5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? On its face, being perfect seems like kind of a great thing - you do everything right, there’s never a problem, and you’re happy as can be. In reality, though, the pressure to be perfect at everything you do can lead to an immense amount of pressure and distress. Perfectionism can be exhausting, but it’s possible to overcome it. 

It makes sense that we want things to be perfect. The world is a scary place for a lot of people, especially right now. On top of worrying about things like our job performance or our relationships, we’re also trying to deal with a multi-year global pandemic and facing a climate crisis. There is so much uncertainty in the world right now, and it can make you feel out of control. There’s not a lot you can do personally to end the pandemic (besides following local public health safety advice) or to fix the climate. You can’t control what the government does. You can’t control the weather, or the news, or institutional oppression, even though you may want to. So when it comes to things you can control, it’s easy to go a little overboard. You can control the way you perform your job. You control the way you keep your living space, what you eat, the media you consume. 

The problem is that perfect doesn’t exist. Everyone’s idea of what is perfect is different. There are always things at play that will get in the way of things being perfect. Focusing on perfectionism is actually a distraction. A really stressful, really high stakes distraction from the intense vulnerability or fear of not being in control. Even if you somehow manage to do everything in your life perfectly, you’d probably still find another reason to be disappointed in yourself, because the goalposts with perfectionism always change. Just when you think you’ve done it and become perfect, there’s something else to do. 

This cycle is so exhausting. If you’re struggling, know that there are some things you can do to let go of perfectionism. Here are 5 ways to shift your thinking and overcome perfectionism. 

Be curious about where it comes from 

There are other things that might play into perfectionism as well. If your caregivers demanded perfection from you in school and in your extracurricular activities growing up, it can be a hard habit to break. However, it can be helpful to interrogate where the urge to be perfect is coming from. What will happen if you aren’t perfect? Are you more concerned about letting others down, or yourself? Take some time to notice where the urge comes from. It might be helpful to journal about it or to take a walk and think things over. If the urge comes from something in your childhood, remind yourself that you’re an adult now and you get to make your own choices. It can be hard to feel like you’re letting others down, but it’s also painful to let yourself down. If it’s a need for control, try to see what happens when you let go of control for a few low-stakes things like tidying the house or responding to emails off-hours. 

Practice self-care

Over time, feeling intense pressure to be perfect can leave you feeling rotten. You might feel burned out, cynical, numb, exhausted, depleted, guilty, or even physically ill. Our bodies and minds need breaks regularly to function, so if you’re not making time to care for yourself, it will eventually catch up with you. Chronic stress can lead to all sorts of physical symptoms like gastrointestinal distress, heart problems, respiratory illness, fatigue, pain, and more. Taking some time to practice self-care can go a long way toward helping you feel better and preventing those physical ailments that come from stress. 

Notice the gray

Perfectionism can also be traced back to cognitive distortions like all or nothing thinking. Perfectionists tend to think in shades of black and white. You’re either perfect or you’re a failure. Instead of thinking in extremes, notice what’s in between. Instead of thinking in black and white, try to find the gray. Is it possible that more than one thing can be true at the same time? 

Focus on what’s going right

The thing about perfectionism is that nothing will ever be perfect, so being focused on perfection can leave you focused on what’s going wrong and keeping you from being perfect. Instead of letting yourself get swept up in negativity, focus on what’s going right for you. Taking some time to redirect your thoughts from negative to positive will help your brain learn how to do that on its own. With some practice, you will have to redirect your thoughts less and less because the full picture of positive and negative will be easier for you to see. 

Find joy in the process

Another aspect of perfectionism that’s tricky is focusing on the outcome. For perfectionists, it can be hard to see anything but the end result as meaningful. For example, let’s say you work hard for months on a project with the hopes of landing a promotion. When the project is over, you find out that you didn’t get the promotion. Perfectionists will see the lack of promotion as a failure, and decide that the whole process was a waste of time. People who aren’t perfectionists might have an easier time noticing all the good things that came from the project, like learning how to manage a team or expanding your skills. 

If that’s the case for you, try to notice the process of what you're doing and find positives in it, even if it seems silly at first. Most of life is a journey. There are very few points where we look around and feel that we’re at the peak. So make sure to learn how to find joy in the journey and the destination. 

If you're looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.

Exploring Perfectionism and Being Ok With ‘Good Enough’

Do you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect? In a world that is increasingly scary and confusing, it’s tempting to try to control as much as we can. However, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and lead to a lot of distress. After all, perfect isn’t an achievable goal for most things. We’re humans. We’re messy, we make mistakes, and sometimes we do the best we can and it’s still not “perfect”. You may associate perfectionism with being hyper-focused on details and always getting things done, but a lot of people who struggle with perfectionism actually have a hard time even getting a project started, let alone finished.

Perfectionism doesn’t always manifest itself in real life the way it’s depicted in the media. One powerful way to fight against the idea of perfectionism is the idea that we can be good enough. We don’t have to be perfect, and perfection isn’t an achievable goal. We can learn to be okay with being good enough.

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism can be traced back to cognitive distortions, like all-or-nothing thinking. As a refresher, cognitive distortions are faulty ways of thinking that we learn to believe are true. All or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that means you tend to think in extremes. You’re either successful or a failure. You’re smart or stupid. Instead of leaving room for all the nuance of being a human, all or nothing thinking paints things in black and white. 

It makes sense that we would believe our thoughts, because in general we like to think that we can trust ourselves. However, sometimes our thoughts aren’t true. Sometimes we get so used to thinking one way that we forget there are other ways to think. Striving for perfection doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, lots of people encourage others to strive for a sort of “healthy” perfection as a way to motivate themselves to do their best. 

The trouble with this is that it’s easy to slip from trying your best because you want to to trying to be perfect because you want to be seen by others as perfect. 

Brene Brown has written about this phenomenon in her work on imperfection, vulnerability, and shame: 

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Shame, judgment, and blame are painful feelings. It makes sense that we want to avoid those feelings! In our search to avoid those painful feelings, though, we often end up feeling that way anyway. When you try your best because you want to, you might feel a sense of pride. However, most of the time we’re trying to be perfect to please someone else. Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be worthy of respect and kindness is a recipe for burnout and shame. 

Some folks who struggle with perfectionism deal with things like procrastination. It might sound counterintuitive that someone who is a perfectionist would struggle with getting started, but some folks struggle with the idea that if they can’t do it perfectly, they don’t want to do it at all.  

What does “good enough” mean? 

Good enough means that we don’t have to do everything perfectly at all times. Good enough means that sometimes the job that gets done isn’t pretty, but it’s effective. For example, you don’t need to have the perfect storage containers and pantry layout before you organize your kitchen. You just need to be able to see what you have in your cupboards so you can put a meal together. You don’t have to always have the perfect materials or perfect plan to get things done. Instead of striving for perfect, we can learn to be happy with the freedom that “good enough” gives us. When you don’t have to spend all of your time worrying about how you’ll do everything exactly right, you have more time to spend on things that make you happy and revitalize you.  

Good enough doesn’t have to mean the same thing from situation to situation. 

There might be things you want to do a really really good job on. There might be things that you realize don’t need quite as much of your attention. Letting go of perfectionism and embracing the idea of good enough means that you can assess each situation as it comes up and decide what is good enough for that particular thing. You might still put lots of effort into work projects or connecting with your friends, but spend less time planning your grocery list or organizing your things. 

Being good enough doesn’t mean that you’re lazy either. It means that you know how to prioritize your energy and protect your boundaries so you can actually enjoy your life. 

Learning to be ok with good enough takes a lot of practice. After all, we live in a culture that prizes folks for being exceptional. It’s natural to want to feel successful and like you matter. However, trying to do everything perfectly just leaves you feeling drained and less than.

If you’re looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.  

Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?

What is perfectionism?

“Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.” That is how Psychology Today makes short work of defining perfectionism. While simple, this succinct definition of perfection hits the nail on the head. 

While achieving perfection sounds positive, the trait of perfectionism is actually more toxic than beneficial to our overall health and wellness–because, as most of us know, perfection isn’t actually possible to achieve. Instead, perfectionism is a trait that acts as a harsh, critical voice inside our heads, making us too afraid of failure or criticism to try new things, expand our world, or let ourselves be vulnerable in any way. 

In essence, if you are a perfectionist, the thought of doing something incorrectly can hinder you from trying it at all. There is a constant fear of judgement, criticism, or ridicule in the back of your mind. You also likely attribute your value, your worthiness, your purpose, etc. to things that you can achieve. Due to this, the idea that you might not be successful at something new isn’t just a learning experience for you; it’s an experience that makes you question your value entirely. 

Signs you might be a perfectionist: 

• You would rather not do something at all, than do it incorrectly

• You’re specific about your process: things have to be done in a certain way or else they are wrong

• You’re overly critical of yourself

• You pay more attention to criticism than praise

• Your standards (in work, regarding personal goals, etc.) are extremely high

• You’re prone to procrastination

• You invest too much time in something, often “correcting” mistakes that others don’t see

•  Success is never enough: no matter what you accomplish, you feel you can still achieve more.

Where does it come from?

As we touched on above, perfectionism is rooted in fear, which can essentially be boiled down to one general fear: that you won’t be enough. 

Whether that comes in the form of not being smart enough to do something well, or not being creative enough to tackle a new project, or not being skilled enough to be an expert at everything, there’s is an underlying fear at the root of all perfectionism. 

In the mind of a perfectionist, criticism isn’t just a tool that can be used to learn, grow, and get better. It’s a judgement on their worthiness, their quality, all of the core parts of their identity. 

How does it impact our lives?

Obviously, this trait can have a huge impact on our lives. 

Whether your perfectionism comes in the form of obsessively hiding your imperfections from others, or in trying to achieve perfection in all things, it can take a huge toll on the self. 

If you are constantly worrying about perceived imperfections, you will be more concerned with how you’re appearing to others than actually taking care of yourself. Rather than making decisions based on what it is you need and want, you’ll make decisions based on how those choices will appear to an outside observer. 

And if you are constantly trying to achieve (or at least project) perfection in all things, failure–or not being able to achieve absolute perfection–will feel devastating. In fact, it will feel so horrible that you likely will stop trying new things, stop allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and stick only with what you know you can do. 

In either of these cases, it’s clear that perfectionism is a one way track to stopping our growth and self betterment. 

How can we resist the pressure of perfectionism?

Learning to resist the compulsion for perfectionism is hard, and can feel very scary. But it is also an amazing step on your journey toward self care! While healing from perfectionism can be a long and arduous journey, there are a few things you can do for yourself to get you started:

1). Give yourself concrete reasons for change

This may seem silly at first, but make a pro + con list when you see your perfectionism rearing its head. How are you benefitting from the need for perfection? How is it holding you back? Maybe there’s a big project you need to be working on, but you know that you aren’t ready to do it perfectly, so you’re putting it off. The “pro” here is that you’re giving yourself a sense of reassurance that there will be a later time when you’re more prepared to handle this task, and you are saving yourself from immediate criticism. But how else is it impacting your life? In the “con” side you might out things like: putting this project off is making it harder to manage my time, I’m constantly stressed because I know I will have to deal with it later, I’m giving myself a shorter amount of time to produce something of quality, etc. 

Be kind to yourself when doing this exercise. Remind yourself that your perfectionism serves a purpose–it likely exists to offer you some sort of protection. However, at this point in your life, the protection it offers is outweighed by the burden it puts on you. Giving yourself a physical list to show this can be a powerful reminder & motivator when trying to overcome your perfectionism. 

2). Celebrate what you’ve done well

A big problem in perfectionism is that when a perfectionist is not 100% successful at something, they don’t just see it as an instance in which they failed. Rather, they see it as the turning point when they became a failure. Reminding yourself of things you have accomplished, jobs done well, even small victories, can help you to remember that even if you don’t succeed at one thing, you aren’t a failure. 

3). Only compare yourself to you 

If you’re trying something new, and you compare yourself to an expert, you’re obviously going to feel like you’re coming up short. Instead, use yourself as the yardstick to measure accomplishment. If you want to learn to play the piano, don’t compare your first day at a piano to Elton John now. Instead, think about how yesterday, you didn’t have the courage to even sit down at a piano, and now you’re actively learning! In a month, or a year, you’ll be able to look back and see what progress you’ve made. 

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