, babies display their emotions to alert their caregivers that they need help, since they can’t take care of themselves. Emotions can help us make decisions and guide our behaviors, as well as influence the way we understand and communicate with others. 

So, how can you make it easier to feel your feelings? Here are 6 tips to help you feel your feelings: 

Identify + acknowledge what's going on

If you’re having trouble identifying what you’re feeling, try using an emotion wheel to pinpoint what you’re experiencing. We can’t feel our feelings if we don’t notice and acknowledge them, so this is an important step. As you get more practice, it will be easier to identify what emotion you’re feeling and notice it as it pops up. 

Sometimes, you might get caught up in whatever the emotion is before you realize what’s going on. When that happens, take a pause and a deep breath. Naming what you are feeling gives you more information on how to deal with the emotion moving forward. You’ll also learn how to spot patterns in your emotional responses, which can be helpful. 

Do a body scan

Where are you feeling this emotion in your body? Is there anywhere that you notice is more tense than usual? Do you feel hot or cold anywhere? Are there any sensations that you notice? Are you experiencing any pain? 

Checking in with how your body feels when you’re emotionally activated is a helpful way to get back into the present moment. When we’re in the middle of our feelings, it can be hard to be focused on what’s happening right now. Scanning your body and taking note of any sensations can help you identify where you experience emotions in your body. This can also be another way to identify your emotions when you’re having a hard time naming them. 

Validate what you're feeling

Feeling validated is powerful, even when you validate yourself. It feels good to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you for having feelings. Sometimes we start judging ourselves and jumping to conclusions before taking some time to reflect and see that it actually makes sense that we feel this way. 

Another aspect to this is to give yourself lots of compassion. The world is already tough enough, you don’t need to be mean to yourself on top of it. How would you treat a friend going through what you’re going through? You’d probably be supportive, understanding, and kind. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. You deserve compassion. 

Do what you can to reassure yourself

We all need reassurance from time to time, and especially when we’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. Do what you can to reassure yourself that things will be okay. It might even help to tell yourself something like “I’m here now, and I'm not going anywhere,” or “It won’t always feel like this.” We all need to have people on our side, and that includes being on our own side. Try to be the calm, adult voice of reason that your younger self needs to hear. 

Give yourself options

When you’re feeling emotionally activated, it can be hard to remember what can help make you feel better. It can be helpful to make a list of things that make you feel safe in advance so you have options when you're in the thick of your feelings. 

This could be as simple as keeping a note on your phone of things that soothe you in intense moments, or things that have helped you regulate your emotions in the past. You can even go as far as to make yourself an emotional distress toolbox. A toolbox could hold items like a meditation exercise, a candle or essential oil with a calming smell, fidget toys, grounding objects, or pictures of people and places that make you feel safe. When you’re feeling your feelings, take a look at the options you’ve prepared yourself ahead of time and see if that helps you as you process your emotions. 

Talk to someone

One of the hardest things about talking about your emotions is the sense of shame that they can bring up. Shame is a particularly uncomfortable feeling to deal with. Shame can result in pushing feelings away when it comes up to avoid the pain of confronting it. When you feel shame, it might feel like you can’t speak about it, because that brings up all those bad feelings and body sensations. 

However, shame thrives on keeping it to yourself. When you share your feelings of shame with others that you trust, shame loses its power. Seeing others treat you with compassion when you share what you feel ashamed about can help motivate you to be that compassionate to yourself. 

You can talk to anyone you trust and feel safe around, like a friend, a family member, a spiritual advisor, a mentor, or even a therapist.

If you’re interested in learning more ways to regulate your emotions and cope with your feelings, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started.