Coping Strategies for Managing Grief and Loss

Grief is a fact of life, but that doesn’t make it easy to deal with.

We will all feel grief at some point in our lives, because life involves change, and change activates grief. You can grieve for many reasons, including the death of a loved one, but that’s not the only source of grief in life. Grief commonly comes up around experiences that involve a lot of change, like moving, changing jobs, becoming a parent, struggling with infertility, dealing with chronic conditions, changes in relationship status, and more. 

To our brains, change is loss, and loss means grief. 

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline.

Grief doesn’t even always have stages. We commonly hear that grief has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, but those stages were actually developed to describe what people go through as they face death, not to describe grief itself. While many grievers will feel like they relate to these stages, they’re not the only way grief shows up. Sometimes people have a hard time connecting what they’re experiencing to their grief, because they’re expecting grief to look the way it does on TV. In reality, grief is different for each person. 

For some things, the grief never goes away. We tend to imagine that grief lessens over time, and while the intensity can often decrease, many people who grieve have to find ways to integrate their grief into their new life. Instead of grief lessening over time, it’s more like your life grows and expands around the grief. Even this process can bring up grief, because it marks a change, and change often feels like loss. 

The truth about managing grief

Managing grief successfully means finding a way to accept that grief is a part of your life now. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to approve of the way you’re feeling, just that you don’t let yourself struggle against it anymore. Struggling to accept reality can cause a lot of distress that can be alleviated with acceptance. 

Learning how to ride the waves of grief is like learning how to manage any other intense emotion. It takes time and effort, and often the help of a professional to support you through it. 

In our culture, grief is a topic that’s often avoided. 

We assume grief should be private, or that there’s nothing that can be done when someone is grieving. Our cultural inability to talk about loss and grief leads to people feeling like they can’t share what they’re going through, which can make the distress of grief feel even worse. 

Thankfully, there are ways to help you feel less emotionally out of control when you’re going through grief. If you’re trying to find ways to manage grief, try these coping strategies: 

Release your expectations of yourself

Grief is different for everyone and everyone responds differently, so there’s no “right” way to grieve. Don’t beat yourself up for what you’re feeling as you grieve. Try to notice when you have expectations for yourself (often you’ll notice them when you start a thought with “I should…”) so you can become aware of how these expectations are making you feel. Grief is hard enough without giving yourself unreasonable standards to meet. 

Grief is one of the most intense emotions that we can feel. It’s going to take a lot of time and self compassion to cope with your new reality. You’re not going to be able to function the way you did when you weren’t grieving, and that’s okay. 

Ask for support to meet your basic needs

An important part of managing grief is finding ways to meet your basic needs. If you’re not taking care of yourself, everything else will feel so much worse. However, when you’re grieving, it can be hard to do even “simple” things like get out of bed, or finding something to eat. That’s why calling in reinforcements can be helpful. 

Is there someone in your life who can help make sure you’re getting enough to eat, taking your meds, and getting lots of sleep? It’s okay to ask for help when you need it. Lots of people want to be able to help, but don’t know where to start so making specific requests can actually be helpful when calling in extra support. 

Bring in a professional

Grief is complicated, and it has a far reaching impact in our lives. Sometimes, that means it’s best to get professional support as you navigate this experience. Whether it’s one on one therapy with a counselor who’s experienced in treating grief, or a group therapy session with other grievers, bringing in a professional to help you through this time can make a world of difference. 

A therapist who is experienced in grief counseling can help you make sense of your new world, cope with overwhelming emotions, and be more compassionate with yourself. 

Find ways to express the intense emotions you’re feeling

Emotions are intense, and they can lessen in intensity when we find ways to express them. Grief might leave you with less energy than normal, so you may need to adjust some activities to meet yourself where you are in this moment, but there are ways to express intense emotions, such as: 

• Exercise

• Somatic techniques, like breathwork

• Mindfulness

• Making art or using your creativity

• Crying

• Journaling 

• Talking it over with someone you trust

• Exploring spirituality and deeper meaning

Distract yourself 

Finally, grief is so hard, and it’s okay to distract yourself in moments when it’s particularly distressing. Distraction is a perfectly valid coping skill that can be a big help in times of intense grief. Here are some distractions to try: 

• Play a game (board game, video game, puzzles, etc.)

• Read a book

• Take a nap

• Get into a new show

• Make a playlist for someone you love

• Go see a movie

• Play with a pet or child

• Clean your space

• Bake or cook something

• Creating art of any kind

Are you looking for more support as you cope with grief? Working with a therapist can help you navigate the complexities of grief with self-compassion. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

The Psychology of Fresh Starts: Embracing Change in the New Year

How do you feel about change?

Some people feel strongly about change - they either love it or hate it. However you feel about it, change is inevitable in life. Whether it’s big changes, like moving to a new place, or smaller changes, like your favorite restaurant shutting down, we have to deal with changes all of the time. 

With the start of a new year just a few days away, it’s a good time to think about your relationship with change. 

Why is change so hard?

Change is hard because change is intertwined with grief. A lot of people don’t realize that change plays a big part in grief. Grief isn’t just an emotional reaction to death or loss, but . Another definition of grief is “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” 

One of the hardest things about grief is adjusting to the new, changed reality. When things change, even for positive reasons, like getting a new job or becoming a parent, it takes time to adjust. The conflicting emotions that you feel as you adjust to the change are often uncomfortable or confusing. 

Our brains sometimes try to resist change, as a way to keep us safe from those feelings of grief that accompany change. 

Change can also be frightening. Change can represent the unknown, which can be scary to contemplate. Change can also be a reminder that we don’t have as much control as we like to think. Realizing that we can’t control everything, no matter how hard we try, can feel vulnerable or unsafe.  It’s hard to deal when you’re not sure what’s coming next. 

Change also often disrupts our routine, which can be distressing. Our routines, whether they’re conscious or not, bring us comfort, and it’s upsetting to have that interrupted. 

Even when you’re excited about change, you might deal with uncertainty, anxiety, or regret. You might wonder what life would be like if the change weren’t happening, or if you made the right choice. All of these feelings can be overwhelming. 

However unpleasant change may be at times, it’s also not often helpful to avoid change. When you avoid change, it can backfire, or lead to its own complications. Avoiding change can cause people to stay in stressful situations, for example, which can have serious effects on wellbeing. 

So, what can you do to feel more comfortable embracing change in the new year? Here are 6 tips:

Make a plan

If you know that a change is coming, make a plan for how you can take care of yourself during the period of change. If you’re dealing with an unexpected change, make a plan for how you can move forward now. Some things that may help with making a plan are writing lists, doing a brain dump in your journal, talking it over with friends, loved ones, or a therapist, and looking for advice from others who have gone through something similar. Having a plan in place can help with resilience, it helps you be as prepared as possible and can guide you in moments when you’re struggling. 

Work on acceptance 

Acceptance doesn’t mean that you approve of what’s going on. It just means that you stop fighting reality, which can add to your distress. Trying to fight change just uses up a lot of energy that you could use on helping yourself feel better. See if you can work toward accepting this change, instead of causing distress for yourself by fighting it. It might be helpful to consider the positive aspects of the change that you're dealing with to help you work toward acceptance. 

Feel your feelings 

Feeling your feelings sounds so simple, but it’s actually a process that a lot of us struggle with. Some feelings are uncomfortable, and it’s natural to try to avoid discomfort. Feelings need to be felt, though, to move past them. The only way out is through. 

Stick to your routine as much as possible

As mentioned earlier, one of the hardest parts of dealing with change is dealing with the impact it has to your routine. To try to minimize that impact as much as you can, stick to any parts of your routines that you can. Make sure you meet your own needs and practice self-care - take your meds, get enough to eat, stay hydrated, get enough sleep, move your body, and connect with others as much as you can. 

Watch out for cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are negative patterns of thinking. They can keep you stuck in believing negative and untrue thoughts, and contribute to your distress levels. An example of a cognitive distortion is catastrophizing, or seeing the worst in every situation. Consider if any of the thoughts you’re dealing with are cognitive distortions, and if they are, work to reframe them so they don’t control you. 

Lean on your support system

When things are hard, it’s the perfect time to call in extra support from the people who care about you. Asking for help can be uncomfortable at times, but remember that everyone needs help sometimes. You’re human! Opening up to the people who care about you can help you find solutions, feel validated and heard, and remind you that you’re not alone.  

Are you having a hard time coping with change? Working with a therapist can be a way to expand your support system and help you build resilience to change. Get in touch today to get started. 

Managing Racing Thoughts That Keep You Awake

What are racing thoughts?

Have you ever been trying to fall asleep, but your thoughts just wouldn’t stop? One minute you were sleepily dragging yourself under the covers, and the next your heart was pounding and your thoughts were racing and your breaths were coming in short and quick?

Racing thoughts aren’t uncommon–we all deal with them from time to time. Some people experience them during the day, but often our daily routines and responsibilities and the general business of life keeps our minds occupied more naturally. 

At night however, suddenly your brain can’t shut off, you’re feeling all of that stress you didn’t have time to focus on during the day all over again without anything else to occupy your mind. Now, maybe even more so because now you have the added stress of not being able to fall asleep when you need to. This can also make your racing thoughts feel impossible to fight against–you want to sleep so you just lay there, but then just laying there gives more opportunity for your thoughts to race. 

What does it feel like to experience racing thoughts? 

When your thoughts are racing, it feels like an endless spiral you can’t get out of. Any attempt to end your thoughts just leads you down a new avenue for more spiraling thoughts, and on and on and on. 

There’s a physical response as well: pounding heart, increased sweating, and breaths coming in short, quick bursts. Your body is basically in a stress response, which puts it on high alert, making it physically harder to get back to that feeling of sleepiness. 

Why do racing thoughts happen?

Racing thoughts can be a symptom of a larger mental health concern such as: 

• Anxiety or Panic disorder

• Bipolar disorder

• Post traumatic stress disorder

• Obsessive compulsive disorder

• ADHD

If you’re experiencing racing thoughts chronically, take time to talk to your therapist and doctor, because there may be a larger issue to be addressed with medicine or therapeutic treatment, or both. 

But chronic conditions aren’t the only things that cause racing thoughts. Other things that can influence the frequency of racing thoughts at night can include: 

• Times of high stress: If you’re struggling in your relationship, navigating family, financial or professional stress, trying to juggle the stress that comes up around the holidays, spikes in your stress levels can precipitate an increase in racing thoughts as you’re trying to sleep. 

• Big transitions: A new job, moving, ending or beginning a relationship, beginning parenthood, etc. can all bring on major stress, which can in turn bring on the racing thoughts. 

• Some medications: If your racing thoughts began around the time you’ve started a new medication, it’s good to bring it up with your prescribing doctor. 

• Caffeine consumption: try to avoid caffeine after 6pm, drinking coffee or caffeinated soda/tea too close to when you go to bed can stimulate your brain and make it harder for you to fall asleep. 

What to do when your thoughts are racing: 

Mindful breathing practices:

Practicing mindful breathing helps both to calm your body as it slows and steadies with your breath, but it also helps you to reroute your thoughts away from the spiral and into the present moment. Some mindful breathing exercises you can try are: 

• 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, release for 8 seconds, and repeat. 

• Box breathing: breathe in, hold breath, breathe out, hold breath, repeat. 

• Diaphragmatic breathing: Breathing from your diaphragm, inhaling as fully and slowly as possible, exhaling and repeating. 

Get up and do something (then go back to bed): 

There is nothing else for your mind to latch onto when you’re trying to go to sleep, so it’s easy to get trapped in racing thoughts.If mindful breathing doesn’t help slow your body and mind down, pick something small to get out of bed and do. Get something to eat, a glass of water, read a chapter of a book, do a few stretches. Give your mind an opportunity to get tired, then get back in bed and go back to your breathing exercises to help sleep come faster. 

Establish better sleep hygiene:

Create a routine that helps you slow down your thoughts and relax your body before bed. Adding a few minutes of calming stretching can help slow and deepen your breathing and allow your body to relax and it can also help you practice mindfulness which will in turn help you manage racing thoughts in the future.

Explore the root cause and long term treatment options with your therapist:

Whether you’re going through a period of high stress or a big life transition, getting curious about what is prompting your racing thoughts in therapy can help you better learn how to manage them. Or, if a more chronic condition is at the root, they can help guide you through the next steps for treatment. 

If you need more support, contact us today! Our therapists can help you address and resolve your racing thoughts. 

5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

Do you look forward to holiday gatherings, or do you await them with dread? 

The holidays can be a time of mixed emotions for many. Even when there are things to look forward to, the social pressure of the holiday season can be overwhelming. People who deal with social anxiety often have a hard time during the holidays because there are so many gatherings and events during the holiday season between work, family, friends, and kids. The fear, discomfort, and stress that people with social anxiety feel around social gatherings can make the holiday season an uncomfortable time of year. 

Even when you don’t have a lot on your calendar for the holidays, social anxiety can still play a role. It can be hard to see what others are up to on social media, and seeing others have a seemingly perfect holiday can bring up some complicated feelings. Even though we’re only seeing the highlight reel, it can be hard to keep that in mind when you’re feeling vulnerable. Remember that social media makes other people’s lives seem perfect, but they aren’t actually perfect.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is more than just being shy. In fact, it’s possible to be shy and not have social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder significantly interferes with daily life because the discomfort and fear that people feel often drives them to avoid social situations entirely. 

People with social anxiety may feel like they’re physically unable to participate in social situations due to the intense fear, embarrassment, and anxiety they feel. For many people with social anxiety, it’s easier to not attend at all than to go and experience all of this distress. 

So, how can you make sure social anxiety doesn’t get in the way of enjoying events you attend during the holiday season? Here are 5 strategies for overcoming social anxiety at holiday gatherings:

Get there early

If you’re nervous about a gathering over the holidays, try to get there on the earlier side. There will be fewer people there and you can get used to the environment without being overwhelmed by people all at once. It's less stressful to walk into a mostly empty room than to walk into a packed gathering. It might also be helpful to bring someone with you so that you know you’ll have a friendly face to talk to who understands your limits. 

Remember you’re allowed to have different limits than other people

Social anxiety disorder is a very real condition, but not everyone understands it. Some people might give you a hard time for not being able to handle a packed social calendar during the holiday season. Remember that it’s okay for your limits to be different from someone else’s. Just because some people enjoy the bustle of the holiday season doesn’t mean that you need to. 

You're allowed to have different boundaries and needs from others, even people you care about deeply. If you’re feeling unsure or pressured, keep reminding yourself that it’s okay for your holiday season to look different than someone else’s, because we all have different needs and capacities. 

Give yourself a hard out for gatherings you’re dreading

If you’re dreading events this holiday season because of social anxiety, giving yourself some structure can help. Sometimes events are more palatable when you have a built in reason to leave at a certain time. Maybe you need to relieve the babysitter or the pet sitter. Maybe you have a meeting or an appointment, or errands to run. Try to think of something you can do to give yourself a reason to bow out of the holiday gathering 

Think of some things to talk about beforehand

If you’re not confident in your ability to small talk, there's no shame in taking a few minutes to gather your thoughts and make a list of potential conversation topics. Sometimes it’s hard to remember the answers to questions that you know because your anxiety gets in the way of thinking clearly, so rehearsing beforehand can lower your anxiety level. You don’t need to endlessly practice or ruminate on what you’ll talk about, but having some things in mind can make you feel more confident going into a holiday gathering when you have social anxiety. 

Have a couple go-to calming techniques in your back pocket

It's helpful to practice a few coping behaviors ahead of time so you can quickly use them when you’re overwhelmed in a social situation. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, and take a few deep breaths or practice progressive muscle relaxation to lower your anxiety level in the moment. Keep a list on your phone so you have easy access when you’re not home, and add to it when you find new calming techniques that work well for you. 

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

Masking: What It Is and How It Shows Up

Do you know what masking is?

“Masking” is a term that refers to the process of suppressing your natural behaviors in order to blend in with those around you. It’s a self preservation technique for neurodivergent people, where they work to mimic the behaviors of neurotypical people around them in order to both fit in and avoid punishment for not blending in. 

For folks on the autism spectrum, they often learn through harsh, negative, even possibly traumatic feedback from those around them that they’re behaviors are seen as annoying, inappropriate, or unwelcome in some way. Masking is the attempt to fit in without punishment or ridicule, by hiding the unpalatable of “difficult” parts of yourself. Because so many social rules are unspoken, neurodivergent folks, particularly folks on the autism spectrum, may need to rely on mimicking the behavior of the people around them in hopes of not violating those social rules when it isn’t clear what they are.  

Masking might be so ingrained in the way someone behaves that they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Things like forcing yourself to make eye contact, even when it’s naturally very distressing, or clenching your hands in fists in your pockets to avoid fidgeting or stimming in some way are both common examples of how masking shows up. Some people don’t realize that they are masking their behaviors, they just have a persistent feeling that they are constantly trying and failing to meet uncommunicated expectations. 

The habit of masking is a survival habit in a way–because so many behaviors associated with neurodivergence are stigmatized, and due to the ableism built into our culture, neurodivergent folks may find it necessary to mask in order to avoid bullying or harassment or even discrimination. 

While masking can make it look like folks are adapting to the expectations of different settings, all that is really happening is certain people are learning to suppress parts of themselves. It’s motivated by fear and shame and a desire to avoid isolation. Because of this, folks on the spectrum can start to feel as though they are the issue, rather than our culture’s unwillingness to make space for them. It can start to feel as though people are overly burdened by your own natural and soothing behaviors, which causes you to suppress them, to feel shame about them, and consequently to feel shame about yourself. Folks who mask experience higher levels of stress, increased anxiety, increased depression, and have higher rates of suicidal thoughts than they’re neurotypical peers. There is also significant emotional burnout that comes from masking, leaving little to no energy for anything other than trying to be “normal.”

Masking also presents a unique challenge when it comes to recognizing and diagnosing ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD (attention hyper deficit disorder) in young girls and women. It’s not that young girls aren’t neurodivergent, but the way they’re socialized makes it harder to recognize the traditional criteria in their behavior.  

For example, being hyper aware of their body and expectations of how they should act is something frequently socialized into girls, so how can you distinguish masking and the pressures of a patriarchal society?

Adding race in also complicates the ability to recognize traditional criteria. Just as women are required to make themselves small in our culture; people of color often feel required to make themselves palatable for their white peers. Black women have to be composed in all situations or they’re labeled the Angry Black Woman and if Black men are loud or large, they’re labeled dangerous. 

The diagnostic criteria for ASD and ADHD was modeled after young white men, and didn’t take sexist or racist social factors into account. ADHD, ASD, and other neurodevelopmental conditions often look different in girls or women and go unrecognized by clinicians. 

Here at Hope +Wellness we test all people but one of our specialties is in testing girls and women. We are here to help you with this — many of the individuals we test are women who have experienced many years of symptoms going unrecognized, undiagnosed, untreated, and all the associated emotional impacts — looking for answers and relief.

Take a look at our testing & evaluation services if you’re looking for support!

6 Ways to Deal With Intrusive Thoughts

Have you ever had a thought pop into your head that was distressing to you? 

You probably have, because you’re human and as humans we have to deal with something called intrusive thoughts. Sometimes intrusive thoughts are about something scary or violent or otherwise socially unacceptable. Intrusive thoughts often cause extreme distress and worry, and they can be difficult to deal with in the moment. 

What are intrusive thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted ideas, images, or urges that seem to pop into your head with no rhyme or reason. The harder you try to ignore the intrusive thoughts, the more difficult it is to block them out and focus on something else. 

We all have intrusive thoughts from time to time, and they don’t last forever. When intrusive thoughts begin to get in the way of your daily functioning, though, it can be distracting and upsetting. Many people who struggle with intrusive thoughts on a regular basis also deal with mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or OCD. If intrusive thoughts are interfering with your daily life, it may be time to seek support from a mental health professional or your primary care doctor. 

Why are intrusive thoughts so upsetting?

One reason that intrusive thoughts are so distressing is because they can cause you to question yourself and fear your own mind. Often, intrusive thoughts are vivid ideas or images of something upsetting or an urge to do something that upsets you. When an upsetting thought or mental image comes into your head, it can make you fear that you unconsciously want to act on that thought, even when that’s not the case.

Just because you think something doesn’t mean you want to do it or that you’re a bad person. Many people struggle with their intrusive thoughts because they cause so much shame, it feels like they can’t confide in anyone about what is going on. In reality, it’s normal to have thoughts of all kinds, even upsetting ones, and you’re not alone in your experience. You might be surprised to find out that many people deal with intrusive thoughts, and there are things that you can do to help lessen the distress that they cause. 

So, how can you cope with intrusive thoughts? Here are 6 strategies to try the next time you have an upsetting intrusive thought: 

Acknowledge that they’re there

The first step to coping with your intrusive thoughts is to acknowledge that they exist. Have you ever tried to ignore something specific when it’s already on your mind? It’s really hard! Trying to ignore something makes it impossible to get out of your mind, and it will feel like a losing battle to try to pretend the intrusive thoughts aren’t there. 

Acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean that you are okay with them being there, it just means that you don’t have to struggle to pretend they’re not happening. Acknowledging your thoughts can free up the energy that you use trying to ignore them so you can do something to make yourself feel better. 

Focus on what’s true

There’s a skill that’s used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy called “Check the Facts” that helps you to assess a situation to figure out what is true and what is not before you take action. It is especially helpful in situations where you’re overwhelmed by your thoughts about a situation and need help clarifying what is actually going on without your own judgments getting in the way. This skill helps you regulate your emotional response to a situation, and it can be helpful in moments where intrusive thoughts are overwhelming you. 

The next time you find yourself overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, take a moment to slow down before reacting. It will take some practice to remember to pause and question yourself about what’s going on. Try to keep a list of questions to ask yourself when you’re trying to cope with intrusive thoughts such as: 

• Is this true? 

• What is the evidence that I have that this thought is true? 

• What is the source of this worry? Is it coming from me or someone else?

• What is the worst case scenario, and what can I do if that happens? 

Remember it won’t last forever

Take a moment to calm down and remind yourself that the distress you are feeling in this moment will pass. Your intrusive thoughts won’t last forever, and you won’t be stuck in this moment forever, either. Thoughts are temporary. Try repeating a mantra like “This too shall pass,” or “It came, so it can go,” to remind yourself of this. 

Distract yourself 

Sometimes distraction isn’t a helpful coping skill, but in situations where you’re extremely distressed, distraction can be exactly what you need. There’s nothing wrong with trying to focus your attention on something else until the upsetting thoughts have passed. 

Try to distract yourself with things like playing with a pet, listening to music, going for a walk, creating art, or working on a puzzle. Pick something that you can get immersed in, so it will be easier for you to distract yourself until the thoughts have passed. 

Try a grounding exercise

Intrusive thoughts take you out of the present moment and lead you to worry or ruminate over something that’s not happening right now. Using a grounding technique or even a mindfulness practice can help you feel more connected to the present moment instead of getting pulled away by the intrusive thought. Use a grounding exercise like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste to help reorient yourself to the present moment. 

Get help from a therapist

Intrusive thoughts can be very upsetting and working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on. Therapy can help you find strategies to cope that work best for your situation, and can help you be compassionate with yourself in the moment. It takes practice to cope with intrusive thoughts effectively, and therapy can be a helpful source of support as you practice these new skills. 

If you’d like to speak with a therapist about your intrusive thoughts, our therapists in DC, Maryland, and Virginia have appointments available! Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

What to Do When You’re Burned Out

Do you know what to do when you’re burned out?

Burnout is something that many of us are all too familiar with, especially since the onset of the pandemic. While many of us know on some level that we’re burned out, it’s less clear what to do when you are burned out. A complicating factor with treating burnout is that it leaves you feeling exhausted, depleted, and hopeless, which can make it harder to get started doing anything that will help you feel better. Coping with burnout doesn’t have to be complicated, though, and there are some simple steps you can take to start feeling better. 

What is burnout, anyway? 

Burnout is excessive and long-term stress. It’s easy to confuse burnout with stress, but they’re a little different. Stress is generally about a specific thing or situation, and it has an end. Burnout, on the other hand, is long-term. Burnout lasts until we do something about it, even if the situation that originally stressed us out has passed. 

Anything that causes lots of stress can lead to burnout. Some situations that can lead to burnout include:

• Being a caregiver or parent

• Struggling with relationship problems

• Having to work multiple jobs

• Being in a rigorous academic program 

• Having to deal with too much at work

What does burnout feel like?

Burnout is a message from your body that you’re doing too much, going too hard, and you need to listen before you cause serious damage. As you can imagine, it doesn’t feel good! 

Some of the physical and mental symptoms of burnout are:

• Feeling cynical, helpless, trapped, or defeated

• Getting sick more frequently

• Procrastination

• Struggling with self-doubt

• Problems with concentration or memory

• Being exhausted and drained all the time

• Coping with substances 

• Becoming more detached and isolated from the people in your life

• Feeling consistently bored or overwhelmed

• Irritability 

• Loss of motivation for things that are important or meaningful to you

• Frequent aches and pains (like headaches or stomach aches)

• Changes in appetite

• Shifts in your sleeping patterns

Why is burnout so common?

Burnout is common because our culture values work/productivity above personal happiness. Our worth is often tied to our jobs and how much we can produce. Being busy is rewarded and not being busy is seen as lazy. With inflation rising and the economic unpredictability from the pandemic, many people are working more than ever and having less time to recuperate. 

Being stressed for a long period of time is harmful, both mentally and physically. Our bodies aren’t meant to be stressed for months and months on end, and when they are, it can cause problems, from mood swings to health problems like heart disease. 

Dealing with burnout takes a two pronged approach of treatment and prevention.

Burnout always has a cause, but it’s not always easy to figure out what that cause is. Understanding the cause of your burnout can be key to prevent it from happening again. Figuring out what is making you feel burned out can help you focus on relieving the symptoms of burnout so you can make yourself feel better. 

What can you do to feel better right now? 

The first step to treating burnout is to ease the symptoms and start feeling better. It might seem like there’s nothing you can change, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes there’s not much you can do about a situation, but other times you can make changes that will help you feel better. Try approaching the problem after a few good meals and a good night of rest. When you’re feeling slightly less depleted, try to think about where the burnout is coming from. 

It can feel bad to have to cancel plans or to ask for help, but remember that you’re not meant to go through life alone. Even if you feel like you’re the only one who can do certain things, you deserve to have a break too. Go through what’s on your plate and cancel or reschedule a few things. Ask for help from the people in your community. 

It can also be helpful to let people know what’s going on with you so you don’t feel so alone. Most of us have dealt with burnout at some point, and it can be comforting to know that someone has gone through something similar and come out of it. 

How to prevent burnout in the future

Once you understand a little bit more about where the source of your burnout is coming from, you can work on strategies to prevent it from happening again. If you struggle with being assigned too much at work, you can work with your boss to clarify your job responsibilities and learn how to delegate. If you are burned out from caregiving, you can call in your support system and ask for help. 

Do you tend to be a people pleaser? When you struggle to ask for help, it can lead to burnout because you feel you have to take everything on yourself. No one can do everything alone, but it takes practice to feel comfortable asking for help from your support system. 

Make it a habit to celebrate what’s going right. Our brains naturally try to focus on the negative to keep us safe, but sometimes they overdo it. It takes effort to focus on the positive sometimes, but when you make it a habit to celebrate what’s going right, it can help you feel less hopeless about the future. 

Finally, it’s crucial to give yourself breaks. Schedule time off in your calendar. Take all of your vacation and sick days. Switch shifts with people to give yourself some time away. Say no to plans when you’re overwhelmed. 

The way that we work and live in the modern world is pretty tough, and it doesn’t give us a lot of time to ourselves. It’s important to take time off regularly and use it to replenish your energy. This is hard because a lot of us spend our free time running errands or completing tasks, not resting. It can take time to learn how to really rest in a way that replenishes you, but it is possible. 

What to do when you’re burned out and can’t take a break or change jobs

Work is a frequent source of burnout. While it can be fun to imagine just leaving your job and never coming back, that’s not always possible for people. Most of us need our jobs to keep the bills paid and keep a roof over our heads. If you’re burned out at work and you can’t take a break or change jobs, you’re not alone. There are some things you can do to help feel less burned out. 

Start with setting boundaries. Talk with someone you work for like a manager or supervisor and explain what you’re experiencing. Your employer should have an interest in supporting your mental health, because employees who are burned out aren’t as productive. Your productivity doesn’t define you, but it may be something your boss cares about. Using this logic can help persuade your boss to help take some things off your plate or find solutions where they can. Try to set boundaries like when you will respond to work messages or how much you can realistically handle. 

It may also be helpful to challenge your sense of urgency. Are the things causing you stress really urgent, or do you just feel like it is? Try to assess whether you’re pressuring yourself to do too much. Remember it’s okay to have boundaries, and not everything needs to be done right away. In most situations, what is happening is not an emergency, even if the people around us are behaving like it is. 

Finally, take good care of yourself when you’re burned out. Treat yourself like you would when you’re not well, because you’re not well when you’re burned out. Get enough sleep, eat enough food, drink enough water, take enough time for yourself, do things that make you happy, move your body, and spend time with people you love. 

Burnout is unpleasant, but it is treatable. Working with a therapist can help you cope with burnout and find solutions to prevent it from happening again. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

How to Make a Coping Skills Toolbox

What’s your go-to coping skill when you’re upset or emotionally activated? 

We all have different ways that we cope in stressful or emotional times. Sometimes the ways we cope are strategies we learned when we were young to protect ourselves. Others might be skills we’ve learned as we’ve grown up and experienced different situations. Sometimes coping skills are supportive, and sometimes we outgrow coping skills that used to work. There are even times where we use coping skills that end up causing more emotional distress down the line. 

However you cope, it can be helpful to make a coping skills toolbox to use when you’re upset or emotionally activated. Keeping a dedicated container with some helpful items and reminders inside can make a big difference when you’re having an unpleasant emotional experience. Everyone is different and copes differently, so the suggestions we have for a coping skills toolbox are just a jumping off point. 

Using more supportive coping skills than the ones you’ve relied on for years can be tricky in the moment, when you’re outside of your window of tolerance and emotionally activated. It’s hard to rely on newer coping skills that we learn because the old ones are hard-wired into our brains. It takes our brains time to make the connections that help us form new habits. That’s why practice is crucial. 

One of the keys to developing new coping skills is to practice using them when you’re not already upset or emotionally activated. Your ability to think clearly lessens the further you go outside of your window of tolerance, so thinking of ways to comfort yourself in the moment can be close to impossible sometimes. Having a go-to resource that you can rely on when you’re distressed can make coping with the situation and moving forward a bit easier. 

Here are some suggestions for what to keep in your coping skills toolbox, so you can pull it out the next time you’re emotionally activated and need soothing. 

Mindfulness Exercises

When you’re upset, it is hard to focus on what is happening in the present moment. When putting together your coping skills toolbox, try adding some mindfulness exercises or activities to help you reduce your stress and worry and focus on what’s happening right now. If there’s an exercise or activity that is helpful to you, write down some instructions or a reminder of what to do on an index card or piece of paper to help guide you in the moment.

Some items that you can add to your toolbox to help you cope in stressful moments are: 

• Deep breathing exercises, like box breathing or 4-7-8 breathing

• Meditation tracks on a meditation app

• Progressive muscle relaxation exercises

• Coloring pages

• A journal to write in and a pen

Distractions

When you’re upset, sometimes the most supportive thing to do is to distract yourself until the painful or distressing emotions pass. Distraction can become unsupportive when it’s the only coping skill you use, but there’s nothing wrong with distracting yourself from time to time when you’re upset. 

Here are some items for your coping skills toolbox that may help distract you: 

• Movies to watch

• Music to listen to 

• Games to play

• Puzzles 

• A playlist of funny videos

• Hobbies, like crafting or baking

Movement Ideas

Movement can be helpful in times of high stress and emotion. Movement is not only a distraction, but it can help release feel-good hormones throughout your body that can make you feel less distressed. You don’t have to move in a way that punishes yourself or your body, but some people do find that intense movement can be really helpful when they’re super emotionally activated. 

Here are some items you can keep in your coping skills toolbox to encourage movement: 

• Yoga mat

• Foam roller or muscle massager

• Sneakers

• Gardening tools

• A list of exercise videos you like

• Guides for stretching

Calming Sensory Objects

Using your senses is a powerful way to calm down or comfort yourself during intense emotional distress. Try to engage one or all of your senses during upsetting moments by keeping some sensory objects in your toolbox. Some items might be hard to keep all in one box, so leaving yourself a reminder of what objects to grab can be helpful in the moment. 

Some ideas for sensory objects that can be comforting are:

• Candles, lotion, or other comforting scented objects

• Soft blankets or pillows

• Calming music

• A pen to click

• Fidget spinners or stim toys 

• Soft toys or a stress ball to squeeze

• Cuddly stuffed animals

• Candies, mints, lozenges, gum

• A warm beverage mix like tea or cocoa

• Silly putty or slime

• Weighted blanket

• Photos of people you care about

Reminders

If there’s a coping skill that you want to remember to use when you’re emotionally activated, write it down on an index card or slip of paper and add it to your toolbox. You can pull out the card when you need to and remember what to do to make yourself feel better. It may also be helpful to keep some affirmations handy in your coping skills toolbox that you can repeat to yourself in distressing moments. 

It may also be helpful to leave a reminder for yourself that this difficult moment won’t last forever - eventually it will pass. Emotions are like waves, and they do eventually recede, even when they’re uncomfortable. Finding ways to help yourself cope until the difficult emotions fade can help you feel more prepared for next time. 

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn and practice new coping skills that you can add to your coping skills toolbox. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the same thought loop, no matter how distressing it is? 

When you get stuck in a never ending loop of negative thoughts about a situation, you might be ruminating. This distressing pattern of thinking can be hard to break out of, but there are things you can do to help yourself when you find yourself stuck in rumination. 

What is rumination?

Rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”

Rumination is different from other kinds of thinking in that it keeps you focused on the negative and is hard to break out of. Rumination becomes a problem when you can only focus on the negative parts of situations or when your thoughts become excessive or overly repetitive, because it causes distress. 

The key to rumination is that no action is taken to lower the feelings of distress - it just becomes a cycle of obsessive thinking without a solution. 

Why is ruminating unhelpful?

It's not always a bad thing to focus on something. Sometimes, it’s helpful to do some deep thinking about a situation. Thinking about things from the past can help you learn lessons from past mistakes and increase your level of self-awareness. Considering future situations can help you prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Ruminating doesn’t help with any of these things, because it relies on inaction. When you don’t take action to either apply the lessons you’ve learned or prepare yourself for what’s coming, it’s hard to get out of this negative thought process. Rumination keeps you stuck in a state of worry and distress, instead of allowing you to move forward. 

The next time you get stuck ruminating on a situation, remember you don’t have to stay there. Here are 5 things you can do to stop ruminating and lower your distress: 

Distract yourself

When something distressing is happening to you, it’s okay to distract yourself from it. Distraction isn’t always the best solution to dealing with feelings, because it can lead to ignoring or repressing them, which can have negative consequences. When you’re stuck in a thought pattern that you can’t get out of, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is distract yourself. 

Distraction can help redirect your attention onto something less distressing, so you can break the cycle of rumination. Try watching a new show or movie that has an interesting plot or something complicated you can follow to take your focus away from what’s upsetting you. You can also try exercise, listening to music or a podcast, reading a book or listening to an audiobook, chatting with a friend, making art, cleaning, doing a house project, or even taking a nap. 

Make adjustments as needed 

Sometimes it can be hard to break out of rumination because you wish you had done something differently. Regret is complicated, but it can feel tempting to focus your attention on what went wrong instead of what you can do to prevent it from happening again. 

If this is the case for you, make a point of acknowledging what is painful about the situation. You can even say to yourself, “Wow, I wish I would have done that differently.” Instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral, though, remind yourself that there are things you can do to learn from this experience. Keep those lessons in mind and then try to forgive yourself for what happened. It might take time, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just makes you human. 

Try a grounding or mindfulness exercise

Rumination is tricky because we often don’t realize it’s happening until we’re in the middle of it. One way to help is to try to bring yourself back to the present moment. A mindfulness practice can be helpful with this, as can grounding exercises. 

Not only will grounding or mindfulness help in the moment, practicing them regularly can help you in the future to redirect your thoughts  before you get too distressed. Grounding can help you become reacquainted with your body in the present moment. One common grounding practice is to use your senses to focus on what’s happening in the moment. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise will not only distract you from the distress of rumination, but it will also help you step out of the negative thought pattern you’re stuck in. The more you practice the easier it will be to use these skills when you need them! 

Stick to a time limit

Even when we have the best intentions to not ruminate on something, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in your thoughts. If you really feel like you need to ruminate on something for a bit, give yourself permission to do so, but set a time limit for yourself. 

Remember, rumination isn’t actually productive or helpful, it just keeps you stuck in the negative. Give yourself 20 minutes to focus on this, and then when the timer goes off, stick to your boundary and move on to something that will actually be helpful. 

Trust and believe in yourself 

Rumination can lead to lowered self-esteem because it keeps you second guessing yourself instead of moving forward. One powerful way to interrupt rumination is to remind yourself that you are capable and to believe in yourself. Think about it: you’ve survived every bad situation or mistake you’ve ever made. Even if you’d do things differently, you still made it through. You’re much more capable than you think and give yourself credit for. Having the confidence in yourself that you can get through anything can be like armor that protects you from the negative effects of rumination. So, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? You’re still amazing, and you can still handle everything that comes your way. 

If you’re struggling with obsessive or distressing thoughts, working with a therapist can help. You don’t have to say feeling this way forever. Get in touch with our office today to make an appointment and get started. 

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Many of us think of crying as a negative thing, but crying is actually an important function, physically and mentally. Crying is an often cathartic release that can improve mood, sleep, and relationships, and lower stress levels when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. 

Not everyone is a crier. While some folks cry easily and regularly, others rarely cry, if at all. 

There are a few reasons for this. First, everyone is different, and everyone experiences emotions differently. Some people are just wired to be more sensitive to crying than others, and that’s okay. A common reason why people are afraid to cry is because they feel like if they start, they’ll never stop. If you never let yourself have the kind of cathartic release that crying can bring, you’ll start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions you’re pushing down.

Others feel that crying is a sign of weakness. It’s also important to point out the gender roles at play here. Women are far more likely to cry than men, and crying is often seen as feminine or unprofessional. According to the American Psychological Association, the average woman cries 30-64 times a year, compared to men who cry 5-17 times a year on average. These beliefs encourage people who cry easily to not be taken seriously, especially in the workplace or in leadership roles. 

Of course, sometimes crying isn’t a positive experience. Sometimes crying is a result of pain or distress that can’t be relieved by tears alone. Context matters with crying - for a good cry, it helps to be somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, rather than somewhere public or with people you don’t know well. It’s much more preferable to cry at home on the couch with your best friend than to cry in a conference room full of strangers. 

What is it about crying that is good for you? Here are 5 reasons: 

Crying relieves stress 

Not only is a bout of crying a helpful emotional release, but it can also help remove stress hormones from your body through your tears. That’s right! Tears actually have functions other than to communicate distress. Research has shown that cortisol, a stress hormone, is released in tears and that crying in and of itself may lower cortisol levels, which can reduce stress in the body. Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins, both of which can reduce pain and leave you feeling good. 

Crying improves relationships

Crying serves an important function for infants - it alerts their caregivers that they need something. From the time we’re born, crying helps us build connections with others. Vulnerability is scary but it can bring you closer to your loved ones when you experience it together. Think of a time when a loved one was vulnerable and cried in front of you. This can often trigger empathy and leave you feeling even closer than you did before. 

Tears are good for your vision

When you produce tears, they help keep your eyes lubricated and healthy. One type of tear, called reflex tears, are a direct response to debris in the eye. These tears move whatever the dangerous or uncomfortable thing is out of your eye to keep it from becoming irritated or injured. Some people deal with chronic dry eyes, where their eyes don’t produce enough of the moisture needed to stay comfortable and see correctly. Crying can help moisten up your eyes if you struggle with dry eyes. 

Crying is a way to physically process emotions

Crying is often associated with grief and sadness, because it’s a release from those painful emotions. Crying is itself a physical way to process emotions. Our emotions are not just stored in our minds; our bodies hold onto emotion and trauma. This is why engaging the body when approaching healing work can be so helpful. When you’re emotionally activated and you’re feeling out of control, a crying session might help flush out the uncomfortable emotions so you can approach things with a clear head instead of acting without thinking. 

Crying allows you to calm down

Sometimes it’s hard to calm yourself down when you’re feeling emotionally activated. Crying is a way you can practice self-soothing, because it activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When your PNS is online, your body goes into rest mode, and can help you feel more calm. This can help you feel more clear headed and lower the drive to do something out of urgency or because you’re upset. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system can also help improve sleep because it switches your body from fight or flight mode to relax mode, which can make it easier to settle down for the night. 

So, go ahead and have a good cry. You’ll probably feel better afterwards! 

If you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing a lot of crying that isn’t normal for you, talking with a therapist can be helpful. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment.